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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

how to handle this situation?

27 replies

PoliteViper · 16/10/2024 09:36

Hello. My son is now 20 years old and is still living with me, as he is studying. i am a single father who has to balance work with being there for him as well. i try to have a very generous approach to raise him. that means giving him a lot of freedom and not much boundaries, especially as he is now 20 years old and therefore definitely not a small child anymore. having said that, he can be very irresponsible, especially when it comes to health. This weekend he had an injury where i needed to take him to the hospital. turns out that he has torn the ligaments in his ankle. the doctor said that he would need to wear a cast for 2 weeks. but already yesterday i saw him without the cast. he just said that it is annoying him too much and it would not help anyway (!). i tried talking to him and convince him that it is not a good idea to take it off and that he has to listen to the doctors, as it may postpone recovery and may cause long term damage. but he just would not listen and do leave the cast off anyways... i am scared that he might cause himself some long term damage, so i am struggling to just keep watching. one part of me wants him to be independent with his decisions and experience adult life but the other part of me wants to step in and protect him from reckless descisions like these.

i have to say, that he has lost his mother/my wife some years ago. in the begining he could deal with it quite well giving the circumstances. he also would never do things like going against doctors advice like he is doing now.. so i am a bit unsure, if he acts like this because of the loss of his mother or if it is an age thing or if it is something else.. having that said, i really struggle to know how to approach this situation. should i just keep him letting do his own decission as he is an adult, or should i step in (firming up on him), to protect him from bad decisions?

i really tried to talk with him about it, but he does not care at all, i am not getting through to him...

how would you handle this? i am really greatful for your thoughts!

OP posts:
Pluckpluckyplucked · 16/10/2024 10:13

I think this may be an age thing. I have a 20 year old who has health problems and he doesn't always go with medical advice (his medical team give him advice, roll their eyes when he doesn't do it and then pick up the pieces). His consultant told me he sees it mostly in the 18-24 age bracket and then they settle down and realise that it's best for them. After talking to dc medical team I came to the conclusion if dc has the facts as an adult he's entitled to make an informed decision (doesn't mean that I agree). I usually say my piece once and then bite my tongue. It's hard seeing them not take the advice but they have to grow up /learn by their mistakes. Sometimes dc comes to the realisation that his medical team/me are right and sometimes he plows on doing what I consider risky behaviours (not cleaning his feeding tube correctly, missing medication, pushing routine bloods to past what drs think are acceptable).
I've taken the approach of leave that to his medical team as I need to keep good lines of communication open with him. It's a tight rope and I'd say parenting young adult children is the hardest stage so far, you have to watch from the sidelines.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 16/10/2024 10:18

When you say it's a cast, is it a removal boot? If so, when he has his next appointment, I would go with him and tell the dr he keeps taking it off so they give him a solid plaster cast.

Original poster
PoliteViper · 16/10/2024 10:27

Pluckpluckyplucked · 16/10/2024 10:13

I think this may be an age thing. I have a 20 year old who has health problems and he doesn't always go with medical advice (his medical team give him advice, roll their eyes when he doesn't do it and then pick up the pieces). His consultant told me he sees it mostly in the 18-24 age bracket and then they settle down and realise that it's best for them. After talking to dc medical team I came to the conclusion if dc has the facts as an adult he's entitled to make an informed decision (doesn't mean that I agree). I usually say my piece once and then bite my tongue. It's hard seeing them not take the advice but they have to grow up /learn by their mistakes. Sometimes dc comes to the realisation that his medical team/me are right and sometimes he plows on doing what I consider risky behaviours (not cleaning his feeding tube correctly, missing medication, pushing routine bloods to past what drs think are acceptable).
I've taken the approach of leave that to his medical team as I need to keep good lines of communication open with him. It's a tight rope and I'd say parenting young adult children is the hardest stage so far, you have to watch from the sidelines.

thank you. well that does sound horrible. but i know what you mean! thanks for your opinion!

OP posts:
Seeline · 16/10/2024 10:30

He's 20 - he knows everything

You can only advise OP. He is an adult. Tell him that you won't be driving him everywhere though when it hasn't healed properly, or he needs surgery etc.

