My Dad wants us to move in with him - NOOOOOOOO! But feeling guilty

[BrianBlessed01]

My Dad is 88, and lives in his own house. Pretty useless siblings; so no help from them, they do what they please. I have visited him without fail once a week for the past 20 years, in the interim losing my children's dad in extremely distressing circumstances, first from a suicide attempt, later from his death. Today my Dad asked whether me and my sons would move in with him. It is sweet that he wants us with him, but also selfish on his part, as he loves his home and doesn't want to leave it. And I can't think of anything worse; my sons and I would be in quite confined circumstances and would basically have no privacy, and my Dad's expectation is that I'd become his full-time carer. Any advice please?

Just say no we will not be moving in dad. Easier said than done I know but really what else is there to say

Just say no.

Really a you just need to say no. Why would you worry about your fathers feelings if he is being selfish.
It is up to your siblings how much they help.

Say no. If you do - your life won’t be your own and you’ll end up becoming a full time carer.

My dad is 91. I see him every day, ring him twice a day, once in the morning to make sure he’s up and once before bedtime. I do his shopping, take him to medical appointments but that is the absolute maximum I can do and he knows it. I’ve told him that when the time comes, if he needs more care then I will sort it out but it won’t be me doing it. I work full time and I cannot do any more. You’ve got to think about the impact that moving in with him will have on you and your boys. It’s hard but you’ve got to be realistic in what you can offer. Not everyone is cut out to be a full time carer for an elderly parent.

I know people that have, the will has been changed they solely inherit. For one it was over relatively quickly, the other took many years- which impacted the life of the carer no end. Neither had young children.

Do you live close by? Would you be happy to up your visits to twice a week? Does he need a carer or is he still quite independent?

It’s often said that it’s better to feel guilty than resentful

😱

Wow, difficult.
Depends on so many circumstances.
Think, OP, think.

Just tell him no, it wouldn't suit you or the boys to move, they are settled where they are.
If he is worried about needing more help would he accept some carers to come once a day?

Are you looking for advice on whether to do it (I think that has been a pretty unanimous 'Nooooo!' so far), or on how to break the news to your father that you don't want to?

The latter is possibly trickier, but you just have to be firm and simple, don't go into reasons or justifications, as they would give him something to argue with, just say it wouldn't work for you.

And if he asked because he is starting to need more help or company, then look into getting paid carers (he could possibly apply for attendance allowance to help cover the cost), or any local befriending schemes. Or it might be time to start looking at a move into a sheltered flat, or the kind of accommodation that allows some independence and privacy but in a place with shared spaces and activities (eg Abbeyfield homes).

The elderly parents section on here is full of people who are dealing with the same stage of life and can give good advice.

Op I would say no. If you move in your life won't be your own. Same with your sons. Maybe talk to your dad about any future care needs?? Good luck x

I would arrange for carers. They never want it. But appreciate them once they get to know them. And get a necklace thing that phones if the person presses the button. It's £23 where I am. I feel comforted that in a fall, providing the wearer is conscious, they can phone out for help.

Thanks everyone, really appreciate your very sound advice! x

Say calmly, 'No Dad. It won't suit the boys and wouldn't be in their best interests'.

You clearly know that he primarily wants you all there to take care of him and so that he can have care. But that's not fair on the boys or on you.

Just say 'I think we'll annoy you' and mention all the things like noise, his routine, having teenagers over all the time, money, possible breakages, increased food cost etc

I absolutely adored my Dad and he was my favourite person in the world.

But in spite of / because of this I found it impossible to care for him while he was dying.

This was partly a hide failure on my part but I did not cope at all. My dad became doubly incontinent and violent. None of this was his fault. But I just couldn't cope at all, it was horrific, and it went on for many months. It became a situation where I was scared of caring for a very violent person I no longer knew and who no longer knew me. It was 24/7 despite being told by SS I'd have help and I am having PTSD therapy years later.

Just my version.

Oh @CatCatBoing that sounds so upsetting, I'm sorry you are still (understandably) suffering. In some small way I kind of know how you might be feeling. Five months after my mother died my dad revealed that he'd revived his affair with his 'mistress', we (or I was anyway) were still deep in grief, this was an affair that we'd known about at the time, years before, and tried to support my Mum. His second 'wife' (he went ahead and married her) lives abroad, and has shamelessly financially abused him, to the point where he's released equity on his home three times, to finance various grievances of hers. He's 88 now, and starting to realise he will probably never see her again, which we tried to point out at the time, would be something that might emerge, as he is (surprise, surprise) quite a bit older than her. I'm so sorry for all of us having to deal with 'issues' with our elderly parents. Sending love to you all in that particular same boat. xxx