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Parents of adult children

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Dd giving us the silent treatment

8 replies

bendmeoverbackwards · 26/11/2024 15:42

Dd1 is 23 and the oldest of 3 girls. She came back to live at home last year after graduating and is currently working in the leisure industry.

Up until a few weeks ago, she was very easy and lovely to live with. Usually eats with us and happy to chat or hang out with us in the evenings (but no pressure at all from us to do that, we recognise she's an adult with her own life and we have no expectations how she spends her time).

A few weeks ago she started to become quite aloof with us, less chatty, giving one word answers, eats dinner and then immediately leaves the table. Dh and I tried to talk to her to find out if she was upset with anything or us. We asked if it was to do with dd3 (17, currently doesn't speak to dd1 but that's a whole other issue). Dd1 insisted it wasn't to do with her sister and said she finds talking hard so we didn't push it. The only thing we thought of was perhaps she was trying to come out as gay to us, but actually I don't think it's that.

She is of course entitled to her privacy and doesn't have to tell us anything but I'm finding it very hard to live with someone who seems to actively avoid us and barely says 2 words to us.

She did have some mental health problems in Year 13 but resolved with medication and therapy. I think she might have gone back to medication over the years but not sure, but she does seem quite on the ball of her own health.

How would you handle this?

OP posts:
roundaboutthehillsareshining · 26/11/2024 16:01

What happened a few weeks ago? Was this after a night out? Have you noticed any other patterns in her behaviour - going out less, being on the phone/internet more or less?

I'd be concerned that something traumatic may have happened - she may have been attacked, for example. I would consider pushing a little harder. Maybe write her a note and pop it under her door saying what you've said here - that her behaviour's changed and you're worried about her, not angry and that you want to support her. Offer to be open to her responding in kind, if she'd rather email or text you, or put a note in your bedroom, rather than forcing the issue of talking to you.

MissyB1 · 26/11/2024 16:03

I would think either something specific has happened or her mental health is slipping again. Is there another family member or close friend who she might open up to?

bendmeoverbackwards · 26/11/2024 16:13

She's always been a very closed book and reluctant to talk about things. That said, she does have a therapist/counsellor who she sees from time to time. I'm glad she goes and I don't pry about what she talks about.

She's not a big party girl and her social circle is quite small. She's still in touch with school friends who she sees but it's difficult now they're living all over and working etc. She spends her time mostly working, going to dance classes and enjoys being at home doing her nails or cuddling our cat.

OP posts:
VioletSpeedwell · 27/11/2024 07:18

Is the leisure industry job part time or part of her career plan?

bendmeoverbackwards · 27/11/2024 11:32

She’s working at 2 leisure centre, a variety of roles. She’s hoping to become a professional dancer (she has a dance degree) but it’s highly competitive so she’s t may not happen.

OP posts:
VioletSpeedwell · 27/11/2024 11:55

I wonder if that might be part of the problem. That it's dawning on your DD that she has devoted a lot of time to a degree which has virtually no chance of providing an income which will give her independence. And at 23 that's what she'll be looking for.

Or she had a bad experience on line. Maybe a dating app?

bendmeoverbackwards · 27/11/2024 13:11

Yes I did wonder about her career path @VioletSpeedwell She knew (as did we) that the performing arts industry is extremely competitive and not many make it, but she spent 3 years doing something she enjoyed and came out with a BA (class 2:1) which is equivalent to any other BA as far as I’m concerned. I don’t think she’s desperate to enter the industry, she’s currently doing aerial classes but needs to rebuild her strength after 3 months off over the summer when she did Camp America. I think it’s taking young people longer these days to find their career path, but that said, some of her school friends seem more settled and have good jobs earning good money. So maybe it’s that that’s bothering her.

But I can’t get her to open up which is the problem so it’s all guesswork.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 01/12/2024 17:54

bendmeoverbackwards · 27/11/2024 13:11

Yes I did wonder about her career path @VioletSpeedwell She knew (as did we) that the performing arts industry is extremely competitive and not many make it, but she spent 3 years doing something she enjoyed and came out with a BA (class 2:1) which is equivalent to any other BA as far as I’m concerned. I don’t think she’s desperate to enter the industry, she’s currently doing aerial classes but needs to rebuild her strength after 3 months off over the summer when she did Camp America. I think it’s taking young people longer these days to find their career path, but that said, some of her school friends seem more settled and have good jobs earning good money. So maybe it’s that that’s bothering her.

But I can’t get her to open up which is the problem so it’s all guesswork.

Is the fact that she and her sister aren't speaking a separate issue?

Bit of a common theme...

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