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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Fed up with being the dragon mum

24 replies

Alwaysintheway · 24/10/2024 23:18

21 year old DS is still living with us as he can't seem to hold a job down and get on his feet money wise to move out.
I know he doesn't want to be here, that's fine but we have just a few rules and he keeps pushing the boundaries.
Girlfriend is here pretty much all the time, not ideal but no problem. All we ask is that week days she goes home at 10.30pm as we have work.
She wasn't here tonight, but at 10.40pm he brought her back here.
Again I have had to be the bad one and messaged a reminder it's past 10.30. I can't speak to him as he goes off the rails. Sometimes he brings here back when we are asleep at 2am, I see on the camera but I don't want to cause a sceen that time in the morning.
I know it's frustrating for him but we don't have any other rules.
I feel frustrated that I have to mention anything he's 21 ffs.
What rules do you have for your young adults

OP posts:
TheSmallAssassin · 24/10/2024 23:23

Why don't you want her there after 10:30? I'm happy to have partners stay over whenever (but they go to bed before us anyway, so it's no bother weekend or weekday!)

SeulementUneFois · 24/10/2024 23:29

You have to impose a consequence.
Bite the bullet and accept you'll have a big row when you do so, but have a clear consequence e.g. if she's over after 10:30 she then can't come over for a week.
You'll have a row about it but he won't do it again anymore.

Original poster
Alwaysintheway · 24/10/2024 23:33

@TheSmallAssassin Our house is small and they stay up until 2am and they are cooking and showering and basically in and out of the house numerous times it wakes us up. They both don't work. I did try it for a while but because of the above reasons had to put the 10.30 rule in

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaysintheway · 24/10/2024 23:41

@SeulementUneFois I know your right about the confrontation bit, I am not very good at it.
Its always me that has to mention anything.
DH has bad hearing so he says it doesn't bother him.
That's another reason I feel like a bad person and maybe it's me that's the problem.
I have thought about getting out of their way so they can live happily numerous times but my other son, whose has his own place, says its fine and no big deal to have the one rule.

OP posts:
TheABC · 24/10/2024 23:51

You are asking for basic consideration in your own house. I'd be pissed off at regular 2am cooking sessions if I had to get up for work the next morning.

He's living with you for a low (or free) cost. If he does not like it, he can always get a flatshare room, courtesy of universal benefits.

PolaroidPrincess · 25/10/2024 08:16

Where does she live? Do they cook and shower there in the early hours?

Is he up in the morning and actively looking for work?

Lentilweaver · 25/10/2024 08:21

As I have said on here before, I don't allow girlfriends or boyfriends in my house at all, mever mind after 10.30 pm. Also anyone in my house has to be studying or working.
Small house, we mostly WFH.
People have different boundaries but you shouldnt have to get out of their way.

Onelifeonly · 25/10/2024 09:10

I don't ever object to a boyfriend staying over but waking you at night is unacceptable. Different situation here but one of my adult dc sometimes wakes me at night by playing online games - they talk to other gamers. They can blow up at confrontation so I send text messages reminders. I get compliance and an apology then.

I'd be setting the boundary of no noise after 10.30, not no staying. To be honest, unless you change the locks and shut him out of the house (not recommended!!!), you can't actually stop him letting her come over later. So best to meet them halfway.

The not working though - I'd be on his case about that.

redwinechocolateandsnacks · 25/10/2024 14:48

To be honest I would address the job. He needs to get a job and keep the job. I think that is your real problem. If he was working and committed to work he wouldn't be up cooking at 2.00am. Change your focus.

Original poster
Alwaysintheway · 25/10/2024 18:01

Thank you for all the feedback. I will definately get on to him about a job, your right, they would not be up all hours making noise then, I'm sure.
They never go round her house because her mum won't have them there, she works too and their house is even smaller so no room to go to as such. They never stay over night at her house either.
It's the flouncing and aggressive behavior which gets me the most and the ungrateful attitude even though we help him out all the time with his car etc as he has no money.
I will pluck up the courage and find a way to talk about a job or ask DH to do it. It might be taken better if it comes from him.
Thank you all x

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 25/10/2024 18:14

They never go round her house because her mum won't have them there.

The key to parenting adult children, I sometimes think, is to have iron boundaries, or they will eat you alive.

On the job thing, I agree it's not easy to get a job these days, but he has to try harder. It seems odd that neither of them have jobs.

MounjaroUser · 25/10/2024 18:16

So they accept her mum saying that but don't accept you saying the same thing?

