empty nest | Mumsnet

Movingbutstandingstill · 03/01/2025 19:30

Oh OP sorry you have had no replies…bumping!

My children are at home still but these days to come fill me with dread. I think you should go back to the GP if you cant get any positive vibes from hobbies or volunteering.

I have been on the verge of depression with pregnancy losses and I felt really numb and the world felt cold. But it slowly lifted and I started to feel again. I’m glad I never listened to those dark thoughts but it’s so hard in the moment it’s all consuming.

OP I wish my mother felt sad I left home, it shows you really care and love your babies!

OchonAgusOchonOh · 03/01/2025 19:40

Have you tried any counselling? If you're struggling with this anti depressants aren't necessarily going up help as you need to figure out why you are feeling like this. If your dc were the main focus of your life, you need to try and understand why you didn't have a better balance and try and resolve that.

@Movingbutstandingstill OP I wish my mother felt sad I left home, it shows you really care and love your babies!

There is a big difference between feeling a bit sad as you are missing them and the way the op is feeling. I don't feel sad that my dc have left home. I feel proud that they have grown into strong, independent adults and pleased that they are making their way in the world, and all doing something they love. Sure, I miss them but that's very different to being sad they have left home. If they were still living at home and not living their lives well, I would feel sad as I would feel I had failed in my job of rearing well adjusted adults who can stand in their own two feet.

ssd · 03/01/2025 19:42

I feel the same @Georgeismydog

shmivorytower · 03/01/2025 19:46

OP- mine are still at home but I can imagine finding it very hard. I second therapy. And also volunteering. Sending you hugs

RaininSummer · 03/01/2025 20:04

I don't think being this sad shows how much you love your 'babies'. It seems to indicate a rather empty life that them moving out has shone a light on. Time to plan the next part of your life including lovely visits to see them and their own homecomings every now and then. The house was definitely quiet when my children grew up and left both at 19 but I was pleased they felt ready and able to do so. Hobbies don't have to be pointless do they?

DaphneduM · 03/01/2025 20:21

I'm so very sorry you're feeling like this. I completely understand as years ago I suffered from exactly the same angst and sadness when my child left home. This was despite a lovely husband and great career - the emptiness was all consuming.

Empty nest of so under-recognised and dismissed. Why shouldn't we feel it - we've spent years bringing up our children and then suddenly they're gone? For a while life certainly can feel meaningless.

But it does pass eventually. Life changes and their life circumstances can change too. First of all maybe university and then later on marriage and maybe children? You end up being so thankful that they are happy and fulfilled adults with a family of their own, and you realise you've done a good job.

I would consider counselling to get you through this stage - and don't force yourself to do anything that you consider meaningless. Hopefully in due course things that interest you and actually feel meaningful will present themselves. Try and get dates in your diary when you can spend some time with them, even if it's just a coffee or a lunch somewhere. It does help to have that to look forward to. Also silly texts with pictures of any pets and stuff going on at home - just to keep the lines of communication open. It all helps.

Forgottobuymincepies · 03/01/2025 20:24

Not sure it's a coincidence 4 of my dc have left home and we have 4 ddogs.....

Original poster

Georgeismydog · 03/01/2025 20:49

ssd want to message me?

OP posts:

Movingbutstandingstill · 03/01/2025 21:39

OchonAgusOchonOh · 03/01/2025 19:40

Have you tried any counselling? If you're struggling with this anti depressants aren't necessarily going up help as you need to figure out why you are feeling like this. If your dc were the main focus of your life, you need to try and understand why you didn't have a better balance and try and resolve that.

@Movingbutstandingstill OP I wish my mother felt sad I left home, it shows you really care and love your babies!

There is a big difference between feeling a bit sad as you are missing them and the way the op is feeling. I don't feel sad that my dc have left home. I feel proud that they have grown into strong, independent adults and pleased that they are making their way in the world, and all doing something they love. Sure, I miss them but that's very different to being sad they have left home. If they were still living at home and not living their lives well, I would feel sad as I would feel I had failed in my job of rearing well adjusted adults who can stand in their own two feet.

@OchonAgusOchonOh I talked about depression / loss / going back to the GP for additional support, then added a sentence to try and comfort OP and that’s the only part you took? 😂

I also bumped this as no one had replied!

This thread isn’t about me or you, I stand my by statement my mother wasn’t sad I left, I have a whole thread on how my mother doesn’t love me. I would chew off my arm to have a mum that cared this much….please stop derailing the thread for OP who is in need of support

OchonAgusOchonOh · 03/01/2025 22:06

Movingbutstandingstill · 03/01/2025 21:39

@OchonAgusOchonOh I talked about depression / loss / going back to the GP for additional support, then added a sentence to try and comfort OP and that’s the only part you took? 😂

I also bumped this as no one had replied!

This thread isn’t about me or you, I stand my by statement my mother wasn’t sad I left, I have a whole thread on how my mother doesn’t love me. I would chew off my arm to have a mum that cared this much….please stop derailing the thread for OP who is in need of support

Edited

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But yet you decided to make it about you by bringing your issues with your mother in to it. I don't think it's particularly helpful to the op to be encouraging sadness. I'm also not the only poster who disagrees with your statement.

It's also not a derailment as my comments were pointing out what would be a more usual and healthier reaction to children leaving home.

That said, I'm sorry you had a poor upbringing and a mother who didn't do her job. It sounds like you're aware enough of the damage that caused to not repeat the pattern with your own dc. That's a fantastic achievement.

ssd · 03/01/2025 22:48

@Georgeismydog , i can't send messages on my phone unfortunately! And I'm probably rubbish company just now anyway..
Sorry

Original poster

Georgeismydog · 04/01/2025 06:42

ssd I'm rubbish company too

OP posts:

HilariousNames · 04/01/2025 07:31

Georgeismydog · 03/01/2025 15:17

Really, really struggling, feeling low, depressed, crying etc. On antidepressants but not feeling better

Looking into pointless hobbies and volunteering but whatever pointless things that I can do to fill my time.

