DS not wanting to see me

[Thefuture987]

Brief summary.
Single parent to Ds since he was 9. He left home a few months ago for a really good job. He’s 18. We used to do lots of stuff together but now he won’t even commit to a time to meet up - it basically sounds like he might see me if nothing better crops up. We have met a few times since he left but he seems less keen now. It’s breaking my heart but I don’t want to make him feel he has to see me - because he obviously doesn’t have to.
I feel the bond we had has disappeared for him. Maybe thisI normal but I guess I’m not used to him seeing me as a last resort if nothing better crops up 😢

I don't understand- he only left a few months ago and already you've seen each other 'a few times'? That sounds like plenty but obviously 'a few' could mean different things so it's hard to tell for sure. Kids grow up and move on, I wouldn't take it personally. It means you did a good job to raise an independent person.

My husband loves his lovely mum dearly but we live a 5 hour drive away and have our own separate life. Nothing wrong with that & I expect my kids to spread their wings when they're older too.

He’ll be back when he wants something. He’s transitioning into adult hood.

He wants to prove he can do it, and probably absorbed in new friends new area etc. it’ll settle down. Once he has the life he wants he’ll make time.

Honestly, send him silly texts, invite him home for dinner - just keep the lines open.

If he was off at university how often would you expect to meet up?

dh and I saw our parents once every 3 months and count ourselves lucky if we see ours they same amount…they are living their own lives and can come home any time

Students who go off to university aren't expected to keep popping home during the first term and he is the same age. He is learning to be independent. Now is your opportunity to be more centred in yourself.

Although you saw him more before, that was because you lived together. My DS (14) has decided to live with his dad as it means he can be near his best mate who lives up the road. He loved cuddles and chatting to me when he was little, I was his world, but he's almost 15 and parents bore him!

We text a bit and I see him for food occasionally (he likes my cooking), but his attention is on his friends. If your son has left earlier he would probably be the same - interested in mates.

Thank everyone 😊 it’s helped let me get things into perspective-and I am how proud of how self sufficient he is, it’s just hard not being a “functioning mum” to him every day. He’s not that far from me (less than 2 hours). I guess having heard about others who’ve left home, I thought he might miss home ( or even just the pets!) a little. Please don’t think I wanted him to be sad in his new life, but it’s almost like he flicked a switch moved on.

You have to reframe this as happiness that they’ve struck out on their own, and be proud of what you’ve achieved helping them to ‘launch’.

Keep lines of communication open but don’t expect quick replies! Ours makes more of an effort now he’s 24 and 20 minutes drive away but at uni I occasionally resorted to texting ‘are you still alive? xx’ of 2 or 3 weeks went by with no response - he usually replied to those!

Nice update op and i yes imagine it's hard to adapt. If it makes you feel any better be glad you're not my MIL - her youngest is 26, but still lives with her and doesn't seem to be going anywhere any time soon 😳🥴😂

I have 4 sons, if I don't message them I would never hear from them tbh. Their girlfriends are much more forthcoming with information and chatting. It's life a mother to son I'm afraid. Be proud that you have nurtured an independent human, who is confident to fly the nest ...that is our job ultimately 😁

This all sounds completely normal. Seeing him 2 or 3 times a year would be fairly typical, so you're probably already seeing him more often than that. He's grown up - he needs to branch out on his own.

@Cynic17 thanks. Others I know whose adults have moved a similar distance still meet up even if just for lunch every month or so, and I was hoping for similar. Maybe things will change when it’s not something new for him.

@bert3400 thank you for your kind words 🙏

I think some men just aren't great communicators

Some people don't need regular communication. If there's news - good or bad - they're interested, otherwise they don't need more regular chat.

Just wanted to say that I know how you must feel. After doing everything for him and having regular communication, it must be hard to have it suddenly stop.
When my 23 year old son was at uni, I found it hard at first. He's my only child.
He's moved back now. Don't be surprised if your son asks to move back home for a while in the future.
Keep messaging him each week and do ask him to meet up sometimes.
Boys are not always good at keeping in contact x

@Lizzbear thank you so much for your reply. 😊 My son is absolutely adamant at the moment that he’ll never move back home!

@Enough4me yes I have a similar experience in slightly different ways for different reasons. But the reality is, if everything is going ok, needs being met, then you're going to be contacted less.

I think this is maybe more common with boys? I could be generalising here as don't have experience parenting girls. I only have a brother and observe obvious differences that way. It's almost always when something is wanted /needed rather than a desire for general interaction/ bonding come a certain age.

Don't take it personally OP. Be thankful he's doing ok and allow yourself to grieve the loss of the little boy 💐

@Tittat50 thank you ☺️