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Parents of adult children

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25yoDS won't help himself! Help!

12 replies

SGANDRUE · 25/08/2024 08:37

My DS is 25,on the spectrum, lives with DH and I in a self contained part of our house. He has one good friend, but who lives abroad, a GF in the states who keeps saying she's coming to the UK, but I have had my doubts for the last 2 years.

My problem is this. My DS is lonely, has no work colleagues to talk to, spends this whole life online talking to GF, mainly. Has anxiety (like me) is frustrated that the relationship with his GF is going nowhere despite his efforts and is now on anti depressants. His life is boring, empty and lonely. I have suggested meetup groups, friendship sites, which worked for me! Courses and barwork (which he loved, during uni). We will help or support him with anything he wants to do, but he won't do it!! I'm so frustrated! Some days he is crying and having a meltdown because he is so unhappy. I am heartbroken, but then when I suggest things to improve his situation, I'm nagging! Do I just let him be and watch him potentially slide into depression? Dh says I can't force him and to let it go. Advice please!

OP posts:
Bekindtoyourselfandothers · 25/08/2024 08:49

You say he is now on anti depressants OP. Has he had any other treatments, such as CBT which might help him with his anxiety and might help him with his interaction with other people?

He is an adult . And if he's been to Uni then presumably an intelligent one. So your DH is right in that, whilst you can be there for him and supportive of him, you can only do so much. Changing his life involves him changing his mindset and that can really only come from him.

SGANDRUE · 25/08/2024 08:57

Yes, I know, you are right. He has seen a therapist. I've offered to pay for another one. But it's hard to stand by and do nothing.

OP posts:
Bekindtoyourselfandothers · 25/08/2024 09:07

SGANDRUE · 25/08/2024 08:57

Yes, I know, you are right. He has seen a therapist. I've offered to pay for another one. But it's hard to stand by and do nothing.

Oh I totally agree with you OP: it is hard when you so much want to see him have a happy and fulfilled life.

StoorieHoose · 25/08/2024 09:11

Can he work?

theduchessofspork · 25/08/2024 09:15

Well he’s living in your house, so he needs to pay rent and thus get to work, is how I’d put it. Offer to help with whatever but give him a deadline by which you want rent.

Use any levers you can to get him out and interacting - pay for a therapist, gym etc.

He doesn’t have a girlfriend, he has some woman he talks to online, you need to gently start to challenge the idea she’s a girlfriend

pinkfleece · 25/08/2024 09:16

Does he work? If not, why not?

SGANDRUE · 25/08/2024 13:04

Sorry, should have made that clear, he works and pays rent. He has visited GF in America a few times, and she's been here once or twice.
He has no colleagues because they all wfh.

OP posts:
SGANDRUE · 25/08/2024 13:05

I have been diplomatic and blunt about the fact that their relationship will go nowhere, but he won't have it!

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BarbedButterfly · 25/08/2024 13:08

Don't be so sure it will go nowhere as I live with my Internet boyfriend now. One of my British friends just got married to her online American boyfriend too.

I think you need to keep the door open for him to talk, keep encouraging therapy and stop telling him his relationship will go nowhere. It may be the only thing he is positive about.

If he is more of an online person like me suggest he joins some discord groups around his interests. I have made some good friends that way and meet up with them

SGANDRUE · 25/08/2024 20:48

Thanks for the advice. He is on discord. Can it lead to interests irl? I wasn't negative about his long distance relationship at all, but it's going nowhere fast

OP posts:
paparazzied · 11/09/2024 07:39

"He doesn’t have a girlfriend, he has some woman he talks to online, you need to gently start to challenge the idea she’s a girlfriend"

Yeah, my husband had one of those women he talked to online, and now we've been married for 15 years and live in the uk together. ;-)

SGANDRUE · 15/09/2024 06:40

Problem solved! His GF finished with him and he feels massively relieved and has started living again! I'm soooo happy!

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