Original poster
PoliteViper · 16/10/2024 10:30

Bigearringsbigsmile · 16/10/2024 10:18

When you say it's a cast, is it a removal boot? If so, when he has his next appointment, I would go with him and tell the dr he keeps taking it off so they give him a solid plaster cast.

yes it is a removal boot. you would really do that? that would mean terror for quite a while with him for sure. thing is, that he is supposed to do an appointment with his GP after we went to the hospital for first treatment, but he just does not do it either. so i guess you would take charge of that as well?

OP posts:
Abitfrazzledandfaded693 · 16/10/2024 11:32

Trust me op it's an age thing 😄

Rosiethewonderdog · 16/10/2024 11:40

Seeline · 16/10/2024 10:30

He's 20 - he knows everything

You can only advise OP. He is an adult. Tell him that you won't be driving him everywhere though when it hasn't healed properly, or he needs surgery etc.

There is no point in making threats you have no intention of following through - of course the op will drive him around and take him to the hospital if he needs surgery!

OP as long as your ds knows what he needs to do, understands the consequences to his health - tell him you will back off because he's an adult. Because
a) you have no choice - you can't force him to wear the boot
b) when you stop fussing - he might pick up the reins and be responsible for himself but with you being his conscience he has no need - watch out for the "it's all your fault" - they like to deflect rather than take responsibility.

FrauPaige · 16/10/2024 11:45

Definitely let him do as he pleases regarding this. The furthest I would go is a couple of gentle reminders highlighting the consequences of using the ankle before full recovery.

He is likely going to live with you for the next 5-10 years with the current level of house pricing so it will be good to establish a relationship where he is treated like an adult and where you can support and give advice when needed / requested to.

It's frustrating to watch them make mistakes that could easily be avoided but sometimes you have to experience something first hand in order to learn.

Original poster
PoliteViper · 16/10/2024 13:42

Rosiethewonderdog · 16/10/2024 11:40

There is no point in making threats you have no intention of following through - of course the op will drive him around and take him to the hospital if he needs surgery!

OP as long as your ds knows what he needs to do, understands the consequences to his health - tell him you will back off because he's an adult. Because
a) you have no choice - you can't force him to wear the boot
b) when you stop fussing - he might pick up the reins and be responsible for himself but with you being his conscience he has no need - watch out for the "it's all your fault" - they like to deflect rather than take responsibility.

Show quote history

well yes if it comes to that, of course i will drive him around. i am already doing so, so yes...

i am just not sure if he really gets what it means when he is neglecting medical advice like that. i mean i never was firm on him at all and let him do a lot. i just don't get why he is acting like that. he never was. is he testing me, or why? i just don't get it.
but of course, the "it's all your fault"... i get that that may come at some point, i mean there are small bits and pieces of that already, but that is normal, i know

OP posts:
Original poster
PoliteViper · 16/10/2024 13:45

FrauPaige · 16/10/2024 11:45

Definitely let him do as he pleases regarding this. The furthest I would go is a couple of gentle reminders highlighting the consequences of using the ankle before full recovery.

He is likely going to live with you for the next 5-10 years with the current level of house pricing so it will be good to establish a relationship where he is treated like an adult and where you can support and give advice when needed / requested to.

It's frustrating to watch them make mistakes that could easily be avoided but sometimes you have to experience something first hand in order to learn.

thank you for your opinion, and i agree, that he is most likely to stay for a while...

yes it is frustrating as hell, to see him demage himself further and doing stupid things like these... i just don't get why he is acting that why. he never was like that. like i mentioned on another comment, i don't know if he is just trying to test me or what, but it just does not seem to make any sense at all. he acts so strange.

