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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Adult daughter conflict

76 replies

EverythingisRosie · 30/10/2024 21:48

Hoping for some advice from anyone who may have been through similar and can offer some advice.
My eldest daughter is 40, I have a son of 38 another son who is 20 and a daughter who is 16.

The youngest two children are half siblings as it's my second marriage. The eldest have always got on with my husband (their step dad). He was a brilliant step dad although the teenage years with my daughter were quite tricky as she was very challenging at times.

My eldest daughter has made it known to me that she is disappointed with our relationship.
Four years ago at the start of lockdown she had breast cancer and it was a very difficult time for us all and her especially. As it was during lockdown it was very difficult to spend time with her but we made it work as best we could. I visited most days, cooked and looked after my grandchildren as much as I could, (she has two girls). The relationship took a big wobble when my youngest daughter wanted to return to school (she was in year 6 and wanted to finish her time at primary). My eldest daughter thought I was putting her life at risk as she would then be at risk of catching covid at a time when her immunity was compromised by having chemotherapy.
I was stuck in the middle and wanted the best for both and offered to do as much as a could for her without coming into direct contact. This was difficult but we got through it.

Since then and during her recovery from breast cancer she has been highly critical of my apparent preference/favouritism to the younger half siblings.
She feels excluded and not part of the family.
The truth is that her life and my life are very different.
Her home is chaotic and very disorganised which I find hard to deal with. I don't cope very well with mess and its very triggering to be in her home. I have tried in the past to help get things in order but it's never maintained and in order to protect my own energy I have stopped offering my help.
I have just accepted that we are different in that respect and that's okay.
Her lifestyle is VERY different to mine, her husband is a high earner and she has frequent luxury holidays and membership to a beautify private spa and leisure facility. Her whole family are vegan and only eat organic & whole foods which is different to us.
I gave up my career when my youngest son was diagnosed with autism and I needed to be at home more. I work part-time now but don't earn a huge amount. We are comfortable but careful.
I have always tried my best to cater for them when they visit. When we meet up I am always fearful of the costs involved and inevitably visits mean eating out. I also have to drove and hour there and an hour back to fuel costs are also noticeable.
My daughter offers lots of (often unwelcome) advise including those around health. I have a few ongoing issues. Her advice often involves huge amount of money if followed through therefore I largely listen but don't follow through.

I could go on but she feels that I don't want to spend time with her. In truth with parenting the two children who live at home, managing a part time job and looking after three dogs I am pretty exhausted.

She sent me a message today which was very hurtful. I appreciate she feels hurt but compares the time I spend with her to the time I spend with my 16 year old. I have tried pointing out that she had that time when she was younger and that I can't do any more.
She accused me of not including her in family things. One of those being a short break I had with my younger daughter so that she could surf abroad. It was a budget break and we stayed in a surf hostel which she would have hated.

We have argued back and to all day and I am just constantly accused of not hearing her hurt. I do hear but I can't give any more of myself as there is little time or energy.
Where do we go from here? I want the make it better and for her to feel heard but she makes me feel so defensive and then I just want to withdraw and avoid. Not sure how we move forward...

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 30/10/2024 21:53

There's 24 years between your daughters? That must have been really difficult.for everyone.
Is the standard of living you've been able to offer your younger dc different to older dc?

Original poster
EverythingisRosie · 30/10/2024 21:59

At the time it felt quite joyful. My elder daughter was delighted to have a baby sister. No difference in lifestyle fundamentally

OP posts:
Jeezypeepz · 30/10/2024 22:02

She's an adult. Jealous of a child. She was an adult when her sister was born. Sounds like she has no self awareness either.

What does she suggest when you ask her what she wants you to do?

titchy · 30/10/2024 22:07

What are your health issues? You sound quite over-whelmed, but I can't quite see why. You work part time, a 20 year old, doesn't really need parenting and a 16 year old not that much unless they're off the rails in some way. You also say you find the mess in her house triggering - that's an odd feeling. Why? What does it trigger and why have you offered to help her with it? It's her house and she can clearly afford outside housekeeping help so presumably doesn't want to prioritise the house.

She's right though isn't she - you don't want to spend time with her. It's too expensive, too messy, you don't like her health suggestions, her diet, her lifestyle. What do you like about her? What do you enjoy about her company?

