When do adult children stop defaulting to teenagers?

[daraghdecember]

Very upset with my 23 year old dd who is staying for 2 weeks this xmas. She holds down a responsible job in another city, is perfectly capable of looking after herself and is fantastically courteous and lovely to the parents of her friends.

With me, however, she lapses into being an argumentative teen. So:

1. I've done alot this xmas to try and make it special. All I get back is her being hyper critical of me in particular and nit picking/finding fault.

1. She's made one family meal since being her. Seems to be happy to take and not give. I'm happy to cover all food and drink costs but would have liked her to at least offer to make a few more family meals. At 23, I don't think I should have to spell this out to her.

1. Appears to be using the house as a hotel base to sleep, eat, make minimal contribution whilst she catches up with friends pretty much every day whilst here. Again, this would be fine if at other times she behaved in a pleasant, loving way that wanted to spend time with us. So the other day we went for a walk. She spent the first 20 minutes on her phone messaging friends. I did say it was rude to do this so she reluctantly put it in her pocket.

I am starting to think I don't want to do this again. Might rethink next year...

She is defaulting to the child when she comes home. Your time together should be positive, not like this, so I think you’re right to rethink it next year.
Make sure you are unavailable sometimes, be doing your own thing with your friends, to show that you’re not just sitting at home waiting to serve her.

I have this problem with my adult children too. It’s totally exhausting. I don’t know what the answer is because when I occasionally blow my top it just makes things worse. They are all exhausted and impoverished, and come back expecting to relax whilst I provide free hotel services. I try to suck it up once a year but am becoming increasingly resentful.

My DSC are late 20's and early 30's. Have always been polite and good company so that hasn't changed.
But they rarely help, bring nothing with them and happily let DH or I pay for everything. Not sure when this will change but we certainly used to take wine/food/flowers with us when visiting their GP.
They were generous with gifts and appreciated what they got so I'm not really bothered. They definitely seem like they relax and feel at home here.

Ds24 home for a few days and the tv is crap, we need new sofas, we have had a lecture on pensions and politics. I just say yes, mmummm, will look into it and let him get on with it. It is exhausting but tempered by the nice moments!

Yes, I think not doing so much for her is the way to be from hereon. Familiarity does indeed appear to be breeding contempt. Stepping back / creating a little distance seems to be the only way forward now. She's do e this before and I have tried explaining in the past how hurtful it is that she takes me for granted. I brought her up mostly as a single parent so did everything.

I wish she didn't take my love and care for granted and treat it carelessly. I wish we could be close without her doing this. But, it seems not.

Surely, any other adult would not come to stay for a whole 2 weeks? So the problem is built in from the start. If she asks to come next Xmas, give her a clear 3 day period when she can come - don't just let her hang around indefinitely. Surely the emphasis should be on the word adult, not child. If she has her own home, she can't just move into yours whenever she feels like it!

Her sibling is a uni student so comes home for a similar time so it would feel odd to restrict older dd to a shorter time. She doesn't do much either but has got herself a part-time job to her credit.

When parents get off their backs - whichever way 😂

I don’t think there’s anything wrong in asking her directly to cook a few meals. She may not be offering due to assuming you don’t want anyone messing with your kitchen, for example.

The issue is being hyper critical though. My DD is like that (but studies from home). We’ve had a number of falling outs over it until I told her directly to back off and come back when she’s the one running a household and paying all the bills. It wasn’t nice at the time but a more aggressive and direct reality check seems to have done the trick.

The first one would annoy me but the other 2, no. I don't expect my adult DC to start making family meals when they are home. That said DD did actually offer to shop, pay for and cook a Boxing Day meal which I was happy to let her do. Again catching up with friends is fine for my DC they are free to come and go when you n the family home just as they were prior to moving out. The bit about her phone on a walk is ridiculously controlling of you.

What I see is you treating her like a teenager, not her acting like one. You want to exert some control so she behaves in a way that you desire, yet she hasn't really done anything wrong apart from the first point you make which would just be a chat to rectify here.

If me and a friend had agreed to go for a walk together, I would think it was rude to constantly text other people and spend the time catching up with each other. I think expecting her to 'be present' for half an hour is not alot to ask to be honest. And yes, if a friend did that I would think they were being discourteous or else didn't want to be there - in which case, don't come along.

