I am a wreck about kids coming home for holiday

[momtoboys]

I have five young adult/adult sons all a little more that 4 years apart. Two are in 1st year of uni, two live in different cities about 6 hours away and one works and lives at home saving for a house. We are currently living in the US and have the Thanksgiving holiday coming up next week. All of my boys will be home. I should be thrilled and part of me is, but two of them really don't get along very well and one in particular, my oldest, is just hard. I love him to bits and he has a big heart but he is hard headed, opinionated and everything he says is right. Its difficult to have a conversation with him. It sets the whole house on edge. He can be so obnoxious that one of my younger sons really prefers not to speak to him. I am so worried that with everyone together for several days that it will all blow up.

Anyone else have a similar problem?

Oh dear, that sounds difficult! No advice really - just wanted to sympathise.

The only thing I can suggest is speaking to whichever of them is the easiest going to say, 'You're the sensible one - if Jack or Tom start getting argumentative with each other can you jump in and smooth things over? Ask Tom to have a game of pool (substitute something useful) with you?

Or speak to all of them individually to say how much you are looking forward to having them - and for your sake can they tolerate their brother and bite their tongue if he annoys them?

I think I would fake feeling less fearful and set some ground rules on the family thread. ‘Looking forward to seeing everyone so much- to ensure we all have a lovely time, can we agree that xyz (whatever you want to say)’ and just put it out there. ‘Can we agree’ so they’re opting in, and ask everyone to give it a thumbs up. I actually think even without challenges this is useful for returning teenagers/young adults because it can be a tricky adjustment after the freedom of uni. I’d aim for a chipper tone, not apologetic, and definitely not worried. Good luck 🤞🏻

I would do this. Worth a try.

Thank you for the suggestions!

I dunno, imo it puts too much responsibility on one- why should they put their own needs aside to keep the peace. And what if they can’t?

i’m not a big fan of using the “good” kid to modify the “bad” kids behaviour. Why should they suffer to make everyone else more comfortable.

the harder choice would be to speak to the argumentative one and ask him to wind his neck in. He’s the problem, why should he carry on and have everyone else bite their tongue? You can be diplomatic, tell him you know he has strong opinions and you respect the force of his passion, but can he steer clear of anything that might cause a row so you can all have a peaceful time. Perhaps tell him if you ask him to calm down a conversation, he does so. You’re not disagreeing or shutting him up, it’s just heading for an argument and it can be done another time.

i’m not a big fan of using the “good” kid to modify the “bad” kids behaviour. Why should they suffer to make everyone else more comfortable

I'm not either, why should being good and easy going be punished? I hated it when the Teachers at Primary used this technique and had to have a word a few times.

Excellent post @Whatamitodonow

Just tell eldest he's not invited - problem solved. If he asks why explain to him. He may be the oldest but his behaviour ( or fear of his behaviour) is making you feel a wreck? He is an immature bully and you are jeopardising your relationship with other children. I sense that you are afraid of him OP. What does your DP say (if they are on the scene)?

I agree that ahead of time it might be best to point out to the obnoxious one that if he can’t wind his neck in he may not get invited! Why should everyone tip toe around him?

Just to add I don’t go home to see my parents at all anymore due to a very difficult sibling who basically never gets pulled up on her behaviour and everyone is expected to accept it because “oh you know how they are”

Play games! Organise some outings, either a night at a pub quiz or a long walk or something to get them out and about .

Put on an old movie, or buy a football, even their old play station.

What ever works.

As long as they aren’t physical let them bicker, walk away, find a quiet spot.

I can totally see that. I think as a Parent of you have a difficult child you're so used to making allowances that this can easily be carried in into adulthood.

The difficult sibling does need it pointing out though that everyone can't be expected to tiptoe around them for the whole holiday and they have to make an effort to get on.

I would send the difficult adult child a message. Let them know that you have been feeling a bit anxious because...They always talk over their younger brother
They aren't very good at accepting that others have different opinions to them
They are a bit explosive when others disagree. Tell them you would very much like to enjoy the time with them and as they are now an adult you would appreciate them having a little more awareness of their impact on others. And then pull them up on those behaviours if they display them while the visit.