Could some define 'emotionally immature' in relation to parents?

[SoNiceToComeHomeTo]

Sorry, I meant could SOMEONE define... can't edit the title.

I keep hearing people in their twenties/thirties refer to their parents as 'emotionally immature'. Is there an accepted definition of that phrase?

I'd guess that it means a kind of toddlerish inability to manage the person's own feelings, plus a lack of respect for other people's points of view. It might result in tantrums if the person was denied something they wanted, or a habit of being needy and demanding of attention and approval. Is that it, or is it something else? Any thoughts of examples of emotional immaturity would be gratefully received.

Sulking of giving the silent treatment rather than talking things through. Never admitting they are in the wrong or apologising. Never considering that there is more than one way of doing things/ their way is not the only way that things can be done.

Relationships are two way. By 20s & 30s these people should have reformed a mature relationship with their parents. I'd suspect these families have missed out the important bit of teens being teens, leaving both sides a bit immature.

It’s not a phrase I’d ever use, or have heard used, and I’m considerably older than that, but I suppose it’s perfectly true that my parents are ‘emotionally immature’ aged 79 and 81.

By that I mean they have never learned to recognise their own emotional responses to things, or to take responsibility for managing them. I don’t blame them (and we have a cordial relationship) as it’s because they both come from deprived, dysfunctional backgrounds, but it was a very difficult way to grow up, with parents terrified of a world they found unmanageable and parentifying me, the eldest, way too young.

Being around them to this day is a strain, because they catastrophise everything, and then land me with the emotional burden of managing their emotions as well as my own, which means I’ve gone through things like a cancer diagnosis and very difficult times without telling them. Because I would have to jolly them along, at times when I didn’t have it in me.

Emotionally immature parents are ones who cannot manage their own emotions and so also are unable to meet the emotional needs of their children.

This is things like being very authoritative (they are always right); they can't understand nuance of communication (so think they are always being criticised); they either throw tantrums or give the silent treatment if things happen that they don't like; their responses lack empathy; they are unable to reflect on their own behaviour and see how it affects others; they won't ever apologise; they are absorbed in their own wants ahead of others.

Children of emotionally immature parents are likely to spend their time tiptoeing around trying to please others, think that everything is their fault and lack self esteem. They will also have skewed ideas of what a good relationship looks like so will either struggle to make close relationships or end up with people who treat them badly because that's what they are used to.

What about young adults in their 20s who are emotionally immature? Giving the silent treatment? Inclined to throw tantrums? There seem to be quite a lot of those!

I think it's a combination of emotional intelligence, self-awareness and good communication skills. Many people are lacking in one or more of those things.

Exactly the same - parentified at a young age, and went through cancer without telling my mother because I knew it would only be worse and she'd make it all about her own feelings...

In retrospect, my parents also seemed... jealous of us, as if we were siblings rather than their own kids... birthdays or exam success or praise from someone outside the family would be met with snark and bad moods from them - we never knew what we were doing wrong - but now, to me, it looks like a sort of twisted 'sibling rivalry', probably from them feeling their own needs hadn't been met yet.

There's a book you might be interested in @SoNiceToComeHomeTo

That’s interesting about ‘parental sibling rivalry’,@Compash — it had never occurred to me in that way, but my mother in particular had exactly the same response to praise of, good luck or achievement by her children.

I had always seen it in terms of her preference for surrounding herself with people who were ill, poor, or unfortunate in some way, because they needed her and it made her (entirely unconsciously) feel powerful and necessary, whereas the happy and successful have no need of her (which is definitely in itself about her unmet needs, as her upbringing was both grindingly poor and dysfunctional), but maybe you’re right and she sees us as siblings getting something she never had…?

Mine can't bear the sick or needy, @Nannerli , because they are clearly and naturally deserving of attention and sympathy, and she is jealous of them getting that... She gets angry at disabled kids going on holidays with carers - 'we're paying for that!'

I think it's an emotional lack, a narcissistic wound. Their childhood need for care, love and attention hasn't been met to their satisfaction, so they don't have enough in the bank to give - they're still stuck on 'receive' rather than 'transmit' to their own children.

Mine complains that her mother didn't care for her and would say horrible things about her looks and would 'nag and nag for days on end!' She clearly did have an inadequate upbringing. But she shows no self-reflection and does exactly the same.