How old are your children and are they at Uni or left for jobs? I feel very sad as two of my children live hours away. I have one who lives in my area but he chooses not to see us more than twice a year which is incredibly upsetting. I’m planning to move closer to the other two this year. It’s a dangerous game to follow your children but I find life very empty without them. I don’t have many friends since Covid. Hobbies are a distraction and not a motivation for me really. I long for relationships and interaction. Doing a hobby in a room full of strangers is quite an isolating experience really. My OH is wrapped up in his hobbies and he has more friends than I do. I feel very lonely . I don’t get on with my elderly mother or my sister who also lives a long way away. I lacked close family growing up and that void is still there.

BeaSure · 04/01/2025 11:49

I'm speaking from experience.

Anti depressants and / or counselling aren't the solution. Action is.

You need to GET OUT THERE. Do some exercise, join the gym, join a pilates class, go for a long walk - with headphones on if you like - listen to music, podcasts, audio books. Or join a walking group.

Have a regular trip to the library and always have a non fiction and a fiction book on the go.

Volunteer in a role where you're working as a team. Social interaction is crucial.

Buy a calendar (half price now) and put stuff in it - including some meet ups with your DC.

Accept that empty nest (and losing parents) is part of the circle of life. Would you really like your adult children to be languishing at home.

I missed DD terribly when she went to uni and had quite a wretched time for a while, moping around. However, I realised that I was a person in my own right who deserved to have a fulfilling life. Also that it made my interactions with DD more rewarding if I could tell her what I'd been up to.

Just give it a try.

Original poster

Georgeismydog · 04/01/2025 11:50

I work from home all day which isn't helping

OP posts:

BeaSure · 04/01/2025 12:49

Georgeismydog · 04/01/2025 11:50

I work from home all day which isn't helping

Me too. All the more reason to GET OUT!

Forgottobuymincepies · 04/01/2025 13:47

Have you got any garden op? During Covid I grew a few things. Which definitely improved my mh. We had 6 x dc at home during the lockdown... Def would have tipped me over the edge of I hadn't been able to potter about outside..

Boffle · 04/01/2025 14:00

Sorry @Georgeismydog it's rubbish.
It probably doesn't help to say it gets better. It does get better but it took a while for me and to be honest never as good. Those golden years of having a houseful of children are gone.
Mine went to uni then bounced back and forth for years. It was probably 6 years before they were gone for good. Once a year at Christmas they are home for the night and it's lovely. Otherwise I keep in touch.

pointless hobbies and volunteering
They are worth doing. Eventually you find something you enjoy and meet people. It also gives you something interesting to talk about to the kids.

Lentilweaver · 05/01/2025 10:18

Why are hobbies and volunteering pointless?
Kindly, you need to reframe your thinking.
I WFH too. Which is why I do both.

Boffle · 05/01/2025 10:55

@Lentilweaver Everything seems pointless when someone is depressed as the OP has said she is.
I did many years of volunteering which I did because I had time and wanted to give back. The rewards are over rated though. The one I enjoyed most was a library at home one. You pick books for housebound people and deliver / collect.

Hobbies is tricky. If you don't have any hobbies or interests you have to start somewhere and find something that gives you either a way to connect with others or some pleasure in doing.
I've tried and failed at lots of hobbies and interests. What I have stuck with is dancing which is more fun than the gym, social and good for you. Also sewing and crochet which can be social if you find a group.

Lentilweaver · 05/01/2025 11:01

The OP has posted many times before.
I recognise her posts.

I may sound really mean, but if nothing changes, nothing changes.

My DD is considering moving to a different country, so I do get it. But I intend to wave goodbye with a cheery smile. The alternative is worse.

GlassHalfEmpty70 · 06/01/2025 14:51

I'm going through similar right now and came on here to look for advice really.
Our DS aged 18 moved out yesterday to start an apprenticeship away from home with accommodation.
Although we are incredibly close and I knew I would miss him, I didn't expect to feel as absolutely bereft as I do now.
I can't stop crying and I just want him home.
Selfish, I know.
I'm incredibly proud of him, he's such a lovely, amicable lad and am chuffed he is doing something he loves.
But I'm not ready. He's only 18...
My DH feels exactly the same. I've never seen him so upset in the 20 years we've been together and he's usually so stoic and the 'tough' one. So right now, we're no help to each other...
I am trying not to project my feelings on to our son, except to tell him that this is his home always and that if things don't work out then I'll fetch him any time of the day or night...
Is what I'm feeling normal and will I ever get used to this?
I'm broken 💔 right now xx

Lentilweaver · 06/01/2025 15:12

I think it's normal to feel bereft, but at some point you have to get used to it and find some other purpose. Mine have come and gone, as most do these days with the housing crisis.

Boffle · 06/01/2025 15:35

@GlassHalfEmpty70 I think it's normal and most of my friends who've had DC go off to uni at 18 have felt the same. There's certainly a cohort on MN who are disparaging of parents who feel this way.

All I can say is it does get easier. They do come back, maybe for a weekend or a birthday or Christmas. It's brilliant when they do but you feel bad all over again when they leave. My two DC are 2 years apart so started uni two years apart.
I was still sad even though I had DC2 still at home when the first one left.
Eventually they graduated and one at a time came home for a year before finally leaving for good.
It reaches the point where you enjoy their visits but don't mind when they leave. Those 18 years don't come back but you get used to the next phase of life.