Narssistic adult son wwyd?

[Lemondrizzle70]

Background adult son mid 30s lives currently with new girlfriend. All familiar pattern arising. He bullied her verbally, threatens to finish m, says they aren’t working out. It’s same pattern with every gf. Starts off wining dining them then this starts. Most relationships last 1-2 years before moving on. He drinks possibly drugs as well. Goes on drink sessions then rough for days. Likes to be with similar crowd. He’s angry then depressed especially after a session. He’s never in wrong then says he’s depressed when relationship fails he’s upset saying he’s on his own it never works out for him. Yet when he has it all can’t hold onto it.
im constantly worrying about him, checking up I’ve contacted mental heath helplines but get told he needs to refer or reach out for help.
im drained don’t sleep well because of it all and it consumes my life

sorry for long thread, anyone had similar or advice if they have come out other side?
husband thinks this is his he’ll always be. Makes me sad and think where did I go wrong 😢

That sounds very sad for you but I'm not sure you can do anything other than try to come to terms with the fact that your son is not a good person. As parents, we do our best but there are limits. Limits here include your son's age and his resistance to change. The most helpful you can be to him is to keep your boundaries around his behaviour towards you, and to be clear with him that you see his behaviour towards his partners as unacceptable. The rest is up to him.

Also, there is absolutely nothing to be gained from trying to work out "where you went wrong". Firstly, you cannot change the past, and secondly, you're holding yourself responsible for the behaviour of a grown man. That is ridiculous. Even if you had been an awful, abusive or overly indulgent parent, he holds responsibility for his behaviour. Handwringing is so overdone. Focus on what you can control, and try to at least enjoy your own life.

My adult dc is similar.. Haven't seen him since he assaulted his small db Christmas 2019....he lied he had cancer, turned up off his face Christmas morning.. Ruined Xmas.. Ruined dd's birthday... Yes I still worry about him but he really isn't my immediate concern now. Have boxed him away and got on with my life...

Sorry to hear this. I can’t shake off the responsibility and even feel ashamed of him. He can be so charming etc but then alter ego comes out. His siblings don’t bother with him cos of behaviour. I worry he will lose job and house and I couldn’t have him home which I know sounds awful. I truly wish I could get on with my life but it consumes me.

OP you present this as your son's problem but it's yours. Your challenge is to come to terms with the disappointment that he is to you. No-one imagines you can just let it go, but you could try to make a start? Look for some self-help books on family dynamics, boundaries, that sort of thing. Because holding onto your angst clearly isn't working for you.

Sounds like an addiction - which is usually to cover something up - could he be ND or have a MH issue which he is self medicating and therefore exacerbating?

Could he have experienced trauma in childhood that you dont know about? Or an attachment dysfunction. Might explain his behaviour but it doesnt excuse it.

Or is he just a wrong 'un?

What is your take on it - and how long do you think ithas been an issue?

With most people they have to do a couple of things to get back on the straight and narrow - ditch the addiction, get therapy, embrace a healthy lifestyle.

You cant do any of it for them. Detach in your head. Use your headspace and finite emotional energy and time for yourself, your DH and your younger children. Seems like DS has taken up a disproportionate amount already.

I am glad the women are moving on........but he will likely target a more vulnerable woman next and given his age start a family that will break down in chaos. Brace yourself for that. Get yourself distanced, boundaried and emotionally protected.

Thanks for reply. It’s always a rollercoaster with his emotions. Presently we are on a good road but can change with the day or next day. That’s how unpredictable. I definitely think as you said addiction issues and everything he does is to extreme gambling women drinking etc. nothing is normal or even keel. When nice he is so lovely and would give a person his last pound. I constantly live on egg shells waiting for next drama 😩. Current gf been here a while but in her own admission he’s not easy . When I look back at childhood there was some things always someone else fault, someone picking on him either teacher or friend. Obviously I could see it at the time but do now upon reflection. I think the behaviours have steadily increased over the years and use of drink possibly drugs is self medicating. I’ve discussed that these are depressants so will not help. After a session he’ll lie in bed hating himself and feeling awful cos of how much he’s overdone it. Until the cycle comes around again

It looks like he has an external locus of control - where all his high emotions are driven by outside stimulants and all the low emotions and poor consequences are also 'external' someone elses fault. Is he impulsive and compulsive? All you can do is calmly say what your see (that he is living an unnecessary miserable life), point him in the direction of a MH / ND assessment and addiction counselling ..... have very clear boundaries and step well back.

He might have to lose a lot more - friends, family, career, house before he hits his rock bottom - counter-intuitively the biggest impact you will have on him reaching that sooner is withdrawing Al Anon - teach you to 'Detach with love".

I know sadly I have done all this and this is why our relationship is fraught at times because he doesn’t like what I say. He is aware support out there which I’ve found and passed onto him. Yes is he compulsive and obsessional. Only happy when drinking then this can turn nasty well mainly always does and got him into many fights and awful situations. It’s very sad when you know support out there and he won’t take it. I am familiar with this as part of my professional role as well so he says I’m not one of your patients 😢

So be confident in yourself that you have passed on info - said what you observe .... it doesnt need repeating and he doesnt need to acknowlege, take it on or action it.

The work is with you - tending to your relentless pain and helplessness with self compassion and by pivoting your focus away to more healthy and fulfilling relationships. Hes a car crash - you dont have to watch, your dont have to be in the car. He is consciously driving it. Have really tight boundaries - only see him at times he wont be high or hung over, walk out calmly if he is offensive etc.

Put the focus on you and the other parts of your life.

Accept and adapt.

He is mid 30s so needs to take responsibility for his own life. He needs counselling and poss more to understand what's driving him to be self destructive, but he needs to co e to that conclusion himself. It sounds as like he's not too dar from that.

Shocked at some of the comments on here, using words such as 'wrong un' , 'not a good person' etc. This is why our young people, especially our young men are more likely to unalive themselves between the ages of 25 - 44. I am a mama to my adult son with mental health challenges, and will be for the rest of my life, and as long as there is a breath in my body, i will always try to do right by him. @Lemondrizzle70 please do not stop trying for your son. Though now a man, will always be your boy. We have to stay strong. Best of luck 🙂

What are you referring to? Straighforward MH issues? Addiction? Abusive and anti-social behaviours?

The experts on addiction would direct you to 'detach with love' - otherwise you are likely to be inadvertently enabling their addiction.

I see that the OP has done all she can. She needs to refocus her mindset on the rest of her life as worrying about him will achieve nothing except diminish the relationships with her other children - as this is becoming all consuming.

The OP outlined these behaviours - an underlying MH/addiction may explain them - but they NEVER excuse them - they are abusive and anti-social:

He bullied her verbally, threatens to finish m, says they aren’t working out. It’s same pattern with every gf.

He drinks possibly drugs as well. Goes on drink sessions then rough for days.

He’s angry then depressed especially after a session.

everything he does is to extreme gambling women drinking etc. nothing is normal or even keel.

Yes is he compulsive and obsessional.

Only happy when drinking then this can turn nasty well mainly always does and got him into many fights and awful situations.

This is really helpful information. In some cases, continuing to support someone because it makes you feel better as a parent isn't what is going to best help the situation. Giving clear consistent messages with love, but not continuing to help drive the car.

Why anyone would write him off as just “not a good person,” I don’t know. That’s never the case. Sounds like he’s struggling with something. Could he maybe be ASD or neurodivergent? Sometimes the world is very stimulating and people look to drugs/drink as an escape. Even normal people do that. He really needs to break the drug habit though as it can spiral.