You seem kind of high maintenance, and you haven't communicated your wishes to your daughter. Her behaviour seems fairly normal for someone her age returning to her childhood home.

I’m with you OP on the phone manners and walk. You were the only two people there! I have no phones at meal table rule in our house. No doubt that would be seen as ridiculously controlling by some too. I think it’s having boundaries that are part of educating my teenagers in how to behave well and be present.

Yes I have. Both on this occasion and previously. She was the one saying she wanted to come home to spend time with family as she now lives away. I'm not expecting her to want to be with us 24/7

The dynamic is a two way street here with both defaulting into an adult child relationship.

Both need to accept that an adult/adult relationship needs to be created but that means work on both sides to achieve this and recognising the parent child dynamic is hard to break

But dd is not a student, she has a job and all that entails.

Your children are individuals.

Try 3 days next year, for the working dd. The student sibling keep as is.

Somewhere between ages 25 and 30 in my experience. Hang on in there!

We have a meal rota that is agreed to in advance each week.

So for example I am away with my adult kids and mother.
We are each doing a meal and eating out one night.

This is obviously fair and it is also clear.

Don't expect her to offer, sit down with everyone and do the rota.

Minus is that you have to eat what they cook.

Well, I'd ask her to cook, go to the supermarket or whatever. Time to treat her like an adult

This would be an unusual and extreme way to treat a young adult child back for the Christmas holidays, I can't imagine many parents putting those sorts of stipulations in place.

I think it's a slightly selfish and obtuse age, OP - they often need things to be spelled out for them. They develop a bit more cop on as they get older.

I think they are still very much in "going home for Christmas" mode at this age. Is she in a shared house or flat? Probably everyone else has gone home, even if she's not chances area her friends from work etc have and it's a quiet time. It's not like being a guest in another adult's house at this age. I think it's very normal for them to spend all their time catching up with friends from home, being on their phone etc, the only thing I think she really should be cutting out is the being critical, but again it is a remnant from teenage years when everything your parents do seems to irritate. I think overall it's a gradual shift, which accelerates once they are in a proper home of their own, or settled with a partner who they bring back. Did she cook family meals when she was still at home? If not then it probably isn't going to happen, but will once she has a place for you to go and visit, it all gradually evens out.

Would you really rather have her for 3 days than two weeks? I'd much rather do some work on changing the way we relate than see less of my adult kids.

I do understand the frustration - mine are a little older and just beginning to be a bit more reciprocal in their relationships with us. But they find aspects of our relationship with them challenging too, so it cuts both ways.

A lot of it comes down to managing expectations. Us thinking through what we want and asking for it. Expecting them to offer is hopeless. Like so many situations on here, it needs us to actually talk about how we feel rather than expect others to mind read. The more we pick our battles and have those conversations calmly and respectfully, the better our future relationships are likely to be.

I think you (and she) are confused about whether she is a "guest" or a member of the family.

If you're a member of the family, you would be expected to cook, but you would also expect to be in and out as it pleased you with no particular ceremony.

If you're a guest then you wouldn't expected to cook, but you also can't be expected to be perfect "present" company for 2 whole weeks.

Nit-picking what you've done is rude, and I would have pulled her up on it.
Being on her phone on a walk depends on whether she thought of it as quality time together or you both happening to be walking in the same place at the same time. Better communication would help.

How does your student daughter behave and do you treat her differently?

When do they stop? At some point past 46 I hope… my experience only goes that far.

Right 🤣 it’s common to regress when you go back to your parents’. I do and I’m 35! I’m not happy about it but my parents aren’t perfect either. Faaaar better when they come to us!

I was gonna start a thread today about why do I get so defensive and clammed up when my parents show any interest in my job? I think they’re only asking to pick me apart. I love the separation of work, I like who I am at work and it’s going well and I’m confident. I don’t want to let them in so they can criticise me. Probably goes some way to explain why I regress to teenagerhood when back with them - I don’t want my current adult self who I am very happy with to be judged by my parents. So I just let them judge the teen me as they always did!