OP posts:
Rosiethewonderdog · 16/10/2024 13:54

PoliteViper · 16/10/2024 13:42

well yes if it comes to that, of course i will drive him around. i am already doing so, so yes...

i am just not sure if he really gets what it means when he is neglecting medical advice like that. i mean i never was firm on him at all and let him do a lot. i just don't get why he is acting like that. he never was. is he testing me, or why? i just don't get it.
but of course, the "it's all your fault"... i get that that may come at some point, i mean there are small bits and pieces of that already, but that is normal, i know

Show quote history

Their needs change all the time and their hormones are still all over the place and brain development is not fully in place - their attitude to risk is completely different to ours - sometimes they feel like an alien species. They still need guidance but not delivered in the same way you would do to a younger child - and sometimes only when they ask for it - it's a tough job being a single parent having no one to talk through your frustrations - you hope it gets easier but it never seems to.

Original poster
PoliteViper · 16/10/2024 13:57

Rosiethewonderdog · 16/10/2024 13:54

Their needs change all the time and their hormones are still all over the place and brain development is not fully in place - their attitude to risk is completely different to ours - sometimes they feel like an alien species. They still need guidance but not delivered in the same way you would do to a younger child - and sometimes only when they ask for it - it's a tough job being a single parent having no one to talk through your frustrations - you hope it gets easier but it never seems to.

Show quote history

i guess that makes sense. it is really hard to understand and i thought i am through the hardest part but apperently not haha.. damn it. okay i will have to find the right balance then, i guess

OP posts:
YouOKHun · 16/10/2024 17:05

I agree with @Rosiethewonderdog about brain development and attitude to risk. It's a very delicate age and many struggle with all the changes of leaving school and the massive pressures on them from various different quarters. Just working out who you are and what is important to you is hard enough.

And hormones too, as already mentioned. My youngest is 20 and is an expert on the world. I am 57 and therefore know nothing, but anything I do know is obsolete!

Actually @PoliteViper I have found and am still finding the 18-25 age group one of the toughest parenting stages. Some youngsters are easier than others of course but many have all the adult freedoms but the lack of experience to see the disaster looming and an attitude to risk that I (at 57) can't recall having myself (but probably did). Sometimes I long for a simple tussle in the sweet aisle in the supermarket like it used to be rather than some of the terrifying and/or expensive decisions/mistakes I've dealt with while my children have been young adults.

I'm on my fourth go at young adult parenting and these days I've learned to say, 'you are making a mistake that you will have to live with and pay for' and then to leave them. I'm there but I don't offer advice until I'm asked. Often given the space they do think things through. It is hard though, to override the instinct to leap in and manage away problems or to lecture them until they see sense. We have to detach and sometimes that means letting them fall flat on their faces and that's the hardest parenting job of all.

Juja · 16/10/2024 20:57

@PoliteViper my DC was a most compliant and easy teenager then at 19 seemed to go through a tetchy adolescence including growing 5 inches - always knew best, we were wrong, we had done lots wrong, and he was a strong independent young man who didn't need us ...until he lost his phone / wallet / XXX / YYY - substitute as you like!

In the end went for some family counselling that was most helpful but it's been a tough ride.

I've found it the hardest stage of parenting. I know that doesn't help you but you are not alone and at 22 it's now much better. It is another phase of being a parent... for them all part of cutting the apron strings and becoming independent plus them realising parents aren't perfect.

Do try and be kind to yourself, you sound like a great dad. He knows you love him and sometimes the hardest bit is letting our DC make their own mistakes.

MumChp · 16/10/2024 20:59

He is 20.

Leave him to his own mistakes. Learning by doing.

Original poster
PoliteViper · 17/10/2024 12:40

YouOKHun · 16/10/2024 17:05

I agree with @Rosiethewonderdog about brain development and attitude to risk. It's a very delicate age and many struggle with all the changes of leaving school and the massive pressures on them from various different quarters. Just working out who you are and what is important to you is hard enough.

And hormones too, as already mentioned. My youngest is 20 and is an expert on the world. I am 57 and therefore know nothing, but anything I do know is obsolete!

Actually @PoliteViper I have found and am still finding the 18-25 age group one of the toughest parenting stages. Some youngsters are easier than others of course but many have all the adult freedoms but the lack of experience to see the disaster looming and an attitude to risk that I (at 57) can't recall having myself (but probably did). Sometimes I long for a simple tussle in the sweet aisle in the supermarket like it used to be rather than some of the terrifying and/or expensive decisions/mistakes I've dealt with while my children have been young adults.

