Estranged

[Trishy1960]

Has anyone have children who are estranged from them, which would give me guidance

I am estranged from 2 of mine... It is difficult for people to understand unless they are sadly in the same position...

It is very hard, its been 8 years since my daughter and I had a relationship and 5 years for my son. Would like guidance on how others come to terms with this but really dont want this to be common knowledge

Find a good therapist and be really open and honest with them.

We're estranged from my sd. A year now, if she wants to be back in contact I will remain estranged and leave my husband to it.
Too much has been done to me to go back now. No idea how to really navigate it as I am comfortable with the situation and am not looking to reconnect.

We’re very LC with one of our children, almost estranged tbh. It was very hurtful to begin with but we’ve slowly come to realise we have put up with so much and sometimes you have to draw a line.

Been 5 years at Christmas for one and over 7 for another... As a family w have endured some horrors.. Have managed to box that and them away most of the time. I feel for you op.

I’m in this situation too. It’s heartbreaking but I feel powerless. The child concerned has decided that they’re much happier not speaking to their siblings and see as little as possible of us.

@Trishy1960 do you have any idea as to why it has come to estrangement? What exactly have they said. Was there ever a conversation before it happened?

We too have become estranged from our eldest son; I have no idea why - the last time I met with him was 2 years ago & a then few months later speaking with him for Christmas he told me he loved me. And then it stopped. No reasons as far as I know. No contact with either of his siblings despite them messaging/phoning etc
I'm fortunate that the Mum of his child is still in contact with me & I have visited with them to see our wee GC a number of times so news of him filters through. And he is well, & happy, & in a new job. No idea of his address (but neither does his ex partner know, he visits her/them to see their child)
One of my other adult children recently came across his profile on a social media platform I'm not very familiar with & he has changed his surname on that to the same as his young childs, & some of his comments etc are very political & challenging regarding global wars. Not my own views but I respect his choices & also do not think that this would be a reason for continued estrangement. We have always had healthy debate/discussions over things happening in the world & have previously agreed to disagree IYKWIM
In the meantime I hope that one day he will phone us & things will pick up again - initially I continued to message & email/phone him of our news etc but have left that now. I don't think the contact details I have are current for him & they appear to remain unread - & I was then on edge hoping to hear from him. I have to trust he knows where I am & one day he will be back.
Sadly his elderly G/Mother is unlikely to see him again despite their closeness when he was much younger & I feel very sad for her. But hes an adult & like the rest of us is able to make his own choices. Sad though.

I do know why we are estranged. She's instigated the estrangement although it was a relief for me when she did as she had been absolutely awful in the years before.
We kept trying and trying with her and her behaviour and eventually she pushed us over the edge and we drew some firm boundaries that she used to go contact.
It was a relief to me and a devastation to my husband

My heart goes out to you. 💐

Yeah my oldest doesn't speak to me. Some of it is entirely my fault. Some of it is things been put in his head.
I've tried everything to sort it and make up for past mistakes. To no avail

It breaks my heart.

I have also said and done things I regret, but so have they. Ive written numerous letters apologising and wanting to make amends, but to no avail. I am not allowed to see my grandchildren which the eldest lived with me and my daughter as she had her when she was young. I called at my sons to tell him his nana had died only to be told he hadnt lived there for 2 years as he had split from his wife, so I dont know where he is. Its so sad that this has happened and always blamed myself however I now know I am not alone and that there are others out there.

My DD was estranged from me for a little over 6 years. She was 22 at the beginning. She borrowed some money from me and from her Dad. We were divorced. Her Dad told her she could keep the money and didn't need to repay it. I told her she had to repay me a little each month and she went NC. She repaid the money but no longer spoke to me. It hurt a lot. I wrote to her telling her I loved her but borrowing means it will be repaid. I told her she was always welcome to come to visit or call me. She chose not to. Out of the blue 6 years later my exh contacted me and told me DD was engaged to be married and really wanted me to be at her wedding but was afraid to contact me to ask as she had not spoken to me for so long. I told exh I still wanted to see my DD again and would love to go to her wedding. About 3 weeks later I got a phone call from her. She has never told me why she stopped speaking to me and I have never asked. I met up with her at a train station and she looked very different. I went to her wedding. We now have a relationship and I see her, sil and 2 DGC a few times each year. Don't give up hope because at some point your DS may change his mind and realise he does want you back in his life again. The relationship I have with my DD is not the same as the relationship I have with my 2 DS's though. I am much closer to them. In the very back of my mind is the fear that maybe my DD will go NC again and I wouldn't be able to see my dgs's again.

