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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Adult son is challenging.

22 replies

Mummafee · 27/10/2024 07:24

Hi there,

My son got into a relationship about a year ago and he has changed so much. He is 19 and he has now moved in with her and her family, after another row.

He has been very hurtful to me and husband and has no interest in his younger siblings. It breaks my heart but he has become selfish and lazy and had done some pretty manipulative and unkind things. He is telling lies to everyone and this is concerning. He though doesn't see he's doing anything wrong and blames me for everything.

I don't understand as he's always been good really and we've had a good relationship.
He is not speaking to me right now and he really doesn't seem to care about anyone but the girlfriend and her mother.

I'm heartbroken and can't get my head around it really. It's like they have him under a spell. I just want my sweet, funny boy back.

Anyway I was just looking for some support, maybe some reassurance that it changes or what I can do to get through this and support my younger children too.

Thank you

OP posts:

Quitelikeit · 27/10/2024 07:26

Support your younger children with what?

Tbh I would just let this situation slide as your son is trying to find his way in the world it’s not a huge crime that he has stopped talking to you - I’m sure it’ll blow over

You haven’t said what the fall out was about?

Original poster

Mummafee · 27/10/2024 07:28

Support my younger children with the fact their brother has walked out and hasn’t made any contact with them. They miss him.

OP posts:

bluejelly · 27/10/2024 07:33

I understand it is a difficult transition for you but actually it is a positive that he is building a life outside his family, he's growing up. I would keep the door open but let him be. If you keep a detached but positive approach I guarantee he will be back in time.
Your younger children may be hurt now but they will adjust, especially if they see you taking a relaxed approach.

Octavia64 · 27/10/2024 07:35

You've described him as selfish and lazy, but not what he has actually done.

It's pretty normal for teenage/early twenties young people to get very serious into their relationships. They're growing up and out from their birth family, and getting ready to build a life of their own - their own job, their own house, their own partner and for some their own family.

They want to spend time building their own life.

It's rare that they still want to spend a lot of time with their birth family.

I understand that you would find this upsetting, especially if there have been rows and it's been fraught prior to him moving out. His siblings are unlikely to suffer from heartbreak though - if they are anything like my kids they'll be angling for his room already!

Original poster

Mummafee · 27/10/2024 07:35

The fall out is basically a build up over the last year of his inability to contribute to household chores, staying in bed til lunch time, keeping me awake until early hours playing on his computer, not allowing parties in the house or vaping in the house.. that kinda thing.
all very normal really… but he doesn’t have to abide by this at his girlfriends as they can vape in the house and do as they please…

OP posts:

Quitelikeit · 27/10/2024 07:36

But why do they even know he’s walked out?

Wouldn’t you say ‘oh Mike has gone to Amy’s for a few weeks, he might pop in not sure when’

I don’t see why they are involved at all

Quitelikeit · 27/10/2024 07:38

He is 19 though - you can’t expect to have the same control over him as you did was he was U16

You probably both need a break from each other

Is there an angry step father in the background too?

Autumn38 · 27/10/2024 07:38

Oh OP I feel for you. He sounds quite young for his age - teenagers can definitely go through a phase where their family is embarrassing/annoying to them and their friends/gf/bf’s family seems so much cooler/more fun etc

its a normal developmental stage but it sounds like he is going through it a bit later than most which in some ways is tricky as he has more autonomy and you therefore have even less contact whilst you wait for him to get through it.

I wonder if you can make allies of his gf and her mother? Reach out to gf and occasionally ask how she is. Pay her compliments when you see her. Could you ask them out for a meal and pay for it?

id also think about praising her to the hill tops when you do speak to your son. Try not to make a ‘them and us’ situation, basically.

I think you’ve just got to maybe seem really accepting of the new situation and really pleased for him. Try not to put pressure on him. Now he’s not living with you, you can be fun mum basically.

with his younger siblings I’d just try to keep it simple- he is off exploring at the moment but he’ll come back when he has been off and gained some feeling of independence.

Quitelikeit · 27/10/2024 07:39

So he has never worked and isn’t in education?

Tinatess · 27/10/2024 07:41

Hang on in and hopefully it will blow over . Mine is the same and it can be extremely hurtful . They are finding their way and will come out of the other side. Enjoy the peace and quiet .

ssd · 27/10/2024 07:42

Let him be

It sounds like you could all do with some breathing space

FrenchandSaunders · 27/10/2024 07:42

I’d make the most of him not being there OP. Less aggro. Just tell his siblings he’s moved in with his GF. He’s 19.