I'm on my fourth go at young adult parenting and these days I've learned to say, 'you are making a mistake that you will have to live with and pay for' and then to leave them. I'm there but I don't offer advice until I'm asked. Often given the space they do think things through. It is hard though, to override the instinct to leap in and manage away problems or to lecture them until they see sense. We have to detach and sometimes that means letting them fall flat on their faces and that's the hardest parenting job of all.

well yes same here. he really thinks he knows everything better and no one would ever need to tell him anything again. can be quite a pain. it is just that i am super careful if there is something happening with him in terms of grief, that also adds to his different behaviour...

i understand what you mean, so it really is time to let him make his own mistakes, even though it is hard to watch... i mean i tell him that he is not doing a good thing and he is only harming himself and no one else, but it seems at this age there is not as much logical thinking as i would wish for his own good...

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 17/10/2024 12:44

As a parent who has just threatened to drive for 2 hours to where 19 year old DD is at Uni if she doesn't make a Doctors Appointment today you have my full sympathy!
Its hard because they are adults but still have the teen "lack of consequences" brain, all you can do is keep telling them and hope and pray they actually listen at some point

Original poster
PoliteViper · 17/10/2024 12:45

Juja · 16/10/2024 20:57

@PoliteViper my DC was a most compliant and easy teenager then at 19 seemed to go through a tetchy adolescence including growing 5 inches - always knew best, we were wrong, we had done lots wrong, and he was a strong independent young man who didn't need us ...until he lost his phone / wallet / XXX / YYY - substitute as you like!

In the end went for some family counselling that was most helpful but it's been a tough ride.

I've found it the hardest stage of parenting. I know that doesn't help you but you are not alone and at 22 it's now much better. It is another phase of being a parent... for them all part of cutting the apron strings and becoming independent plus them realising parents aren't perfect.

Do try and be kind to yourself, you sound like a great dad. He knows you love him and sometimes the hardest bit is letting our DC make their own mistakes.

Edited

haha yep i know that moments when he they need something. suddenly, they are not as independent as they think at all...

may i ask, what tips you did get from this counselling? no need to though! i am glad it helped in the end!

thank you a lot for your kind words! i really try my best to be there for him and balance it with work. it definitely is not easy and i hope that he does not have the feeling that i am not there enough for him. i just feel very responsible for his happiness and health after all that happened. but i get that i need to let him be the young adult he has become.

OP posts:
Original poster
PoliteViper · 17/10/2024 12:55

Hoppinggreen · 17/10/2024 12:44

As a parent who has just threatened to drive for 2 hours to where 19 year old DD is at Uni if she doesn't make a Doctors Appointment today you have my full sympathy!
Its hard because they are adults but still have the teen "lack of consequences" brain, all you can do is keep telling them and hope and pray they actually listen at some point

wow, i feel sorry for you as well! yep it is very hard to deal with this kind of combination! even though there are a lot of comments about letting them do their own mistakes, i tend to think that i still need to step in, make an appointement for him and go with him, so he actually goes there... he already started trying to walk on it and do other things as well, and i really could not forgive myself if he is getting some long term damage because of this now. but i also know that it is not the best approach... it keeps my mind busy for sure

OP posts:
Juja · 17/10/2024 22:36

PoliteViper · 17/10/2024 12:45

haha yep i know that moments when he they need something. suddenly, they are not as independent as they think at all...

may i ask, what tips you did get from this counselling? no need to though! i am glad it helped in the end!

thank you a lot for your kind words! i really try my best to be there for him and balance it with work. it definitely is not easy and i hope that he does not have the feeling that i am not there enough for him. i just feel very responsible for his happiness and health after all that happened. but i get that i need to let him be the young adult he has become.

Show quote history

Evening @PoliteViper

As to what we learnt through family counselling (me, DH, DC1 & DC2 with counsellor). Without going into too many details some points that may of interest..

