Child to parent abuse

[complicatedsitu]

I have searched through threads on this and can find a lot of threads of experiences of teenager - parent abuse. Unfortunately my brother is 32. He is violent, aggressive and manipulative towards my mother. They live close to each other and I live a 10 hour drive away. I'm lost. I think it's been going on for a while but I've only just found out. Her GP knows and she is being supported. But I'm worried for her. What can I do?

She’s the one who needs to take action. They don’t live together so how is he abusing her?

Are there additional needs there with your brother?

Unfortunately your mum, if she has capacity, bears responsibility for looking after her own interests. If she remains in contact with her abusive son and doesn't put any boundaries in place there's little you can do.

You don't say how old she is but Age UK or Hourglass might give some more advice.

Honestly I don't think there are additional needs.

He has hit her when he has gotten angry about something. He has stormed over to her house and done this.

She is seeking help, I would like to try to help without making the situation worse for her. He doesn't know that I know.

She's 72

Hourglass is a helpline for elder domestic abuse. They're 24/7 so you could give them a ring or give your mum their phone number in case something happens again.

This so awful to read . Your poor mum. What is her home situation? Is she a home owner? Dees she rent? Social housing?

Have you suggested that she reports him to the police.

I know. She owns her home and lives alone. It's really distressing.

She won't report him. It's complicated of course because he is her son. Despite the cruelty, she still wants to protect him.

I thought you would say that . Its so hard because her instincts are to protect him . Because he's her son and that's what mums do.

Is she in the position to sell and move closer to you ? So she's far away enough to keep him at arms length . But also not isolated.

I suggested this to her and she said no. She has friends and a life where she lives. Which is good. It would be much more difficult for him to continue this behaviour if she lived further away, but she also shouldn't need to uproot her life because of him. But she is living in fear at the moment and I feel helpless.

It's domestic abuse rather than child to parent violence, because of their ages.
If you don't want to contact police I'd think about ringing adult social care and talking to them about how worried you are. It's a safeguarding issue and something awful could happen to her. She's not the only one. I hotdesk in a domestic abuse office and older women with violent adult sons are unfortunately not that uncommon

Thank you.

Yeah it's not classed as child to parent abuse as your brother is not a child. He's an adult so it is simply domestic abuse. If he is physical and you witness it just phone the police immediately, don't allow your mother to make excuses why you shouldn't.

I've never witnessed it, she's just recently told me about it. She has been given advice on how to manage the situation as she doesn't want to involve the police as she still wants to have a relationship with him. So I think she needs to be clear on boundaries and also distance herself. But she doesn't really want to do this. She adores him. It's all so messed up.

This is so bad. How can she adore him if he hits her at this age, no additional needs.

She has to not let him in,change her locks, or call the Police.

How can you help her if she just lets him in to keep doing it. Its extreme but if you set up a secret recording device and caught him doing it - then someone else outside your mum says we set this device up and are reporting you. Even then it probably won't help because she'll still keep letting him in. She has to be the one to turn him away and stop letting him in.

Horrible for you all.

She wants to see her grandchildren so she won't report him. Maybe it's wrong to say she adores him, but she adores the grandchildren.

Do his partner and Children's Services know that he is violently abusing his 72 year old mother? I doubt his children are safe with him either.

If he's doing that to his 72 year old mum I wonder what he's like with his wife/ex and his kids. What a disgusting man.

I would contact Woman's Aid for advice really OP. This is domestic abuse as he isn't an out of control teenager but a terrifying grown man. He could seriously hurt or kill someone one day. Call Womens Aid and ask for advice. Part of me says report him but without evidence it will probably backfire on your mum.

He sounds like a right dick.

I doubt she's the only person he's abusing.

What about the wife and kids? All very worrying. I think I'd be trying to have a quiet word alone with the wife to see what she says about it all.

It isn't child to parent abuse. It's domestic abuse by virtue of their relationship and assault.

Yes I'm worried for his partner and kids, but I have very little contact with him, so can't contact her. Just a hugely shit situation.

I would contact the police non-emergency number or complete their online form. You can ask to remain anonymous and they can just say they received a report which could easily be from a neighbour. In my area they would pass the information on to the community officer for where she lives who would ring her or pop around and have a chat about how to keep safe etc.

It is highly likely if he is so angry he is travelling to his mum's to hit her then in the ha of the moment he is doing far worse to his wife and DC.

I would offer mum a holiday to come and stay with me for a bit and discuss whether she'd want to move closer to you so you can help her out as she gets older, she'll be fine to move at 72 but leave it any longer and it gets more tricky.

I'm so sorry, it must be awful knowing that this is happening to your DM.

You've had some great advice already. I'm just wondering if your DM would be willing to have done cameras fitted in her home? Your B might be less likely to be violent if he knows he is being recorded?

Financial, coercive control, physical abuse can all take place without two people living together.