How to avoid answering this question?

[Neverheather]

We adopted dd (23) as an older child. She'd had a terrible early life, neglected and abused and has constantly fought to overcome her bad start in life. She is honestly the best, most loving daughter you could ask for and is really close to me and dh but she is an extremely private person who lacks self confidence. She's just got her degree results and got a third. I'm so proud that, after many ups and downs, she's completed her degree but I know she's very disappointed in her grade. All my side of the family are pleased for her, they've only ever asked has she passed, not what grade she got. However, dh's dad has had a partner for about 8 years. She hardly knows dd, only met her on a handful of occasions and certainly isn't a "grandmother" figure to dd or her cousins, but she seems to have picked up on the fact dd has problems and seems to relish it. For the last few months she asks me has she had her degree results every time I see her (about twice a week when we visit FIL). I ended up telling her that dd had been given extra time to complete her degree due to mental health issues and thought she'd back off a bit, if anything it made her ask even more. She's recently taken great delight in telling me my nephew on dh's side has got a first and dh and I have both said how pleased we are for him (and genuinely are, we've told him directly, given him a cash treat to celebrate). This woman acts as if she's got something to be proud of about nephew's results but none of the grandkids see her as anything other than their grandads friend. They had a grandmother who they loved dearly. I've been under a lot of stress recently and I really don't know what to say when this woman asks me again about dd. I'm going to tell her that dd has passed her degree but I just know she'll ask exactly what grade she got. I feel like saying that's dds business to tell people herself but don't know if that sounds like I'm being off with her (I don't actually want to fall out with the woman). I feel like saying ask her yourself, but if she did, dd would tell her where to go (she has anger problems). I haven't even told dd that this woman has been asking whether she's got her results for ages. What can I say that will make this woman shut up once and for all whilst being polite?

I’d be very honest with her and say ‘Susan, I have no idea why you go on and on asking about this. She passed and were incredibly proud of her so hopefully that will be enough for you to stop poking away at this topic for God knows what reason’.

If she isn’t accepting your answer she’s being rude.
You have two options - either ‘I’m not sure actually. I just know she graduated and I’m really proud of her’
Or ‘I told you, she passed.’ And move the conversation on.
Don’t worry about being blunt if she persists in asking. You’ve tried to be subtle and she’s not taking it.

Congratulations to your DD. She sounds a great girl.

She sound like a right pain in the arse. Who the heck goes on about classification of a degree and constantly asks. Nosey busy body.

Say DD likes to keep things private and she may or may not wish to share.

I wouldn’t even entertain telling her, it’s absolutely none of her business.

To use a mumsnet favourite, “she sounds unhinged”.

Id say DD has passed and we’re so proud of her and leave it at that, she sounds like a nosy smug bint.

Don’t need to tell DD that she’s prying either.

I didn’t get what I hoped exactly either, due to a difficult turn of events. I eventually got a 2:2.

I don’t think anybody ever asked the grade, nor cared, nor has it been relevant in life.

Shes done amazing, she’s completed it, that is all 👌🏼

Why not just say a third?
And that you're really proud of her

If she does say anything horrible then say something back at the time

Why are you so concerned with being polite to a woman who is so blatantly being rude and obnoxious?

I would tell her the truth. She she got a third, she passed despite some hurdles that others luckily don't have and you are extremely proud of her achievements.

I'm lost for words and would want to say shut the fuck up! I guess people are intrigued and nosy and maybe does she want to say well done on XYZ?

She will probably know its not a first if you don't say that but she's done amazing, and has passed. I agree with others, say she passed and we are ecstatic and change the subject.

Why can't your husband speak to his father so that he can shut this down?

If asked again I would say, 'I've already told you that she has passed, stop digging to find out what she got as it's of no importance or relevance to you.'

"she passed, with honours, obviously."

And when she says what class honours, look bemused and say "2024"

I would mess with her head a bit. Reiterate she’s got her degree and you are delighted for her, then say excuse me I’ve just got to …. ( bite my arm) and go off. If she asks again, say it’s of no importance, she’s got her degree and you are delighted and you can’t remember if you checked on…. And go off again. If she asks again say oh I don’t care, she’s got her degree and we’re really proud of her, what grade did you get for your degree and did it impact on the roles you were offered?
You could say I haven’t asked because it doesn’t matter, did your grade affect your career plans?

Thanks for all the replies, some really good advice and ideas what to say to her. To clarify, we are extremely proud of her, I never even went to uni so I really admire anyone who has gained a degree, whatever the grade. My husband can't say anything to his dad as he's 93 and has dementia, he can't process any information. He only lives at home because this lady, with the help of us and carers, looks after him, another reason I don't want to upset her. I thought about just telling her that dd got a third then it's over and done with and she can think what she likes. I suppose, deep down, I'm worried that this woman's negative reaction (I just know it will be negative) will sour things for us, she's bound to mention her cousins first again. She's dug for years for the intimate details of dds early life and recent struggles and if you tell her anything, she acts all sympathetic at first but then somehow manages to bring it up in every conversation and won't let stuff go, like a dog with a bone. Dd had an eating disorder a couple of years back and this woman got to know about it. From then on she always mentions how healthy and beautiful dds cousin is and how she's just the right weight (dd is underweight). I mean, why say that to the parents of someone who has serious struggles with their image and weight. It's almost as if she's trying to "rub it in". She does it in other ways too, we aren't very well off, not poor but certainly have to watch the pennies. She constantly makes snide remarks, all said "jokingly" about our "tiny" house and ancient car. I know I probably sound really paranoid and bitter now but all I want to do is protect my daughter. I think I'll just go down the road of saying, "yes, we are thrilled she passed her degree" and if she asks what grade I'll say "BSc" then pretend I don't know what else she means!

"You know how private DD is, she wouldn't want me to share but she is extremely happy with her result. By the way, what class of a degree do you have?" (I suspect she doesn't give her lack of intelligence).

Just tell her! Surely if you are proud just tell her 'she got a third and we're so proud.' you seem overly concerned about what she thinks. Maybe ask yourself why you can't brush it off. Do you even need to see her that often?

I think just tell her and be proud. Hiding it is the problem.

I am Italian American, so tend to be more direct than the English, but sometimes a direct, non-judgmental conversation really works.

Perhaps you could say to this woman that you are very happy that she is interested in your dd, but would prefer that she stop asking and commenting on your dd's progress and achievements, especially in comparison to other young adults. You might add that you recognize that she wants to show interest in you and your family, but that you find it stressful and would prefer that she didn't keep asking. I think that this can be said nicely without offending her.
(I have had to have this conversation with multiple friends and relatives about my mentally ill drug addict son who is currently missing on the streets of San Francisco....no one has been offended by my asking them politely to stop asking after him and offering suggestions of what to do, as it's upsetting for me.)

I'm really sorry you're going through that. I hope he finds a way out of addiction

‘Susan I hope this doesn’t come across badly but you should know by now that DD is very private about her life, not surprisingly as you know the many challenges she’s had to get where she is. She’s had to overcome so much more than FIL’s other grandchildren and she doesn’t really like to talk about that or give the impression that any of us think DN or any of the other have had it easier. So you constantly bringing things like this up makes it look to all the grandchildren as if you just don’t know how things work in the family and we’d hate to think of them still seeing you as an outsider after all this time. You do so much for FIL and we’re so lucky to have you, which is why I feel I can say this, I would hate to think of DD and DN both thinking ‘Granny would never have compared us like that’ - so please stop focusing on the details of what they’re both doing, it’s just not what WE do’

How’s that for turning the tables on her?

"We're not saying the class of degree as we don't like boasting."