I met my dad in my teens, since then he’s been in and out of my life, and my kids lives. When he does reappear there’s always some elaborate excuse, for example he didn’t see or speak to us in over a year, and said it’s because he was living in a van (it was actually a really well furnished fully kitted camper van that runs) and he was SAd by a priest when he was a child as his mother was extremely religious so he’s depressed (I actually asked his brother about church in passing and his brother laughed and said they’d never been to church and his parents hated religion)
he isn’t a horrible person, he’s actually quite pleasant. The problem is he lies a lot to make himself look good, and when he does do a good deed, it’s to look good to others, rather than because he genuinely cares.
he makes up stories which I see straight through, but other people don’t. To make himself look like the hero.
He makes out to his friends etc that he’s this amazing father and grand father. But in reality he rarely bothers with us. He’ll say he will come over with my kids birthday presents , then never turn up and there are no presents (I don’t tell them any of this so the kids are unaware)
but he can also over step? Like he’ll show up at my workplace randomly, or will say things in front of people acting like he knows me really well, but he doesn’t. Or he’ll invite himself to things I’m doing. Again this is after not speaking to me for months or a year at a time.
I’ve already distanced myself. There’s a lot more to it but it’d be too long.
ive set boundaries for myself, if he says he’ll come over, I tell him I’m not going to be home and that I’ll go to him instead another day (I know he won’t turn up and that I’ll feel annoyed, so if I go to him it’s on my own terms and I can leave when I’ve had enough)
I also cut him off now in conversation, he will talk for hours about himself and always turn the convo back to himself. So I cut him off and change subject, before I’d allow it and end up listening to it for hours. And if he’s trying to gain sympathy with some story I don’t give that to him, I’ll say something like “oh well we all have problems sometimes don’t we” etc (I know it’s a lie so I’m not putting down a genuine experience)
he gets girlfriends and will spend all his free time with the girlfriend, then come to me months later to explain why it ended and how he’s the victim or he’ll say something like “but it’s not her fault she’s like that” and tell a story of how he saved her from her ex or something exaggerated, so he also looks like the better person.
at first I was happy to have a dad , as I didn’t know who he was growing up. And I got along with him really well , but of course at first I believed his lies and didn’t know him very well. Now I just find him quite draining. But I feel sorry for him at the same time? Like surely he has low self esteem or something?
can anyone relate?