You and your husband need a united front on this one. I think it's time your son was told he will have to move out if he's so disrespectful.

Jein · 25/10/2024 18:19

It's totally fine to put your foot down about this. It's your house and you have to work! Any flouncing and grumpiness is very unreasonable.

itsmylife7 · 25/10/2024 18:20

So him and his girlfriend are taking the piss.

So disrespectful to be cooking, showering and in and out of the house ? Doing what I wonder?

You've obviously done far too much for him, helping with car ect.

I'd never have treated my parents like this because I respected them.

PolaroidPrincess · 26/10/2024 00:11

It's easy when it's not your DC bit I think I'd stop the financial help. If he can't afford to run his car then he needs to either sell it or get a job.

Why should you have to work to keep his car when he's not working?

I'd also ask for more support from your DH. It might not be waking him not it's waking you and that should affect you both. He needs to step up and, like a PP said, provoke a united front with you.

DS needs it pointing out that he needs a job, any job and quick as all financial help is stopping at the end of October.

Original poster
Alwaysintheway · 26/10/2024 16:17

Thanks everyone, I was beginning to think I was being unreasonable as like you said I have no support from DH.
I will have to have a long chat with DH for a plan of action but for it to work he has to do some talking and not just sit in silence like he normally does.
I will let you all know how it goes
I knew you lovely MN's wouldn't let me down. Xx

OP posts:
PolaroidPrincess · 27/10/2024 07:47

I hope your DH does step up and support you. Maybe you could show him this thread?

JayEffSee · 27/10/2024 07:54

Why are you helping him out with his car? He has no money because he doesn't work. What does he even need the car for then? He wants a car, he can get a job, end of.

Linglong · 27/10/2024 17:04

No to financial support - this was hard because we are well off andit felt mean but he needed to understand that we were not going to bank roll him - for his sake he needed to grown up and take responsibility for himself.
I made him sign on - he didn't want to but I said we'd feed him but that was it. He got a jobs a few weeks later.

Clean up after themselves - if they cook we clean up and vice versa.

Really no to noise after we've gone to bed, this is not up for debate, it's so basic they do not question it - it's a total lack of respect - dh works brutal hours, having his sleep disturbed is just so utterly unreasonable and we go to bed at 9:30 some nights - but they know. If they repeatedly broke this rule - we'd have to ask ds to move out and tell boyfriend not to come back. Dh never lays down the law but on his sleep there is no compromise - he simply couldn't function in his job.

Prefer boyfriend (who works) doesn't stay on a school night, if he does we expect ds and him to cook dinner for us all to compensate.

Generally like the boyfriend and get on well with him - we regularly socialise with them at the weekends.

This all sounds very amicable but it wasn't in June when ds came back from Uni - it was bloody awful but I stuck to my guns and eventually ds came around and he's a better person and we have a better relationship for it.

PolaroidPrincess · 27/10/2024 17:42

Well done for getting through it @Linglong. Sounds like it was tough at the beginning.

Lentilweaver · 27/10/2024 17:44

My DH also doesn't like conflict and was happy for things to just work themselves out.
But for the sake of my own sanity, I had to lay down some rules. It's hard to live with adult DCs. You can't have the same rules as when little.

HornyHornersPinkyWinky · 27/10/2024 17:55

OP you sounds very nice, but he's far too comfortable. He has no reason to get a job if he's living in a nice house, getting his food and car paid for, having his girlfriend stay over. Life is fun and easy for him. Plus, if you do ever bother him about this stuff, he throws a tantrum and you then shut up about it, problem solved.

You talk about aggressive behaviour - how does this manifest? Is your husband aware of this? You shouldn't have to deal with this in your own home.

I'm afraid your going to have to get tough and hold your nerve, and get your husband on side - otherwise who knows how long this will go on.

He can stay as long as he is respectful and gets a job, and follows the house rules - otherwise he can get out. It may seem harsh but he is taking the absolute piss.

Linglong · 27/10/2024 18:19

Lentilweaver · 27/10/2024 17:44

My DH also doesn't like conflict and was happy for things to just work themselves out.
But for the sake of my own sanity, I had to lay down some rules. It's hard to live with adult DCs. You can't have the same rules as when little.

I'm with you 100%along with the dh who doesn't like conflict 😂

Linglong · 27/10/2024 18:22

On the aggressive behaviour - I told ds I felt abused by him - and I did, he argued aggressively - I told him I would no longer engage with him when he was being aggressive but I would not give in. It was totally worth it - but it was uncomfortable at times

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