AgainandagainandagainSS · 30/10/2024 22:08

The not wanting her sister to go back to school gives me the absolute ick. She sounds rather indulged (not by you). Oh and if she wants to build her health up, try eating some real food.

But I can see how you having a ‘second family’ must have thrown her.

titchy · 30/10/2024 22:13

The not wanting her sister to go back to school gives me the absolute ick

Do you not think she was absolutely desperately frightened of dying and leaving her small children without a mum?

Original poster
EverythingisRosie · 30/10/2024 22:13

She wants me to want to spend more time with her and my granddaughters. Mostly she seems to want me hear all about her hurt. I have suggested family therapy but suspect she will walk all over me in therapy as she has it weekly. She speak to me in therapy speak all the time.

OP posts:
FfsBrian · 30/10/2024 22:16

Stop pandering to her. She is a grown adult. I had to do it with my 29 year old.

There is a time when you can say enough. My 29 year old wouldn’t pay for a single thing when we went out and kicked off because I wouldn’t didn’t get her an ice cream like I did for her 8 year old sister. I’d just spent thousands flying out to where she lived and paying through my nose for meals. It was like she was on holiday, not me.

I didn’t speak to her for a day as I was so mad. She came to my hotel the next creeping.

We might be mums but we are also human beings - and an adult child behaving like this is not ok. ( especially when they are 40)

Tell her to grow up x

Original poster
EverythingisRosie · 30/10/2024 22:17

titchy · 30/10/2024 22:13

The not wanting her sister to go back to school gives me the absolute ick

Do you not think she was absolutely desperately frightened of dying and leaving her small children without a mum?

She was terrified and it was really hard for everyone

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 30/10/2024 22:25

I'm not much older than her myself and she sounds a bit of a dose, honestly. It seems to me you have done your best, gone above and beyond indeed when she was ill and now you have to listen to this therapy speak. I have lots and lots of thoughts on my parents (many) shortcomings when we were children, some I have mentioned but almost affectionately and I certainly don't drone on about them endlessly like some kind of victim. Life is too short, we are ALL too flawed to continually pick at scabs, look for faults and be so hard on one another. Unless someone is being actively abusive, unkind or neglectful, she and her kind need to give their parents a bit of a break.

Original poster
EverythingisRosie · 30/10/2024 22:25

titchy · 30/10/2024 22:07

What are your health issues? You sound quite over-whelmed, but I can't quite see why. You work part time, a 20 year old, doesn't really need parenting and a 16 year old not that much unless they're off the rails in some way. You also say you find the mess in her house triggering - that's an odd feeling. Why? What does it trigger and why have you offered to help her with it? It's her house and she can clearly afford outside housekeeping help so presumably doesn't want to prioritise the house.

She's right though isn't she - you don't want to spend time with her. It's too expensive, too messy, you don't like her health suggestions, her diet, her lifestyle. What do you like about her? What do you enjoy about her company?

I don't want to disclose my health condition but it leaves me depleted in energy.
My 20 year old does need parenting as he has autism and mental health challenges.
As I said I have offered help and indeed helped a great deal in the past. I don't find being around lots of mess very comfortable and its not an environment I want to hang out in.
There is lots I like about her but its challenging to meet her needs

OP posts:
stichguru · 30/10/2024 22:47

Fundamentally it sounds like she is jealous that she is an adult, while your younger daughter is a child. I can kind of understand that feeling, but it is what it is. You can't "neglect" the needs of a child who NEEDS you to parent her, in favour of the wishes of an adult who doesn't.

I am sort of sorry for your older daughter, because she has some anxiety maybe? But you can't put her needs first. With all your examples your adult daughter made choices that following your provision is best, whereas your younger daughter had to be with you.

For example in covid when your younger daughter went back to school, there was no obligation for your older daughter to use you as childcare. Your younger child HAD to live with you, and HAD to go to school. Your older daughter, obviously decided that using you for childcare was her best option, but she COULD have looked after her kids herself or used different childcare.

You can't opt out of meeting the needs of your CHILD, just because an ADULT wants you to meet their needs instead!

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 30/10/2024 22:52

Don’t let her jerk your chain, OP.

username7891 · 30/10/2024 22:58

It doesn't matter how old you are, you always need your mum. I think she just wants you to listen her and acknowledge how she feels. Perhaps stuff is being dredged up in therapy that has given her a different perspective.

