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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Boyfriends mum- friend or foe?

22 replies

Whitemocha · 09/12/2024 20:17

Backstory ;
Been with my boyfriend 2 years. We are both 30. This is the relationship I always wanted and I see myself being with him forever, I'm very lucky. I love him so dearly and he is the most loving person I've ever met.

My boyfriend is EXTREMELY close to his family and lives with them still. There's his parents and two siblings who are in their twenties. At first I thought the close knit nature of their family was such a green flag but the more I learn, it's slightly toxic. Especially my boyfriend and his mom.

Upon meeting them in 2022 they were warm, friendly, spoiling me, showing me off, so overly excited that my boyfriend was so happy and described me as "gorgeous" and "lovely". One year ago on NYE I had the best time with the parents at a party and felt truly accepted i really bonded with them. But, as of 2024 something changed. I recall my boyfriend booking a holiday for he & I in January whilst I was out of town so couldn't discuss properly what we both wanted. I have severe travel anxiety and got very ill on our first time away so wanted to be sure where exactly we were going, my boyfriend rushed it all on a call with me due to a good deal he found and I heard his parents helping him choose the place for us. I'd asked him politely if he could get some privacy and then heard his mum (who was apparently drinking at the time) made a few disrespectful comments with how cautious and anxious I was about where we were going. His family have often been passively dismissive about my anxiety and I've tried to ignore this..

About a month later though, we all went for brunch for Mothers Day. This was nice. His mum, nan and sister were extremely sweet, kind and generally making me feel apart of the family. His mum messaged me saying thanks for coming etc..

I believe I screwed everything up in June.
My boyfriends friends were getting married just two days before we were going on our holiday. My boyfriend had booked this without reminding me that the wedding (hours away in the countryside) was so close. This was extremely stressful and far too much stress for me as I was unable to get time off from work thus him going hours into the countryside and leaving me to get there by myself the next day and spending tonnes of money, not to mention the cost!
This made my boyfriend very upset, disappointed and due to his heavily codependent relationship with his family, he confided in them and told me they were "really disappointed " in me for letting him go alone. When we went on the holiday, I'd messaged both parents photos of us and seeing how they were which they both blanked. This made me feel foolish and humiliated and I told my boyfriend who stated they were also on holiday and too busy.

What makes things really tricky now is that his mum was rushed to hospital with a heart attack in October. This came from nowhere and during the event she fell and hit her head and had a concussion for days. The entire ordeal had her in hospital for days and I sent her chocolates and flowers to which she sent a nice message saying thanks. She was off work for weeks and has gone back 3 weeks ago. My boyfriend states she's not herself yet but getting better...

Yesterday, she and I met up for the first time in MONTHS. I was very nervous as lots has happened since April when I last saw her.
I got in the car where she was talking to me fine but not asking ANYTHING..no how have you been, job..etc. nothing....
My boyfriend rode in the front seat and was yapping away to her. I swayed between saying nothing, humming awkwardly to the radio and asking how she was. We then went into the supermarket where she was in a daze, mumbling away to my boyfriend but also making short conversation with me about clothes in the supermarket. She giggled a bit when I tried to make jokes to difuse the tension and right at the end when we were unpacking she said "you can go sit in the back if you want hun. I'll sort this" so that made me relax. She also apologised for not dropping us at my place as her petrol warning light came on. I left the car saying my goodbyes and she offhandedly said "see you later".

I can't stop ruminating about all of this.
My boyfriend made no comments about the afternoon but he has the tendency not to see things face value and I honestly don't know if she was being off with me or if it's cos she's had a traumatic time with her health.

Anyone have any insight?

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 09/12/2024 20:22

From what you have written your BF's Mum has done nothing wrong and the whole family has been welcomming and nice to you.
Sounds like your anxiety talking, you are over thinking everything and seeing issues that aren't there.

PiastriThePastry · 09/12/2024 20:24

I have to be honest, I am really struggling to see any issues here. I suspect you’re just massively overthinking every interaction and really just making issues where there are none. She doesn’t need to be your best friend, nor does she need to be a perceived enemy or threat.

YouMeandBrie · 09/12/2024 20:25

I think it went fine op, she probably isn’t quite herself yet but from what you said she seemed pleased to see you. I think you are probably feeling a bit anxious about the relationship but don’t need to be, it sounds as if she has had a lot on personally and has been preoccupied with that.

hideawayforever · 09/12/2024 20:26

did you ask her anything.....like how she was?

crumpet · 09/12/2024 20:27

From your posts it does feel as if you spend a lot of time thinking about yourself and how you feel. There is not much about what you do for other people, or consider how they feel. So it’s hard to say muchZ

lionloaf · 13/12/2024 17:11

I think you should split up with your boyfriend.

He’s close to his mum, she is recovering from a heart attack and you’re moaning that she isn’t asking how YOU are?

Anxious or not, you come across as seriously self-centred. I think he’d be better off with someone who’s a better fit for him and his family, and who doesn’t make everything about them and their wishes.

