Should adult children feel obliged to visit Dad?

[Whoyoutakingto]

Hi, I have four DC youngest now 21. Each pair has different Dad. Both Dads didn’t live with us beyond toddler stage but saw once a week if lucky, no interest in their education or support as they aged.
The older pair see Dad maybe twice a year at DD1 instigation.Younger pair, one feels no connection and so doesn’t want to visit other feels obliged to see very infrequently.
Personally I feel you get out what you put in so DC are apathetic.I know they are old enough to make their own decisions but do you think they should make an effort?

Doesn’t sound like the dads are bothered whether they see them or not anyway and no I don’t think the children should make any effort you either have a relationship or you don’t .

They should do what feels right to them, as their fathers did.

The dads didn't make much effort when they were younger.

Depends on how locally they are all living but I doubt my DD will make much effort to see her dad when she's grown, she mostly goes now as she has a toddler sister and enjoys seeing her.

I think they should put in the effort they were given, so no, they shouldn’t feel obligated to visit.

Absolutely leave it to them to decide.

My f was a nasty sexist bully who had no interest in his daughters beyond what he could charge us for rent. We were all estranged from him by the time we left school.
My ds' f manages 6 hours a week, and pays half his costs. At least he isn't abusive. Ds is happy to see him, they get on ok but they have little in common.

Love and respect are earned - or not.

Like you said, you get back what you put in!
Is someone complaining about the lack of ( reciprocal ) effort?

When the younger ones go to their Dads his gf try's to make them feel guilty, and implies they only go when they want something, not at all true!

@Whoyoutakingto in which case she will push them away even more.

That would be more reason not to visit at all.

I agree with you that you should get what you put in. I am 36 and I make effort to see me mum regularly. I can't imagine leaving her in old age when the time comes to just get lonely. My dad,on the other hand, I can't tell you the last time I saw him or spoke to him.

Sounds like they should stop going altogether, either she's voicing what their dad has been saying to her or he is allowing his gf to treat them poorly.

She sounds jealous of them if you ask me, doesn't like him spending any time (or money) with them and is trying to stop them from visiting.

Mine see their dad mostly on special occasions only.
So this year has been on 3 birthdays so far. Tbf he walked away from any day to day input years ago and he gets back now what he put in.
If he didn't have a ten year old I don't think they'd go at all but they feel very torn because they were dumped by him and they don't want to do the same to her

My dad saw me 2-3 times a year growing up. I tried to stay in touch as an adult but I just had no idea what he wanted and how he saw our father daughter relationship as adults when it had been so fragmented growing up and he had missed my day to day life. In my 30s I eventually came to the (painful) conclusion that he just never really wanted to be my dad and only had contact to keep my Nan happy and so that his girlfriends didn’t think he was a psycho for having nothing to do with his kids. I gave up in the end and have had no contact with him for a few years now. I miss him but you can’t force someone into a role they don’t want.