Help with being hands off - advice, books, anything!

[Pleasestopthebunfight]

Hello!

I am struggling with being the parent of an adult DD.

She is not the problem - I am!

She’s at Uni, 4th year, very tough course. Used to be home a lot to see boyfriend, now since they split last Xmas she’s not here as much.

Has a new boyfriend but I don’t know much about their relationship as she’s quite guarded about it - her right of course.

Im struggling with being more hands off. I know certain questions annoy her and I resolve not to ask them, then on the phone can’t help myself. Maybe I just need
more self control.

I feel like I put myself before her by asking things I know she doesn’t want to talk about, but I over think and worry if I don’t ask so I put my needs before hers and ask - which sometimes helps as I get information which puts my mind at rest but also makes me feel so bad as I hear her tone change and know she’s peeved.

I guess I just need more distractions maybe? I need to let her be, and not feel this desire to know everything.

I don’t think I’m explaining this very well but if anyone can relate and help that would be lovely.

I am quite down in general at the moment and seem to have developed anxiety and over thinking. I am organising some CBT which I can access through my work which may help.

I feel like for the first time, I’m actually a bad Mum. I had not idea I’d find this stage so hard.

Oh I get it, OP.

DD is in her 2nd year at uni. And in a LTR with a boyfriend I don't think is good for her. Here's what I did last month.

Wrote her an email and ... sent it to myself! I promised her that I would back off with the questions and suggestions. I realised it was having a negative impact on our very close and fun relationship and causing her a lot of stress because I've brought her up to be independent but I'm not letting her figure things out for herself.

I also promised I'd work on my own life so I'm not so invested in hers!

I've read it to myself frequently and it's paid dividends. When I message her I talk about what I've been doing rather than asking her all the time what she's up to. And she's actually asked my advice a couple of times, to which I've replied "well what do you think?" and listened whilst she's mulled it over.

The email might sound daft but it's worth a try.

I have just listened to the Mel Robbins podcast called "Let them" - it's been absolutely a penny dropping moment for me!!

She has a book coming out on the same subject soon but the podcast absolutely floored me and I've really overhauled a lot of my reactions to my kids, family, colleagues etc.

I feel so much more free and less anxious now I'm not trying to know everything (which really is a precursor to trying to control things). And I think my kids are feeling better for it too and actually discussing more things with me because I'm not trying to zoom off and advise and control whatever situation they're in.

I totally get it too OP. Sorting out some CBT sounds really positive so well done for sorting that out.

And thanks @Xiaoxiong for the suggestion. I'm going to listen to that on my commute tomorrow

I think you sound very self aware and that is always the first step. Dd is a very private person - she really does not want me to know anything about her relationships, I respect that - but occasionally I have asked her for information she doesn't want to give, not to be nosy - just generally being interested in her life and she's got snarky and I have been upset by her response so I asked her if she could change her response and just say in a neutral kind tone that she's not comfortable sharing that info - then I wouldn't feel attacked and I would immediately drop it - it has helped if I stray into a sensitive area. Also helped when she understood I was not trying to control her - it took a bit of practice and a few reminders but she knows now that I am not judging and not controlling - just showing interest.

I'm just about to buy this on Audible:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Doing-Life-Your-Adult-Children

also very tempted by this one:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Parenting-Young-Adult-Years-Relationships/

Like you, I'm finding this stage tough and I KNOW I'm not handling it was well as I could. My current problem is different from yours but I'm hoping this can help me level up my parenting in general and help me get on with my own life in a healthier way.

Thank you so much for your reply. I love this idea and I'm going to do it and really try to stick to it. I'm so glad it's helped you.

I need to remember how awful I feel when I over step. I feel like I've let myself down.

I really relate to you saying that your behaviour was having a negative impact on your relationship. This is what scares me the most. Our relationship should be my priority, and I feel like I'm sabotaging it with my own actions - which I struggle to stop! I can't risk our relationship, so when I feel I might start this behaviour again, I will remind myself of what is at stake.

I definitely need to work on my life and not live vicariously through her. I'm glad you mentioned this.

I'll try and have more news for her so perhaps the conversation will be more natural and she can choose what to tell me.

Thanks so much for replying. How I feel seems to similar to you, it's great to know that your strategies are working.

@Xiaoxiong thank you so much! I've listened to the podcast and it's fabulous. I'm going to listed again tomorrow. It makes so much sense. I see so many more on audible by Mel Robbins too, which sound really interesting. Quietening the mind etc, so I will listed to many I'm sure. Thank you!

@Linglong thank you - I do think I'm self aware, thankfully. I realise what I'm doing and I've accepted I need to stop.

That sounds a great strategy with your DD and I'm glad it's helped. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship where you could both be honest about your feelings which is great. Hopefully I can get there too.

@CocoonCollective those books both look really good - thank you. I'm going to take a look and choose one. I really am motivated to find a way to stop my behaviour and be a better parent.

I hope the books help you too.

Hi
You sound like a lovely parent who is interested in your daughter's life and well-being.
I feel like this with my 23 year old son. He doesn't share a lot about his personal life , or anything really.
I tend to store/up questions, overthink them, and ask them all at themost inappropriate times.
Because there never seems to be a good time. He gives one-word replies and then says "are we done now?"
It fuels my insecurities and just seems to make me worse.
I'm
trying to work on myself, but I sometimes get upset and explain to him how these interactions make me feel. Awful!
He then says he's sorry, but he'll tell me when there's something to tell me!
Hope it helps to know you're not the only one!!

@Lizzbear thank you for posting. It makes me feel better that this seems to be more common than I thought and I’m sorry you are in the same boat!

I know what you mean about storing questions and over thinking them. I often find when I ask the questions I shouldn’t, I don’t actually feel any better as I second guess the answers and also kick myself for having asked them in the first place!

I’m also trying to work on myself but feeling quite sad about it all at the moment.

It’s tough isn’t it!

Pleasetopthebunfight
Sorry you're feeling sad about it all. I know how you feel.
If you want to message me. Please do. I need all the solidarity I can get
Liz

feel like I put myself before her by asking things I know she doesn’t want to talk about, but I over think and worry if I don’t ask so I put my needs before hers and ask

I'm the pp who wrote herself an email! And I just wanted to give you some hope, OP.

DD came home for reading week and I found she volunteered quite a bit of information precisely because I didn't interrogate her. And I am managing not to give my opinion on every topic!

It's not like when they're in primary school and love to share every last detail of their lives. They're entitled to some privacy now and to chose what they share with us.

I like that you recognise that your worrying means you put your needs before hers.

Also, what you said about living vicariously through your daughter (guilty of that myself!) What are you doing to make your life more fulfilling?

I find the best way is to keep busy myself. Have my own hobbies, meet friends , read, walk , volunteer ..anything l enjoy. They are then chasing me instead of the other way around. When they call we chat about my stuff and they are always interested in that. Will send me book suggestions and stuff about sport that l am interested in. I don't ask about dates etc but they sometimes spill it all especially when things are not going well. They know l'm here. Day or night.
My two ds tell me more than my dd. I think it's a mother/ dd thing. Also college was the time they held off the most as needed their own independence and lots of friends and activities. Since they started work they seem happy they are independent now and are glad to have home to come to some weekends for chat and food. So it may not always be like this.