Firstly a bit of background. DH and I together for 2 years, married for one. DH has adult son, Dave aged 27. (Not real names) adult son has 1st class degree from a good university in Maths and works in a local company doing admin work. Mum died 6 years ago (DH’s wife). Dave has always lived at home - Mum was ill during his A levels he went to local uni etc.
Knew DH a year after his wife died but we got together 3 years later, dated and then married. DH had paid off his house and gifted it to son and then we sold mine and brought together. I have 2 children, one 18 (off to uni next year) and one aged 11. All 3 children are ASD. All, with different traits. DC2 is off to do uni in 2025 (currently on year out).
Dave and I have a good relationship and he was very keen for our relationship (mine and DH) etc and has appreciated the house being gifted to him. He does need to cover bills etc he has no care or support other than us. I have no family other than my DC.
Dave has no social life. None and no hobbies or interests at all. He won’t date and hasn’t and says ‘I don’t see what I would get out of a relationship’ etc
Dave comes over at least x2 a week and one day at weekend, but he is like an Eeyore character. It is bloody hard to get a word in, he literally talks at you (his ASD) all about Sharon put this number in the wrong column and goes on and one for hours etc and it’s getting worse. The last time he came over it was 2 hours of the same story to myself then, DH and then eldest DC(mine). Changing the subject does not work. Saying enough (I’m the only one who does this - does work for a while) he will stop until he goes back and carries on the story to someone else. DH also tries. My two DC have their own ASD traits (both diagnosed).
Dave has no interests and arrives at 6 talks for 2-3 hours and then goes. I do not cook for him, DH does and then washes up - Dave will wash up but needs to be asked. He will need to be asked every time.
On days when Dave doesn’t come over he phones his Dad for a minimum of one hour to off load about his day. DH says he has always been like this when they lived together. But now he knows he has to address it, since my husband moved out it has become more obvious to him. Dave will not see a GP or go to counselling. He is 27. He lives 30 minutes away and DH goes over every Saturday night and Dave will not cook - DH does it all. The house is usually a tip and then DH will make a list and Dave will tick off items.
Over 2 years DH has moved all bills into Dave’s name (he is on 30K) but Dave will never ever pay or buy a drink or anything - separate issue. He is obsessed with numbers, cost and etc . He won’t and if asked to he says no. This weekend after many chats and DH insisting we were not doing Sunday lunch again, Dave- he invited us to Sunday lunch - we arrived to find Dave had booked a pub lunch. DH made it clear Dave had invited us and he would be paying, and when the bill came Dave looks very agitated and passed it to DH. Dave tics and can’t cope when stressed and started to tic and walked around to calm down so Harry just paid. Dave also has Tourette’s. DH was upset. Every single time we go out or do anything family related Dave expects to be paid for- fine when he was 21 and in uni - not now. DH has explicitly told him this needs to change.
DH and I don’t know where to go, we love Dave but he is impacting on our mental health and time - we do not know how much is his Autism and how much could be depression or anxiety. GP is out of the question.
Dave lives alone but DH goes to his house once a week and actually writes a list of stuff Dave needs to do etc clean sink as otherwise it is a flipping tip.
He has no friends. But has been in the same job for 4 years (which is good) but no friends there and none through uni. We have asked him but he says me and DH are his friends. Both DH and I worry about it and we want to help Dave.
After a huge chat today, we are planning on meeting with Dave and trying to unpick some of it. But I think DH is worried that this is never ending. Dave drives and holds down a full time job.
I have a stressful job and two hours twice a week of huge negatively is having an impact on me and I normally say ‘Dave that’s enough stop now let’s play a game eg uno’ he can get upset and aggressive (aggressive probably the wrong word) as he will then tic and get agitated but some nights I can see everyone else just can’t cope.
Any strategies for helping an ASD (I get they are anll different) adult child ?
Any successes?
Any thing we can do to help support him or do we need thicker boundaries?
Any tips for help?
we do not want to force him to be different