What does a good relationship with adult DCs look like?

[ipredictariot5]

I have had a poor relationship with my father. Due to his behaviour towards my mum she
kept leaving then returning to an unhappy marriage. I feel emotionally distant in that I would never ask her for advice about any emotional problems due to this. However we do get on and I see her regularly as do my kids
Now as the parent of adult children myself I want to try to maintain emotional closeness.
I do not know what this means and I want to get it right so hope MN wisdom can help! What does a good relationship look like - how much do
they tell you/ how much do they want / take advice?

I don’t have a good relationship with mine but I think a decent relationship is when your parents don’t criticise or judge

they are positive even when you make a mistake

they don’t cause drama and make everything about themselves

they quietly support you and are on your side

(this is what I never got)

I think it’s when as the dc you are clear they love you unconditionally, they take time to see you in a way which doesn’t feel too much/stiffling, they make an effort with your dp and your dc. Doing things together with some regularity so there are ongoing shared experiences.

I think I have a good - not excellent - relationship with my DD27 and DS25 and I think I know what works and what doesn't so I agree with the PP (and can add some of my own thoughts) on what makes a good parent:
-they don’t criticise or judge
-they are positive even when you make a mistake
-they don’t cause drama and make everything about themselves
-they quietly support their children and are on their side
-they're always happy to hear from their children and interested to hear what they're doing
-they can speak with their children as adults, not as parent and child. They listen

A good emotional closeness can be best achieved by stepping back and assessing their different strengths and needs. As they mature accept that they will be different people and they will continue to change as they age.

Take your lead from them in terms of how often you contact and make sure you use their preferred method. If I have not had contact from mine after 3 weeks I send a text, Hiya how are things. They dont always reply straight away and that fine. They text back or sometimes this prompts a phone call.

With visits again let them decide. As they age you become less of a mum and more of a friend but always keeping the caring of a mum going. I always keep the conversation really light. I never moan or complain about my health.

Thank you all - lots of helpful pointers for me

Disageee with always being positive. I think parents need to be kind, forgiving but also honest. I will tell my adult DDs if I disagree with them but also make it clear it’s their life and decisions to make . They know I will always love them but I’d don’t always like their behaviour and I tell them if so.

I'm fortunate to have a good relationship with my father (my mother died 6 years ago) and my adult children. I've tried to model the relationship I have with my father which is close, honest and loving with my children. I listen when they want to talk but don't pry. I show an interest in their lives and try to remember the details. I remember the names of their friends and welcome them to my home. I give my truthful opinion if they ask for it otherwise I mind my own business. I help with practical matters but don't tell them what to do or think. I respect them and expect respect in return. I love them and tell them so. We laugh a lot, sing a lot and talk a lot. I am very lucky. But I never forget I am their mother not their friend.

Mine are 25 and 23. DD2 has now moved out and is working. DD1 is finishing her PhD, planning to come back home next summer, as far as I know.

When we are all together, we do kind of "revert to type" as in I drive, DH sits in the front and the DDs sit in the back. DH or I will pay if we eat out (they do offer!). When we were last all together to move DD2 into her flat, DD1 insisted that she would carry heavy stuff with DH rather than me doing it. We try to listen without judging, to be there for them in spirit if not in person and to laugh as much as possible. They know the family home is always there for them too.

We have family WhatsApp groups - one for me and the DDs, the other for all of us. The DDs may well have one with DH too. We share silly things we have seen or done, or photos. I still teach in their old school, so I often share news of their old teachers or people they went to school with. When Bake Off was on, we would post all the way through about who we thought would leave etc., just like we would do if we watched it in person together.