  1. Our DC1 it turned out had been good at hiding some feelings when younger. He opened up more recently about some difficult times at school. Just because we are the "grown-ups" it doesn't mean we are psychic but they expected us to be and I found it hard to hear. We can't re-live those times but recognising and validating his feelings was important.
  2. Our DC1 at this stage (last year uni / post graduation) is looking for our emotional support but doesn't want us to provide solutions - finds that very irritating - I'm rightly criticised for having a spreadsheet for everything and too much micro-management. Still wants us there ...
  3. DC1 did listen and take on board that it was reasonable for us to be worried about serious matters given we are still supporting them and if things had gone badly with an issue at hand we would definitely have been much needed. (DC2 was helpful pointing that out - fortunately the outcomes was better than it could have been).

We've definitely come out as a stronger unit and remain close... I'd recommend facilitated conversations with a counsellor. And today DC1 started a job in his chosen field so that's great news...

I appreciate you've a different situation so not suggesting our experiences are comparable.

Sadsadworld · 17/10/2024 22:48

I feel your pain OP!

Definitely a normal (+very annoying) dementia developmental stage.
Have you tried coming at it from an empathetic viewpoint? Not wearing your boot again ..... It must be SO annoying to have to wear it, is it uncomfortable, is it really getting in the way? What a bummer. Still hopefully not too much longer and then it will be properly healed and you'll be back to normal ..

CrazyGoatLady · 17/10/2024 22:51

Bigearringsbigsmile · 16/10/2024 10:18

When you say it's a cast, is it a removal boot? If so, when he has his next appointment, I would go with him and tell the dr he keeps taking it off so they give him a solid plaster cast.

You do know OP's son is 20, right? Not 12?

Sadsadworld · 17/10/2024 22:56

Sadsadworld · 17/10/2024 22:48

I feel your pain OP!

Definitely a normal (+very annoying) dementia developmental stage.
Have you tried coming at it from an empathetic viewpoint? Not wearing your boot again ..... It must be SO annoying to have to wear it, is it uncomfortable, is it really getting in the way? What a bummer. Still hopefully not too much longer and then it will be properly healed and you'll be back to normal ..

Sorry, Dementia=typo

Original poster
PoliteViper · 18/10/2024 10:50

Juja · 17/10/2024 22:36

Evening @PoliteViper

As to what we learnt through family counselling (me, DH, DC1 & DC2 with counsellor). Without going into too many details some points that may of interest..

  1. Our DC1 it turned out had been good at hiding some feelings when younger. He opened up more recently about some difficult times at school. Just because we are the "grown-ups" it doesn't mean we are psychic but they expected us to be and I found it hard to hear. We can't re-live those times but recognising and validating his feelings was important.
  2. Our DC1 at this stage (last year uni / post graduation) is looking for our emotional support but doesn't want us to provide solutions - finds that very irritating - I'm rightly criticised for having a spreadsheet for everything and too much micro-management. Still wants us there ...
  3. DC1 did listen and take on board that it was reasonable for us to be worried about serious matters given we are still supporting them and if things had gone badly with an issue at hand we would definitely have been much needed. (DC2 was helpful pointing that out - fortunately the outcomes was better than it could have been).

We've definitely come out as a stronger unit and remain close... I'd recommend facilitated conversations with a counsellor. And today DC1 started a job in his chosen field so that's great news...

I appreciate you've a different situation so not suggesting our experiences are comparable.

Show quote history

thank you a lot for your insights! i really appreciate it!

i am really happy to hear that it helped that much and you could profit from it! it sounds like a very tough time for sure, though! so sorry for that! but that is amazing that DC1 got a job in the desired field! way to go!

OP posts:
Original poster
PoliteViper · 18/10/2024 10:54

Sadsadworld · 17/10/2024 22:48

I feel your pain OP!

Definitely a normal (+very annoying) dementia developmental stage.
Have you tried coming at it from an empathetic viewpoint? Not wearing your boot again ..... It must be SO annoying to have to wear it, is it uncomfortable, is it really getting in the way? What a bummer. Still hopefully not too much longer and then it will be properly healed and you'll be back to normal ..

yes i definitely tried that as well. especially in the beginning after my first shock faded. he just closed up on me.
but there has been some progress, which i will post in a stand alone comment, as an update for everyone that was willing to help with their opinion.

OP posts: