What age do you become more open about your past with adult children

[Devondumplin20]

This should read what age should your adult children be lol! My oldest children are late teens and early twenties now. I have a big part of my life that I’ve carried but never felt it right to go into much detail. I’m healed from it now - although it still hurts and it has definitely affected me. In a nutshell I was groomed and spent 15 years in a cult. That was over 25 years ago. I want to feel more open to talk to them about it - and why sometimes I get anxious about things (trusting people, - I don’t let people get too close - when I feel I’m being controlled I get really snappy with my husband, needing material security- I was homeless at one time and had to build my life from the ground up - stuff like that ). Recently someone from my past appeared back in my life. I want to be able to talk to my children more openly - as friends I guess, saying how it’s made me feel. I don’t need my kids to be counsellors - I know where to go for that if I need it and honestly I’ve moved on. But sometimes I’d just like a cuppa and a chat and to be a bit more open. I just don’t know when is the right time.

Sorry to hear what you've been through

I wouldn't tell them at all. They're not your friends

That's just my view but I certainly wouldn't be offended loading onto my kids, whatever their age

*offloading

I agree, never is the right time. I have adult children. I will never tell them I used to be homeless and slept rough

That’s interesting. I grew up in a family where nothing was shared. Now my mother is in her 80s and we’ve bonded in the last 10 years as she’s shared more about what it was like living with her alcoholic father. Of course I had picked up on it because he always stank of booze and slurred his words and now it’s been nice to fully understand. I’m glad she’s opened up. I’m not talking about using your kids as emotional support- but I don’t think secrets are good. I also don’t want to feel ashamed. It was 15 years of my life. I travelled the world. There were amazing and funny times . I didn’t have a typical 20’s and one day they will find out because there are photos and documents and other family members who know I was lost for a while.

Secrets aren't good, you're right but this doesn't have to be a secret does it? I would view it as my past personal life that is private to me. So it's no secret, it's just personal. I wouldn't tell my young adult children about my past - which I won't detail here - because it's absolutely none of their business and they can't help me with it. Nor do they need to know.

The fact you really want to tell them suggests that you do wish to perhaps offload or have them offer their emotional support.

I wonder if it depends on the (adult) child and how it may impact them?. Eg their levels of emotional maturity, whether they have their own struggles etc.

I have noticed my relationships with my children deepen and develop as they learn more about me as a person, rather than just me as a mum. Of course, I don’t treat them as therapists, I have a therapist for that! And I take care to remain their mum and keep myself in a parenting role, whilst sharing with them. I keep some aspects of my past to myself, just giving them the broader picture rather than the granular details.

my two have differing levels of emotional maturity, imo, and I adjust things accordingly.

And I agree with you OP. Family secrets can be rather toxic. Perhaps if you feel able to share with them, while focusing on their feelings and the impact this info has on them, then your in a good position to support them to understand you and your history.

Now DC are adults (post uni) we refer very fleetingly to things they might not have coped with when young. But I am uneasy about it. My dad overshared and we were all made into his emotional support humans from a very young age (about 3 onwards it was my job to comfort daddy while he raged about his childhood for hours and hours every day. Never tried therapy just dumped on us.)

As a result I was over boundaried as a mum and never let them see I was a person, just a mum, until I realised this too is unhealthy. They need to know you are a whole person with a past and neuroses and needs just like veryone else. Knowing and having it perpetually shoved in their faces are two very different things.

I have wondered about this. I really don’t talk about my past at all to my children. My DD has said she feels she knows nothing about me which hurts. I just don’t talk about myself generally. There is something quite significant I have never told them but don’t know if it’s appropriate to do so.

I can’t imagine not sharing, but I do come from a very open family. My mum had a difficult childhood - lost a parent very young and was a victim of sexual abuse. Growing up we knew about her bereavement, and I think from my teens she referenced a difficult childhood/creepy relative. In recent years (I’m in my 40’s now) we have spoken in more detail about it all.

I don’t really understand people who say your children are not your friends etc, while I do understand not sharing information too young/using children as a counsellor, your history is part of your children’s history, and it’s important to share that.

things about my past have seeped out over time, since my DC were early teens, however only recently have some serious things come out, and this is only bebause their dad (my ex) passed away and questions were asked.

ontop of that my oldest DC now has a child and asks me how me and her dad did things, and i won't lie to my children. it breaks my heart to bad mouth him, but he really was a shit dad and a shit husband.. but now at early 20's they can see it for what it is. its likely some things would never have come out if he was still alive