JustHiker · 13/12/2024 17:33

You sound quite self centred. He sounds a bit enmeshed with his family. I don't think you are very compatible.

Also...humming the car? He was chatting to his mum not sure what you expected 🤔

NewName24 · 13/12/2024 17:34

Have to agree with the first 6 replies.

I read all through the OP, waiting to hit the bit where there was an issue, but couldn't see one, other than your anxiety.

I don't think it is your boyfriend's Mum that is the problem here......

BlueSilverCats · 13/12/2024 17:44

Sounds like they're trying to.. to include you, accept you, make you feel welcome.

Do they love everything about you? Probably not, and it's unreasonable and unrealistic of you to expect that. No one will do that, not even your own parents.

Try and take them at face value , rather than looking for hidden meanings.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 13/12/2024 17:51

He does sound enmeshed with his family and that wouldn't suit me. I wouldn't want a man who had to ask his family's opinion on everything.

However, she doesn't sound that bad. The only thing is that I think she will see you as taking him from them, and that will produce a reaction where she blames you for anything, as she's doing now.

I wish I'd realised back in the day how important it was for a man to have a healthy relationship with his parents and for his parents to be happy for him to make his own decisions and live his own life.

Autumn38 · 13/12/2024 17:52

Blimey they sound lovely. So do you - you are making a big effort with them but I can see your anxiety is getting the better of you.

try NOT to ruminate - all sounds like they like you and want to make you feel welcome. Families don’t always get on perfectly or totally agree with each others actions, and they sound like they are trying to involve you as family. So be prepared to not ALWAYS see eye to eye. As long as you can put it behind you and continue to build I nice relationship i think all should be fine.

try and relax a bit- it will all work out

canyouletthedogoutplease · 13/12/2024 18:00

I'm struggling to see what the issue is, I kept thinking it might be in the next paragraph but all there was was an overriding sense of massive overthinking and uncontrolled anxiety.

A man that lived at home in the pockets of his immediate family at 30 wouldn't be for me, but I'm not sure how that's related to what you feel is going on here? Which I'm still not really clear about.

clarepetal · 13/12/2024 18:05

Autumn38 · 13/12/2024 17:52

Blimey they sound lovely. So do you - you are making a big effort with them but I can see your anxiety is getting the better of you.

try and relax a bit- it will all work out

This. I think you are an over worrier. I am too, you will be fine.

Eddy334 · 13/12/2024 22:04

Its you...you're the messed up one

RachTheAlpaca · 13/12/2024 22:19

You need some support for your mental health, try and reach out to your GP. This isn't healthy for you or your relationship

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 14/12/2024 08:16

Sorry op, unless there is some back story here, the issue is you. I can’t find anything in what you’re written that makes them sound like anything else than nice people. You however come across as quite self centred. I think you really need to get some help because there’s no need to get so upset and anxious about all the things you describe. Your anxiety is going to kill this relationship. From what you describe his family are really trying to include you and accept you.

Whoknowshere · 14/12/2024 18:23

They sound lovely and caring, you sound a very difficult person. Anxiety gif booking an holiday, anxiety for a wedding that was a few days before the holiday, anxiety they don’t reply to your pics, overthinking and over reacting for a simple drive… I would seek some help through therapy as I would not be able to stick around you for more than a few days.

LoyalMember · 17/12/2024 15:24

For God's Sake, you sound like high maintenance and hard work. The whole family's been nothing but nice and accommodating to you.

TinyMouseTheatre · 17/12/2024 20:20

RachTheAlpaca · 13/12/2024 22:19

You need some support for your mental health, try and reach out to your GP. This isn't healthy for you or your relationship

I do agree but unfortunately I don't think that the OP is coming back.

Imissmypuppy · 18/12/2024 06:23

OPi think your boyfriend’s mum has been perfectly nice - why go so far so as to see people as a friend or foe - I think you know already you are overthinking this.

If your anxiety is causing you problems, you need to see your GP for advice - other people should not have to continually alter in their dealings with you when their approach has been perfectly reasonable - it’s a big burden for everyone else to carry.

Janpoppy · 18/12/2024 08:13

he confided in them and told me they were "really disappointed " in me for letting him go alone.

Why is he telling you this? It's not clear why his parent's opinion matters. You had a reasonable explanation for why you couldn't go to the wedding, so what is his point?

Will his parents get a vote on future issues you disagree about? If they do, you will always loose and he will always win, so does your bf want to win everytime you disagree? If he brings them up again in this way, I'd say this is going to be a problem for you in the relationship.

TheBerry · 19/12/2024 20:10

You should have put the wedding in your calendar when first told about it. It’s not on anyone else to remind you. I’d be upset too if my partner forgot a family wedding and bailed last moment.

You seem to be focussing a lot on yourself and your feelings, and think that everything that happens is somehow to do with you. It isn’t. Not everything is about you. Your bf’s mum just had surgery and isn’t feeling herself and maybe isn’t the best conversationalist right now. Maybe you aren’t either.

They all sound really nice. I think you need to stop taking everything so personally. Being anxious isn’t an excuse to be self-centred and play the victim.

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