Christmas emotions have probably got the better of me but if one of you were estranged from an adult child would you still send gifts & cards/letters to them for special days. Its just gone 2 years since I have spoken with him😢
This Christmas just gone I did send a number of cards & a small gift (cards were also sent from our son's grandmother) & these were sent to his child's home (our grandchild's Mum told me he would be there for Xmas, also that he has a new job, is settled & happy but too, she was happy to pass these gifts on).
Anyway, I havent had any acknowledgement of the gifts (theres no way of me knowing if he has used the voucher or eaten the chocolate haha) & so wonder if the next step in this acceptance of our estrangement is to cease contact from us also.
It does almost seem that I am on edge again hoping he will reply & checking social media accounts, but surely then if I do ignore him - which my heart is yelling out saying No to - won't that then confirm to him that this estrangement is the correct thing for him to be doing.
He has a birthday in January & I will phone him again - but wonder if my hopes will be dashed again - the last few calls I've made go straight to voice mail. How on earth do I "park this hurt" & carry on? Ideas most appreciated :)

There are one million details that determine how to cope with this. The most important being are they estranged on their own accord or rather they are under the spell of another person/ other people?
If they have been brainwashed by a cult for example it is worth fighting with all your strength to get them back.

@ByHardyAquaFox thank you - I believe they're estranged on their own decision. He is early-mid 40's now with a young school aged child. He has separated from his childs Mum but they remain very good friends & he visits often for access to their child. His sort of MIL (😊) has shared to me too that he is still very polite & as nice as he used to be - before the split. So am very confused as to what initiated all this.
But no cult thank goodness but at least that may have explained the total silence.

My DH did say once that for most of this adult child's life he has noted that when he was "put in his place" (trying hard to think of the saying I mean sorry) he was always very absolute in his response & would have nothing to do with them again. So, for example, if a friend of his told him off, or checked his behaviour/response to something he has often acted "very wronged" & would choose to then not see or speak to them again.
But I never thought it would be to his Mum (who absolutely has disciplined him & had stern words with him when he was younger), but as a man now, this is possibly his response to some perceived wrong.

We're virtually estranged from our youngest DD who lives with her abusive boyfriend. We try to be there for her as best we can but we struggle to pretend that any of her life is normal. She's not allowed to do anything that's unrelated to him, she is his complete slave and he treats her appallingly, she has no life at all, he goes nowhere. We love her so much and tell her all the time when we see her but she is a shell of her former self at just 18. We are beyond heartbroken.

Just to say that there is an 'Estrangement ' thread on Gransnet. May be helpful to some.

The problem is these days some young people are incredibly self centred, and look for narcissism and gas lighting in every interaction . Instead of being able to reflect on their behaviour, take accountability for their own actions and look at the bigger picture, it's just point the finger and shout 'gaslighting' or whatever. It doesn't help that the internet feeds this attitude. They can always find a group of aggrieved people who will back them up and they feel absolutely vindicated. Anyone who makes them uncomfortable or challenges them is just blocked and cut off.

OP, you don't say what the reason for estrangement is. This is a good article about parent estrangement due to trans identity:
The Story of Estrangement: Why the Parents of Trans Adults Stay Silent - Fairer Disputations
Like other types of estrangement it is deeply traumatic to the parent, but with estrangement resulting from trans identity there is also an element of ambiguous loss, which keeps the wounds raw for longer (often decades), and prevents healing.
I wish you strength.