Adult son at home

[Fedupfortysomething]

I'm at my wits end with my almost 20 year old son.
He is lazy, steals, is abusive, verbally and physically aggressive, manipulative and just really awful to live with. He stays in bed all day and is up all night. My 12 year old now has to sleep in the living room so he can get an undisturbed night's sleep meaning I am now sent off to my bedroom most nights by 9.30.
He has type 1 Diabetes and is not managing it well which I do feel contributes to a lot of his behaviour. He looks awful and has absolutely no intention of changing his habits to try and improve his health. I'm sure he has mental health issues due to his diabetes and also his lifestyle.
I panic everyday that he is going to go into Diabetic ketosis or a coma. We often go into his room and rouse him from sleep him to check he is alive.
I've been in touch with Diabetes UK, his GP, Social work and some lady who is supposed to be supporting him but because of his age they cannot discuss things with me or they cannot force him to engage with them. They have told me to phone the police when he gets abusive but I feel I can't grass on my son and if I did it won't sort out the problem. I worry he will die in Police custody.
I'm constantly worried about his health but now it's affecting my health and my younger sons health. We are scared of him and so fed up of living like this but we love him and want him to get better and just have a happy life. I feel such a failure as a mother and he tells me that it's my fault he acts so terribly. I really would appreciate any help or advice .

Oh dear. It sounds hard op. He needs to get a job or college place and sort his plans out. Otherwise, if he's not going to listen to you, you might be doing everyone a favour by asking him to move out.
That would put things into focus for him!

I would kick him out. He would need to sort himself out pretty quickly then.

I assume he’s not contributing financially? I would set a date that he has to start paying rent or move out if he won’t.

What's he doing when he's awake all night and why is he stealing?

Hi, OP - not quite the same (and not to that level) but my DD also has a chronic illness that she struggles to manage and tends to take out her frustrations on me (she mostly does okay but her anger is 100% directed at me).

I 100% understand your reservations on how to go about it, my best advice would be to get yourself into counselling so you can learn how to stick to your boundaries and (most importantly, at least for me) to let go of the feeling of guilt/responsibility towards your DS. At his age he’ll have to figure it out on his own - with support, sure, but mostly on his own - and as parents we can’t keep enabling poor decisions, especially when it’s affecting everyone around them.