Parents not supportive

[Dogweiner]

I separated from an emotionally abusive partner 7 years ago I have been in and out of court since. I have a 14 year old boy who has ASD
I had to leave the marital home to move into a council house, which, was in a bad state and had to do alot if work. In the meantime my son was refusing to go to school so I was home schooling
I lost my job in the meantime and some mutual friends.
It has taken an emotional tool. I live in Glasgow. My parents moved not long after my son was born down south.
They have visited twice in 7 years.
The first time to attend a wedding
The secong thru stayed in a hotel and
I have asked them on numerous occasions to come up for court, help with my son or house
There is always an excuse. Car too dangerous for the trip, nothing in Glasgow for them. Journey too much etc
They invite us down but it's a pretty controlled environment. I suggested vising them Christmas but they are going to stay in a hotel then two if then
I explained that my son is with me this year and his Dad the following. That made zero difference.
My mum messages every day to see what I'm up to. I find this triggering as whatever I say there is no support given.
I feel thru are pushing us further and further away and live in a bubble.
I've tried to challenge it but it gets twisted. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks

I was wondering if this would be another thread complaining about GPs not providing childcare.
But you seem to have had a really hard time and your parents are completely unsupportive. In their place I would certainly visit you far more often and help you in court and with everything else.
It's hard to know what to suggest in the face of such apathy from your parents

Thank you. My Mum texts ever day to see what I'm up to or what's going on. As good as that sounds I find it makes me feel worse as when I've poured my heart out nothing comes of it. She asks if I can contact friends.

I’m really sorry. I don’t have much advice other than perhaps stop trying to build a better relationship with them, and stop responding to the texts. Focus on building your own support network around yourself and leave your parents to continue their life without you. I hope they are not expecting any support from you in their old age…. I’d tell them to FO.

I would be distancing myself from the constant messages of what you are up to. Reply once a week with an update and prepare to tell the truth about why you are being quiet.

Relationships are a two way street and while yes they don’t have to give childcare they don’t even seem interested in seeing you.

I would distance myself a bit too.
Are there any groups for single mums where you are?
In such a situation I would move heaven and earth to see you at least once every 2 months. If nothing else at least for a court date or two.
I am so sorry.

I think I'm going to have to say something. I feel like I'm always the bad guy as they don't like Glasgow, if the car breaks down on the motorway it's dangerous, too much smog here, more facilities at there house and my son likes going down. They suggested October but I have plans. I said Christmas. Mum said she wants to go away as my Grandad dies New Year's day and thru want to get away.
I invited them up. I emphasised my boy will be with his Dad next year. Response is that they are still going away. They are looking for a deal with stuff to do.
Sorry to go on my first is that I'll explode. I think my Mum thinks messaging to see what I'm doing is support.
I am feeling pretty resentful.

If you say something it is unlikely to change based on their past reactions. Be prepared for this.

What do you want to achieve? Will saying something achieve this? How do you want to go forward if this sis the case?

I can understand why you are feeling let down but I don’t think they will change even if they say they will.

I see your point. I don't think a single thing will change.

I feel I have to do something.

I'd like to have an equal relationship and parents I can turn to.

In fact they have become more and more distant. They don't feel like Parents as much as I love them.

I get Christmas is tough as my Grandad dies 3 years ago on New Year's day. I find the knock back of us visiting upsetting, especially, as my son can't go next year.

I feel very rejected. The daily texts are triggering even if I'm having a good day.

I would like to have a bit of space to process and heal.

Christmas is final straw.

I think if your mum texts every day then she loves you and is possibly worried about you. People get old and like their lives as they are and Glasgow is a really long way from the south. Can you try and explain how this makes you feel a bit more? Tell them it’s hurtful and you’d really appreciate them visiting more. Say your son would love a relationship with them. Say you miss them. If that doesn’t work, then suggest they don’t text as much as you’re finding it hurtful they will text but not visit

How old are your parents?
Sad about your granddad but presumably he was old and your son needs them now. I am all in favour of GP having their own lives but visiting once in 7 years is really poor.

They are 65 and 66. My son is 14.

They are quite old for such a long journey depending on their health. There is no way my mum could do that journey and she is the same age.

What? 65 is not old. My mum is 78 and flies to the US regularly. I am 52 and no way do I expect to not be able to do that journey in 13 years!

Maybe you can offer to drive and pick them up and take them back? Make an adventure of it. Trains to Glasgow are quick from London. My parents stopped driving in their sixties so us children have to taxi them everywhere. Or meet in a holiday rental half way? There is always a compromise.

I don't drive unfortunately. They still drive slot with theyre work. . My point is that I've needed there help here over the last 7 years . My son has Autism and it is stressful for him to travel
.
I could pluck up the courage to meet half way. I'm a bit scared of the rejection.

The train is 5.5 hrs from where they live.
Thanks for suggestions.

Flying is not driving! Great for your mum. Not so great for mine .

Well I was going to say the parents could take a train.No need to drive. But now OP says they are 5.5 hrs from a train. They seem to be pretty remote.
Nevertheless given so many people will be working till 67, 65 is hardly decreipt.

Sorry no. They are 10 mins from train station. The train takes 5.5 hrs

Then they could just take the train. They don't seem to want to. I would find this hurtful given your son can't travel easily.

They could take the train but they won't. My mum said she's scared of going through tunnels and they need a car to get out and about.
It's all smokecreens and excuses because they just don't want to come.
I had nothing when I got my flat. No white goods, furniture, flooring etc
Don't get me wrong I know there are people worse of but it was pretty brutal, stressful and exhausting in top of school avoidance and a court case .
I suppose I just need to find a way of mentally dealing with it
I'm sure they love me in they're own way but feel that they're duties are done.

Why don’t you drive OP? Is it something you could do?

Ask about meeting them half way. Loads of lovely holiday cottages dotted about we are in one now with a private pool and hot tub under £1000 for 4 of us.

My parents haven’t driven long distant for years since their early 60’s we have always picked them up and dropped them off.

Now I am in my 50’s I too am finding long distant driving harder especially in the UK. It is much easier doing long distance on the Continent.

I agree with this...
It seems clear they are quite neglectful, to be honest. I'm sorry for you, it's a very difficult situation and you deserve help from the ones who should love you unconditionally!
But it may be healthier (not saying easier) to stop expecting them to be "real parents" and start building your own support network where you are.
The best of luck, OP 💐

They sound awful. Sorry op.