Does he work?

ByMerryKoala · 27/10/2024 07:43

How can he stay in bed most the day and game all night, doesn't he have anything to do?

Willow12345 · 27/10/2024 07:50

I really feel for you OP. I'd be upset if my DS broke contact and moved out. And of course you want to support his siblings - they must miss him as much as you do.
I think an earlier post was correct and you need to be friendly and not disapproving of his choices (which will be hard..) but you don't want to push him away any more.
And make sure he knows you'll be there for him if the relationship doesn't work out.
Good luck x

Saveitnotforme · 27/10/2024 07:51

I empathise with this. My DS dated a girl from 17-19 who changed his personality totally and it broke my heart. Her family totally subsumed him and it seemed he much preferred them to us. When she dumped him he was bereft for a week until he found out she had moved on rather quickly.

He more or less went back to his old self straight away. The joy in realising the old him was still there was immense. Two years on he’s still single, and very happy. He’s been very lucky that his friends have forgiven his lack of contact, and he’s got an incredible
social life that was totally missing when he was with her. He’s still making up for lost time!

I would love him to have a relationship in time, and think he’s learned many valuable lessons from the first one in terms of how he behaves.

But in the thick of when it’s on you have to wait for it to hopefully pass.

Oneearringlost · 27/10/2024 07:57

I wonder whether it might be helpful to completely back track, seeing as you want him back in your lives?
So, maybe, an talk along the lines of:

" Mike, I'm sorry we've got to this point.
I accept that, I perhaps have not handled this whole situation in a way that makes us happy.
Can we start again?
Would you and GF like to come over for a meal, or meal out, and we can start to build bridges, I understand that you're wanting to branch out and live more independently, and I may have not accepted that fully. We love you and want you to know that hurt and unkind things, said in the heat of the moment, can be repaired and healed.
All of us are learning.
Message or phone me so we can get over, what is only a bump in the road."

You may have to take a deep breath to do this, but it could be worth it in the long run?
Sometimes, when there is an 'impasse', it needs one person to stretch out with an olive branch?

commonsense61 · 27/10/2024 08:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Octavia64 · 27/10/2024 08:30

You don't say whether he is in education or has a job.

My teens slept until lunchtime (at weekends), gamed until late at night (most nights) and were very reluctant to do household chores.

That's very normal teenage behaviour. They did well and both have degrees.

Sounds like your son is ready to move out and wants a more "adult" lifestyle where he can have parties. Mine got that at uni and quickly got bored of it but it's stage many want to go through (before realising g they don't want it after all)

Slothfully · 27/10/2024 08:48

I can't believe some of the replies!

It's perfectly understandable that OP is upset because her son has moved out and is not in contact with his family.

OP - given what an arse your son has been for the last 12 months, maybe you should give him some space until the novelty of his new life has worn off. Send a message saying you love and miss him and look forward to meeting up when he's ready.

Then go and have fun with your younger children. Enjoy your peaceful home. And make it clear to them that their weekends won't be spent vaping, gaming and avoiding chores.

Best of luck.

Linglong · 27/10/2024 16:01

I'd say it's normal annoying behaviour - when ds was 19 I told him I didn't want to live with him again - he was at Uni and came home with such an arsey attitude - he's fine now at 21, he's thoughtful and respects the rules in my house - but that took a little while to sink into the adult child brain - my house, my rules - even if you are an adult - your home but if you want to live here, you need to follow them just as you did when you were younger - they feel an overblown sense of importance as an official adult, they think it means they can do anything - but let's face it - even they would agree 18 is an adult in name only.

Original poster

Mummafee · 27/10/2024 19:35

Thank you for all the responses today. I don’t really feel I want to go into specific details. I wasn’t really looking for judgement. I just wanted some reassurance or guidance really from others who may have gone through this with their adult children and how they navigated it.
I understand why living with his girlfriend and her mother is more appealing to him. It just really hurts and I am struggling with the fact our relationship has become so fraught. We have been a really close family previously and no one really understands why he is behaving like he is.
The girlfriend’s mother hasn’t replied to my attempt of contact. A lot of things in all of this just do not add up but as many of you remind me he is 19 so I have to let him get on with it. I just really really miss him. He’s still my son and I love him. He is behaving awfully but that doesn’t change the fact that I love him, I’m worried about him and I still wish he was home.

OP posts:

Slothfully · 27/10/2024 20:54

Of course you do, OP, and he will come home. I suspect the shine of living with his girlfriend's mum will wear off soon enough. And how rude of her not to reply to you.

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