DS has left home

Whatnow98888 · 2024-11-08T23:46:35+00:00

Ds (18) left home recently to move to another turn about 1.5 hrs away for work. He did really well to get the job, has made new friends and is enjoying his life. I am very happy about this but… I miss the life we used to have and he seems so distant in his texts now and sends brief messages then disappears until the next brief message. I have seen him for a few hours a few times which he seemed keen to do but recently is more distant. I know he’s not missing home or me at all - which in most ways I’m relieved about. I’ve been a single mum to him for about 8 years so I guess the impact of him going is more. It’s like the life he had at home means nothing anymore and I know that sounds dramatic. I don’t want to talk to him about it as I don’t want him feeling he has a duty to be more chatty. Anyone else been through this?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/11/2024 23:57

My son isn't at that stage but as the adult child who moved away, my advice is don't be standing back hesitating to contact him or waiting for him to contact you. Contact him little and often with a message or a quick call, and visit often to meet for lunch or a drink and chat.

My mother is wonderful but she never contacts me. It is my job to contact her. And since we chat for ages I put it off until I have time...and since I've put it off, we have more to chat about so it's a long call... From her point of view it is a virtue that she is "not disturbing my busy life", but actually it puts the responsibility onto me when I would prefer a quicker back and forth.

Also 18 is an age when we are meant to go out in the world and separate from our families, but as we get older most of us gradually come to understand how important family is and value those ties in a more adult way. Hopefully your son will do so in time!

Mossstitch · 09/11/2024 01:41

Think it's quite normal with sons, when mine were getting to that stage a good friend of mine, who also has 3 sons but a lot older than mine, told me if anything is wrong you'll hear about it so no contact from them is a good sign! They are getting on with their lives and shows you've done a food job, you just have to be there when they want/need you which will happen, mine have been back and forth a few times😂two 30+ Yr olds living with me at the moment. One of mine lives abroad and is the least communicative but always comes back for a week at xmas, I just make sure i whatsapp every now and again to maintain contact and at least you can tell they are alive by the 'last seen online'👀😃

PolaroidPrincess · 10/11/2024 07:59

Totally agree with sending him some messages but don't always expect a reply. My DM never calls or messages either then complains that she never talks to anyone.

I can totally understand though how this is a huge change for you and how you must be missing him.

Did you manage to plan many things for yourself when he was applying for the job and planing his move?

ssd · 11/11/2024 18:07

Boys eh

InconvenientPeg · 11/11/2024 18:11

I send tiktoks and memes about shared interests or humour. Mostly he just hearts them but he knows I'm thinking about him and he'll sometimes randomly call me or send me something back. He's at uni, so a bit different but I didn't want calling me to become a duty thing, so decided to try and keep it little, often and light hearted.

TruthAndTrust · 11/11/2024 18:22

Does he still have friend in your home town? If so, then I imagine he will come back to see them.
I can understand why you are sad but you are being a bit silly to think the fact he is happy away from you means that everything you've done for him is meaningless.
Are you able to visit him easily at his new town? Could you go for the day and invite him to lunch? He might be pleased to spend a few hours with you especially when there is good food. If not then can you promise him his favourite meals if he comes home for the weekend.

I'm not sure about sending too many texts and memes and things. Not unless you know that he would like it.

Littletreefrog · 11/11/2024 18:29

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/11/2024 23:57

My son isn't at that stage but as the adult child who moved away, my advice is don't be standing back hesitating to contact him or waiting for him to contact you. Contact him little and often with a message or a quick call, and visit often to meet for lunch or a drink and chat.

My mother is wonderful but she never contacts me. It is my job to contact her. And since we chat for ages I put it off until I have time...and since I've put it off, we have more to chat about so it's a long call... From her point of view it is a virtue that she is "not disturbing my busy life", but actually it puts the responsibility onto me when I would prefer a quicker back and forth.

Also 18 is an age when we are meant to go out in the world and separate from our families, but as we get older most of us gradually come to understand how important family is and value those ties in a more adult way. Hopefully your son will do so in time!

I agree with this. My mother went so far with 'not bothering me' that it actually turned into not bothering with me and now we rarely talk or see each other.

Don't go over the top but stay in contact. Even if his responses are brief or non existent keep up the communication.

My son is 17 and still lives at home but as he works shifts on his apprenticeship we can go a week or so without seeing each other. I make sure to still message him even if most of the time his response is just a thumbs up, at least I know he knows I care

Original poster

Whatnow98888 · 11/11/2024 23:06

@TruthAndTrust thanks 😊 I have offered to visit but he says he can’t commit to it unless it’s last minute! Basically if he has nothing better to do…!

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatnow98888 · 13/11/2024 06:51

I just can’t shake this feeling that seeing me is now a last resort if nothing better comes up, Ii’d much prefer to have a time booked to look forward to.

OP posts:

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 13/11/2024 07:01

Hi OP, I think you have forgotten what life is like as an 18 year old! I was born and brought up in a tiny village outside Cambridge, this was back in the ages before the Internet or fun had been invented. I went to sixth form in the wicked flesh pots of Cambridge which nearly blew my mind!
I followed that by going to University in London. I went totally crazy. I remember falling asleep one afternoon in a student bar because I hadn't been to bed for 3 nights. I could no more have planned a visit from my parents than I could have planned an expedition to Mars!
I thought I was doing well if I went to breakfast. I actually remember making friends with a young man from a similar background because we made an effort to go to breakfast on a Sunday. That was our proudest achievement in our first year.
I expect your son is the same. You sound like a lovely person just keep in contact and enjoy your freedom!

Original poster

Whatnow98888 · 13/11/2024 09:15

@Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit thsnks, My son isn’t at uni-he’s working! We used to do so much together it just hurts that I’m bottom of the list now.

OP posts:

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 13/11/2024 10:35

I'm sure he hasn't forgotten. And it's the age. I would have been worse if I had been at a job .

Floralnomad · 13/11/2024 10:41

I’d contact him and see if you can have a chat , or text and invite him to dinner or something . Our son moved out at about 24 ( early 30s now) , he comes home to stay for a few days 2/3 times a year and calls me most evenings on his way home from work .

Pocketyocket · 13/11/2024 10:44

It's just his age! It must be very hard as it was just you and him though. Keep contacts short and sweet, and be really proud that you've raised an independent young man! It gets easier, and I promise he isn't going to forget you. Go and do some things, keep up with friends etc. Your good relationship stands you in really good stead, it'll be ok 💐