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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Unexpected news

20 replies

Walkedon · 11/12/2024 14:15

Hi all, my husband and I are both 60. Second marriage for us both. 10yr relationship. I have 3 adult children whom adore and are adored by him. He has no children having chosen to not have children.
We found out yesterday in a horrid FB post about a 26 yr old daughter searching for her dad..that it is him.
He is beyond upset and cannot describe his emotions. Clearly distressed that the Mother kept this secret, but they “dated” for only 3 months 27 yrs ago.
He will meet and of course be the loving person he is and will do what is best for him and daughter.
Please please don’t give me nasty comments as I am really trying here…. It is hard. Very hard for me.
I didn’t know my biological father. And my mum only told me his name when I was 40 and he had just passed away.
I know my husband and now daughter will go through so much when they start to meet.

I am broken. And I don’t know how to process this. I want to be the best wife as I love him so much.

OP posts:
boulevardofbrokendreamss · 11/12/2024 14:17

I think you are catastrophising. It may not be a bad thing, and you don't need to feel broken by it. Shocked, fair enough.

mumonthehill · 11/12/2024 14:20

I think this could be very difficult to navigate for your dh but it could be very positive for him. If they take it slowly with few expectations and get to know his dd then the outcome could be wonderful. Just support him, be positive and embrace whatever may come.

despairnow · 11/12/2024 14:24

Why are you broken? Are you maybe triggered by your own past rather than the current problem. I don't see why it is all so charged. See what happens

ThisWeeksGripe · 11/12/2024 14:24

I don't understand why you're "broken". Yes, it's a shock, but these things happen. Give it time and be fair to the young woman - she didn't ask to be born.Happened to a friend of mine - an adult son appeared, the result of a brief relationship which predated my friends' relationship. After the initial shock they welcomed him with open arms.

Dinoswearunderpants · 11/12/2024 14:27

If your husband is as loving as you say then this could be amazing news. It makes no sense why you're devastated, you have your children and now he has a daughter.

See it as an opportunity to grow your loving family.

beetr00 · 11/12/2024 14:27

@Walkedon I have 3 adult children whom adore and are adored by him

Try to remember all the joy you've had over the years with your children.

And wish it for him too?

LBFseBrom · 11/12/2024 14:29

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 11/12/2024 14:17

I think you are catastrophising. It may not be a bad thing, and you don't need to feel broken by it. Shocked, fair enough.

I agree.

It could be great, op, nothing for you to be upset about. Just support your husband who must be experiencing all sorts of emotions about meeting his daughter for the first time. I hope he and the girl take things slowly.

Good luck to you all.

Original poster
Walkedon · 11/12/2024 15:05

Thank you all. I’m just struggling because I’m acting happy ( which I am for him) but it’s dredged up so much hurt. Yes I’m sure I’m overdramatising and it will all come good….

OP posts:
ItGhoul · 11/12/2024 15:22

Walkedon · 11/12/2024 15:05

Thank you all. I’m just struggling because I’m acting happy ( which I am for him) but it’s dredged up so much hurt. Yes I’m sure I’m overdramatising and it will all come good….

I'm sure it has dredged stuff up about your own situation with your biological father, and I appreciate that's difficult for you - of course it is.

But honestly, if you want to support your husband through this you need to understand that his own situation with his previously unknown daughter is absolutely not about you, and it would be unfair to make it about you.

Could you look into getting some counselling to work through your feelings about this and what it's raked up for you? I think you need to be able to separate your own background situation to the situation your husband's in. They aren't the same, at all, and I think you really need someone neutral to talk to because obviously in this case, it wouldn't be fair to make your husband your sounding-board for your feelings about your own father.

I think that eventually you will be able to be genuinely happy for your husband and his daughter - and please try not to catastrophise.

DaftyLass · 11/12/2024 15:25

I would try and see this as a chance for growth and healing

ThereIsALifeOutThere · 11/12/2024 15:41

It sounds like you’re mixing your experience with the experience of his dd.

You need to remember you’re two different people, born in different times too.
Your experience won’t be the same than hers.

Things to do
Your dh needs to meet her, understand what has happened. Maybe get a DNA paternity test done too.
Sort out how did the dd learn he is her father? It seems surprising to me he learnt that from FB, could see her post too but she never tried to contact him first.
get some counselling. For yourself. The fact you’ve never known your dad has/is clearly cutting deep. What is happening to your dh has brought back to the surface all those feelings. You need to find a way to deal with them.
Then it will depend a lot on what’s going on, how the dd is, how your dh is handling the situation etc etc….

MidnightPatrol · 11/12/2024 15:43

Don’t make this about you.

Eyesopenwideawake · 11/12/2024 15:45

I was that daughter. Sadly it was too late to have a relationship with my father as he was in the last stages of Alzheimers but I was greeted with open arms by his wife and children (and grandchildren!). Maybe try looking at it as a positive?!

Sidebeforeself · 11/12/2024 15:48

I can understand your feelings OP. I think if I found out my DH had a child, I’d feel very unsettled. Lots of concerns about the change to the family dynamic etc so I can see exactly what you mean. I’d be welcoming to them of course, but it would change things for me , certainly in the early days at least.

slightlydistrac · 11/12/2024 15:54

Hi OP. It may be worth contacting the Salvation Army as they have a support system to help people with family tracing and I believe they can offer help and guidance in navigating the emotional impact, and can help with first contact and rebuilding relationships.

NewName24 · 11/12/2024 16:58

Everything @ThereIsALifeOutThere said.

This is a time to be supporting your dh with his shock. It isn't about you.
If anything, your own situation ought to make you empathise with this young lady more.

NewName24 · 11/12/2024 16:59

Everything @ThereIsALifeOutThere said.

This is a time to be supporting your dh with his shock. It isn't about you.
If anything, your own situation ought to make you empathise with this young lady more.

YourGladSquid · 14/12/2024 09:41

I’m confused why you are so shocked - it was something that happened long before your relationship and as the child is now an adult, there will be minimal interference with your lives as is. It could even be a good thing, a new family member!

Maybe get some counselling while this is unfolding so you can process your own feelings about your father?

Edingril · 14/12/2024 09:45

This is not about you

MadisonAvenue · 14/12/2024 13:21

Why, or how, was the Facebook post ‘horrid’?

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