She obviously wants a closer relationship. Perhaps an open conversation is in order where you both listen to each other and try to clear the air.

DoreenonTill8 · 30/10/2024 23:02

username7891 · 30/10/2024 22:58

It doesn't matter how old you are, you always need your mum. I think she just wants you to listen her and acknowledge how she feels. Perhaps stuff is being dredged up in therapy that has given her a different perspective.

She obviously wants a closer relationship. Perhaps an open conversation is in order where you both listen to each other and try to clear the air.

This, you sound awfully dismissive and deriding of her.
Were you a really young mum to her?it seems like you are offering younger children a different childhood than you offered her, and seem.a bit pissed off she still wants a mother figure?

kiwiane · 30/10/2024 23:05

You’ve got to stop trying to appease her - she’s an adult too and has money for therapy. She gets to make her own choices about the way she lives and so do you.
I feel she’s jealous and controlling - I wouldn’t want to spend much time in her company but it’s a shame your grandchildren then miss out as I imagine it’s good for them to be around you.
Say you’re not listening to her complaints any more - draw some boundaries.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 30/10/2024 23:07

How often do you see her?

IAmAFirestarter · 30/10/2024 23:08

The thing that stands out for me is the sense that you are dismissive and a bit judgy about your daughter. The way you talk about her doesn't shine with motherly love or pride. Maybe she picks up on that and it hurts? Did you do one-on-one holidays with your older daughter like the one you did with your younger daughter?

MSLRT · 30/10/2024 23:22

AgainandagainandagainSS · 30/10/2024 22:08

The not wanting her sister to go back to school gives me the absolute ick. She sounds rather indulged (not by you). Oh and if she wants to build her health up, try eating some real food.

But I can see how you having a ‘second family’ must have thrown her.

Edited

She had breast cancer and was worried for her health. I think that’s a reasonable thing and certainly not ‘indulged’.

DoreenonTill8 · 30/10/2024 23:25

MSLRT · 30/10/2024 23:22

She had breast cancer and was worried for her health. I think that’s a reasonable thing and certainly not ‘indulged’.

Show quote history

Absolutely, ops post reek of annoyance and dislike for her older dd.
Like it was an inconvenience for her to have cancer as it impacted her proper family.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 30/10/2024 23:28

Could the divorce be the real root of her feelings of betrayal and hurt? Children appear fine during a divorce but internally they are extremely traumatised and angry.

MSLRT · 30/10/2024 23:28

You sound very judgemental about your daughter’s lifestyle and it seems that your second family takes priority over your first. It must have been frightening for your daughter to have breast cancer during the pandemic. Especially with young children. But here are you feeling ‘triggered’ by her messy house. I can understand why she feels let down.

liverpudcounsel · 30/10/2024 23:34

I would spend time with her OP, what’s one day a month really? She’s your daughter, get past the irrelevant mess and spend time with her. Call her to check in too. Life is too short to have these sorts of grumbling with your children.

9ToGoal · 30/10/2024 23:45

@stichguru How was OPs daughter going to look after her kids if she died from the breast cancer she was fighting? The younger daughter didn't need to go back to school, online schooling continued for many with vulnerable families.

@EverythingisRosie Your 20 year old is also an adult. You're still prioritising him. You prioritised an 11 year old's social life over your other daughter's actual life. She has a point.

starbat · 30/10/2024 23:56

Eldest DD needs to grow up. Also needs to realise world doesn't revolve around her. She's being unreasonable. Agree to disagree and don't get drawn into trying to appease her if she huffs. She's making it clear she wants to be your number one priority always and she's also making it clear she won't accept anything less.

When she had breast cancer you did the right thing helping where you could but ultimately prioritising your dependent children's needs over hers. It would have been wrong to prioritize her over them unless perhaps she was dying. They were dependents, she was an adult.

The holidays example was ridiculous. It wasn't a full family holiday that she was excluded from. It was a trip for you and one child, for a specific purpose and she wouldn't have enjoyed it anyway! To be jealous of that, eldest DD must surely be feeling insecure. Why else be jealous of an activity you don't want to do in accommodation you'd hate?

The advice I'd not worry about, she's probably just trying to help. If she's getting cross with you for not acting on this unsolicited advice, that's out of order. You don't have to do what she says. If you're moaning to her about your health issues though, I'd stop. The advice could be a sign that she's trying to fix the problems so she doesn't have to keep hearing all about them.