Healthy relationship with young adult children

[BloomingFlora]

I have two ds of 19 and 21, both away at uni.
This Christmas will be the first since I left.

I wasn't happy for several years before I left and I know that I wasn't as available/authentic as I should have been with them as most of my energy was going into trying to cope with the unhappy home life.

We had a good relationship when they were children and young teenagers but I feel that a lot of distance has set in and damage has been done.

I'm finally starting to heal myself and I really want to build a healthy, secure, authentic relationship with them as young adults.

If you have a healthy, happy, secure relationship with your older teen/young adult sons, what does that look like?
I worry that I can sometimes be too involved, offering advice which may come across as being interfering/controlling. Other times I feel that I am not supportive enough, and worry that they may perceive it as me abandoning them. Their dad is an excellent provider but an emotional desert.

I had a spectacurlarly shit homelife growing up and am only now, in my 50s, starting to come to terms with it.

I don't have any healthy role models. Interestingly my step siblings have remained childless.

Please help!

I’m confused, you left or were they away at uni?

I moved out of the family home in the summer. Divorce is under way.

They are at uni but will be coming home for Christmas. They will be staying in their home and spending time at my place, just not sleeping over. Their choice, which I respect.

It just feels like so much has changed, including our relationship.

I worry that I can sometimes be too involved, offering advice which may come across as being interfering/controlling. Other times I feel that I am not supportive enough, and worry that they may perceive it as me abandoning them

I'll just be blunt here: stop offering unsolicited advice. If they want your opinion on something they'll ask for it. Do you appreciate getting "advice" from other adults or do you interpret it as them being nosy? Does it make you feel defensive or judged? Well, as hard as it is to wrap your mind around, your sons are now adults and you need to start treating them as such.

Keep the lines of communication open, ask them how they're doing but don't interrogate them. Let them know that you don't want to pry but that you're always there if they need to talk.

And finally, I think you need to address the elephant in the room and have a conversation with each of them about your divorce. You don't have to go into excruciating detail and I'd avoid placing blame on your husband, but you can't just pretend nothing has changed.

Of course your relationship is changing - they're becoming adults! Don't push them away by clinging to how things used to be when they were younger. You'll always be their mother but the "hands on", day-to-day parenting phase is over now.

Thank you so much for being blunt.

You are absolutely right. I need to take a huge step back. I think we became quite enmeshed.

I think the past 5 years have been hard on all of us. Both sons have had significant mental health issues and I found myself giving, supporting, holding them up more than I ever thought I'd need to. To be honest, that was one of the things that left me so emotionally drained as I had no help from their father. I felt that I was holding them up, keeping their heads above water, but in the process nearly drowned myself. That all sounds very melodramatic, doesn't it?

I have been as open and honest as I can about the divorce. They just know that their dad and I no longer love each other enough to stay married, and that we'd rather part ways while there is still enough care and respect to do it kindly and calmly.

To anyone else who is reading, what is your relationship like? How much input do you have? How much time do you spend together? What kind of things do you do?
I realise that these questions must sound a bit mad.

Edited for SPAG

My relationship with my adult children is good. We are very close but .... I totally respect their boundaries. Only offer advice if I'm asked for it. And then with diplomacy

Always hold back on amything you are about to say. Is it necessary?

As someone with literally zero relationship with my parents, the way you are approaching this makes me think you will be fine.

Try to remember that they are finding their way as adults which means mistakes and irresponsible choices sometimes. Don't take it personally if they make different choices than you, because that's part of finding their way.

If there is conflict (which is normal) try to validate the way they feel, even if you don't understand it.

Let them know that you're there for them but not interested in sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. If you think they need support, ask what kind of support they need instead of giving it. Sometimes they may want to vent, other times they might want help solving it.

Also, you are allowed to make mistakes, as long as you can own up to them. If you don't know how to apologize properly, look up some examples. No one is perfect and you have to remember that for yourself and for them.

It will turn out okay. The fact that you are considering this is a great sign. My mother never let go, and it was the death of our relationship. We are very different and she couldn't accept it.

