Hello fellow teenage-raising Mumsnetters.
I'm dealing with a rather complicated situation concerning my soon-to-be 18-year-old son, whom has no disorderly issues besides being very mildly autistic and having ADHD, any advice would be greatly appreciated. Two days ago, he had attended a birthday party for a mutual friend where he and three of his classmates ingested marijuana edibles. They also drank quite a bit that night.
Despite the marijuana edibles and alcohol, my son's friends were sober enough to help him out at the end of the night when he couldn't walk properly and was rambling carelessly, with significant signs of high amounts of irritability. I told him that if I ever caught him using marijuana again, I would have to notify his father.
His father, who resides back in our family’s hometown in China for work and rarely visits us here in South Africa where cannabis is legal, has very strict views on drugs and is totally against the use of drugs. I know that if my husband were here, he would not take this lightly, and the entire family tree would come falling down. My son, however, argues that I’m being unfair because some of his friends’ parents are okay with them using weed as long as it doesn’t interfere with their life and long as they do it responsibly. He even brought up one of his closest friends, someone I’ve met personally over the years, as an example. This friend, who cultivates cannabis in his home, does not consume it frequently out of personal choice, but his parents are lenient about his use as long as it doesn't affect his everyday life as long as he does it maturely. As well as a friend of his who he has shown me she smokes frequently but still managed to graduate with flying colors. My son even asked me to promise not to tell his father about any future marijuana use, saying he'll be responsible. I explained to him that it is not my decision; it is his father's decision. I also suspect that being Asian in South Africa is a small community, and that my son could be easily recognised by a family friend close to our extended family in China, that may spread word.
This isn’t the first time my son has used marijuana. He’s had three previous encounters with being high this year. Around five months ago, after a disagreement about his request for more autonomy at 18, he displayed violent aggression, which really concerned me. The second time was when he had an edible at home, and I spoke to him the next day about potentially reporting his use of marijuana to his father. This time, he was riled up on the phone when I called him while he was still at the party and in a state of being out of this world. He was extremely irritable, easily agitated, and the situation escalated physically the next day. Additionally, he’s mentioned that he smokes “THC-free CBD/CBG hemp flower” after his gym sessions to relieve pain, which adds another layer to his ongoing use of cannabis-related products.
To further complicate things, my son is quite interested in cannabis and even says he wants to get into the industry one day. He is really knowledgeable about the plant, its science, and cannabinoids. He even has a small grow setup at home.
Now to his biggest and main complication affecting him, two days after the party he asked if he could still celebrate his 18th birthday at a nightclub and follow through with plans to party with his friends this December. I told him no because of how he acted at the party, and that he lost the chance. He begged for a second chance, but I told him it wasn't really up to me, that his father would have to agree to that.
At first, I had said to him that the more responsible he acted, the more free rein and independence he would get. After what happened at the party, I am not so sure about that anymore even if he still does his part otherwise of this. I told him that if he went to a nightclub or a party this December, I would call the police and get his father involved. I also told him that anything he did would have to be closely supervised by me, at most such as a movie night. There would be no autonomy for him during this time.
He's now upset and claims I'm being unfair. He says that this December is his last opportunity to have some high school times, as graduation is next year after half a year of final exams, and turning 18 is an once in a lifetime event he wouldn't be able to repeat. He feels that I'm ruining his opportunity to have fun with his friends, and he insists that he just wants to enjoy this milestone, the December good times, and the wild New Year's parties the way his peers are, as he says he has not found his self-fitment socially until this year and has not done much socially at younger ages.
How should I approach this situation? He seems to be severely broken over this.