The old advice dilemma - to give or not to give - it's bloody hard because they want advice but they don't want advice - they want help but they don't want help. They create imaginary judgement in their heads, the young adult stage is a bloody minefield. We give advice sometimes about things we know about but we have explained that we don't expect the advice to be followed, we believe it's wise to listen to all sources and then with full knowledge make up your own mind on how you'd like to approach things - we ask them for advice too. They have seen the benefit of this approach.
One adult dc is very private and solitary and one needs chats and talking things through - they have very different needs but they are who they are and we are not trying to change them - just support them as they navigate the tricky decisions in life.

Don’t give advice. Just focus on feeling really warm and loving towards them and this will
communicate itself.

I have a vvv similar trajectory as a mother but with DS and DD. No role models of healthy adult child - parent relationship. Left when DC were same age as yours.

I've had counselling for years. It's a way longer slog than I'd ever imagined to find out who I am and what a healthy relationship - with anyone ! - looks like.

Keep reading, thinking and crucially, being excruciatingly honest with yourself. Absolutely own your mistakes like an adult, with your DS.

Be curious about who they are. Not "what are you studying this term" but more "do you think you've changed since you started uni" (crap example but hope you see what I mean).

Keep listening to them. Just listening - no advice, no judgement, no comparison with you. They may start blaming and criticising you to your face more, and eg defending their dad to you. Just listen and accept and don't defend.

Try and become a relationship they can lean on and trust - so they may go silent for weeks and that's ok.

Stay humorous - be ironic, send funny memes, climb trees, walk like a duck - whatever is your family humour.

Share your struggles but stay "competent" for them. So eg "there's a lot of complicated emotions for me about not having your dad to mow the lawn for me, I've been finding I have some deep and silly beliefs about what men should do", rather than "I resent having to do my own mowing", if that makes sense.

Love languages - while bollocks! - help. One of my DC loves talking and me giving them time, the other I think feels loved when I sort stuff out for them.

Expect to be less overtly important to them They are your primary people, you may be secondary people to them, certainly for the next several years as they explore who they are.

And they want you to be happy. They can relax and forget you, when they know you're ok and happy.

So find your happiness.

Stay as fond and gentle with their dad as possible - that makes life so much better for everyone.

Growing up with emotionally immature parents (book) really helped me see my own childhood and my mothering in new and painful but useful lights.

@BloomingFlora your post really resonates with me. I’m 10 years down the line and both my DC are mid 20s. They live with their dad, which absolutely kills me.

I see them regularly, and they call me several times a week as well as texting most days, so I really can’t complain but I don’t feel the same connection I felt when they were young.

I find @debauchedsloth ’s responses really interesting as I struggle to find the deep questions and find myself asking such boring questions… ‘who did you go out with, did you enjoy, what are your weekend plans etc’. I really find it hard to ask more meaningful things or to really connect with them and have a really good, long chat.

My relationship with my parents is one I would very much call a parent-child relationship and doesn’t feel like a grown up relationship despite me being in my 50s.

I really would love to know how to connect better and feel more like we are on the same wavelength.

Both of them have a passion (as do I), albeit all in totally different areas so we don’t really discuss, but I’m so pleased they have something they follow and enjoy and I know how that feels, but still I can’t seem to connect.

Not meaning to hijack the thread but am just seeking any tips, and suggesting that the connection is what @BloomingFlora needs to find too, although it seems she is closer than I am.

(it may be relevant that during my divorce/separation their Dad became & has remained, a complete Disney Dad as well as piling all the guilt on them and making them responsible for his happiness…( ‘he has nobody except them… mum left them… they are the 3 musketeers’… etc etc) (PS I ended marriage, but nobody else involved).

sorry this ended up longer than intended! :)

My DH died earlier this year. I've got two teenage young adults, both who have coped incredibly well with the death of their father. A different situation but what I've realised is that they want me to be the strong, solid adult. I feel that if I was needy or emotionally struggling, they'd feel bad and possibly guilty for not being able to help. Now, of course I do feel very sad and upset, but I don't load it on them. They don't want to feel responsible for my happiness or wellbeing as that would be a complete reversal of our relationship.

So I suppose what I'm saying is find your new life, live your life and hopefully they'll enjoy being part of it. Don't give unsolicited advice, but that's tricky sometimes. Let them ask you, but maybe they're asking their father instead ( if he's the more stable one)

@timetoreset I am sorry for your loss.
OP - Someone once told me that the very best thing you can do for your children is to deal with your own unmet emotional needs and childhood trauma. So you are on the right track to pursue counselling and other forms of self-help. There will be a ripple effect on your children. As your DS's start to leave the nest and form their identity, they don't want to feel responsible for your emotional well-being. If you send a message that you are okay, or at least "going to be okay", that is a good start. In the meantime don't offer advice and keep going with the open-ended questions. If you have a vehicle, offer lifts when you can. Take them for food/coffee if you are in a position to. Meet them where they are at. Good luck.

@gardenisblooming
Interesting response.

Seems to me intimacy is what we want with our adult kids. We had so much of it when they were children, but without good role models to work from we have no sense of what an intimate relationship with one's adult kids feels like, how it works, what it looks like in practice.

We feel the "gap" and don't know how to cross it.

IMO this is what "reparenting yourself" means. It relates to all stages and aspects of being a parent. So i wonder if or how you might respond to those "deeper" questions, if you asked them of yourself. Like your own parents should have helped you do when you were emerging into the world. How well are you connected to yourself, if that makes sense. Seems to me we need to explore that with ourselves first in order to know the questions in conversations that may build intimacy.
The questions a new lover asks - The "I want to know who you really are" questions.

That's what I mean by scrupulous self honesty!

Obv I don't sit around navel gazing with my DC. But I know one loves me for my openness and insights, for how I keep working on making sense of me them and the world. The other loves my practical support, my knowledge of facts and ability to make them laugh.

I really do recommend books on emotionally immature parenting as I suspect some of the posters on this thread had that themselves - I know I did.

Thank you for such a great and detailed reply. I’m going to look for some books as you suggest.

I think what you’re saying essentially, is to make sure I know myself deeply and my responses to the sorts of questions one asks when getting to know a lover, and then only when that is all clear in my own head, these are the questions the build intimacy and are the types of questions or topics to try to discuss with my 2DS. (Obv a diff type of intimacy with one’s children to a lover!). I don’t think I’ve ever had any sort of deep emotional connection with a family member. I love my parents, but we only talk about the weather and practical things and sadly that is the role model I’ve been following. I actually cringe inside when I hear myself comment on the weather to my DS!

You sound like a great parent, and I love too how you recognise that your DC see diff qualities in you, and I’m guessing they have different needs which you recognise too. I try hard with that too.

But, if I can hijack a teeny bit - I find that it is tricky, my (adult) brother is way more needy in all manner of practical ways and whilst my parents probably saw their behaviour as meeting his needs vs me not needing due to being more independent, I saw it (& still do) as favouritism. It is a very thin line to tread!

Sounds as if you are very caring and had a strong relationship before with them. Going to university changes them anyway and then you have your split so they have a lot to process but those foundations will be a great start.

I feel I have an authentic relationship with DS at uni. Interestingly in term time we mainly text, two or three times a week generally about his sport/social life/food or I might send him a news article vaguely related to his studies. We don't speak on the phone even once a week. So I guess communication in a way that works for them ( DS never phones friends, it's all watsapp)?
We tend to catch up over food and sometimes meal prep together so that's a side by side conversation rather than direct eye to eye interrogation contact.
Maybe talk about what type of work the older one is looking for, what are their career aspirations? How do they find the recruitment tests etc?
I remember from when DS was a lot younger reading about making many more positive than negative comments and I still try to do that in an adult way. We're in no way perfect and there is a lot of eye rolling on both sides but we laugh too and I think he knows he's loved.

The phrase emotionally immature parenting is new to me but resonates. My parents were teens when they had me...barely adults themselves.