Online dating disappointments for daughter

[MournfulMonday]

I have name changed for this. My daughter is 30 and has recently come out of a relationship with someone who just dumped her and went back to a previous gf. She was devastated and heart broken. They were living together and she thought everything was fine. She’s picked herself up and is being very brave. Has started online dating which now a new thing for her. Two dates with men who seemed OK but weren’t right, then someone who turned out to have a family and was clearly cheating on the side. Thankfully she found out by a fluke before it turned into a relationship but she is just so disillusioned and hurt. How do I support her? I feel so upset for her. She’s stunning looking but just cannot find ‘the one’. All her friends are in relationships and she’s very lonely despite having good friends and hobbies. We live several hours away and she can’t afford to come home for a weekend.

Tell her to forget looking for a man, a relationship, the 'one'. Tell her to find 'her', who she is, enjoying herself.

When she's found her feet and is doing all the hobbies and things that interest her, she'll find her life far more fulfilling. When she's done that, got her confidence back, then she'll meet the right someone at the right time. Rebounding on dating apps is a massive mistake. But if she doesn't, at least she'll have a fabulous life every day.

Support her by telling her she doesn't need a man to be happy. Pining her self worth on looks and making another person responsible for her loneliness is not healthy.

There are ways to meet new friends and increase her social circle so she's not only seeing friends in relationships.

It's difficult op because online dating will expose you to the good and the bad. It definitely takes resilience to keep going on dates when you are also coming across guys like that. I'd just try to remind her why she's amazing and a catch and continue to support her to lead a full life. If she's only recently out of this relationship (which sounds like it was serious) then maybe she needs a bit of time to recover from that before she's ready to date someone else.

I'm surprised she's dipped her toe into the cesspit of online dating given she's just been dumped and is heartbroken.
I'd be telling her to heal first and then just enjoy her life and if someone comes along who can add any value to it then that's great.

That's exactly what I have said to her. The break up was seven months ago. I still don't think it's enough time though. She has come a long way since then though.

She is doing as much as she possibly can to build her own resilience, hobbies, friends etc. She has good friends but lives alone and doesn't have a lot of money. All her friends are in relationships which doesn't help.

She has to put online outright what she wants from a relationship, so she deters the bad guys

Do you mean looking for a serious relationship, children etc? That sounds a bit heavy.

.... but that is what she's looking for so why not be upfront?

You have a point.

I think it's a bit early too. I think at least a year myself, and two years would be even better. When she's in a place that her life feels great and a relationship is the cherry on top, not in a place where she's lonely and still feeling fragile.

Having said all that - I don't think she has to put everything that she wants long term in a profile. At that stage, all she wants is to have a fun first date, with an openness to more.

This is what I did. I dated 2 guys only ( 15 years ago). One of them is my husband. Perfect match. Married forever ( how am I sure? Well, I am)

I agree with you and have said as much to her. I also agree that she’s looking for a fun first date with a possibility of more . It was only one date she had with the man who turned out to have three children but it has really knocked her confidence .

Can she get friends and colleagues to set up dates? Even if it comes to nothing it’ll get her going out

I said that to her but she says everyone she knows and their friends are all in relationships.

Hi, I am in a similar position to your daughter- almost 30 and just come out of a relationship a few months ago. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her keep an eye on the dating apps if she feels like it and can enjoy meeting people, but I’ve found it really helpful to join lots of girls groups too (they seem to exist in most UK cities), taking up new hobbies and going back to my old hobbies and interests. I have found going to the events through the girls groups great as I have had other nice things to look forward to in the week, whilst being on the dating apps and it just makes the whole online dating thing a smaller piece of my life and more bearable. If it makes her feel any better, you can tell her she’s not alone and there are other girls out there, like myself, who are in the same position, hurt by the past and looking for the right person. Wishing you and her all the best. Feel free to message if I can help with anything

The other thing I am doing is joining hobbies where I may come into contact with both sexes and so I can enjoy a hobby whilst knowing I am also expanding my social circle and perhaps slightly
increasing my chance of meeting someone in real life.

Thank you. She has good friends and is out as much as she can be, but she’s living alone and rent takes a huge slab of her pay so money is an issue.

How is she planning to date if money is an issue? Even going for dinner can be pricey.

So far they have been kept as low cost as possible. There is no shame in that surely! Is there an assumption that meeting a partner must involve being well off?

No there isn't, but equally she isn't going to be dating anyone looking to spend more on dating either. Her original complaint was a guy with a family, much harder to hide a few weekend dinners than a couple of coffees, and not the right guys - just an observation from many threads about cheapskate partners.

Hobbies and other social meetings don't have to be expensive but might give better chances of meeting like minded people and dating naturally is all.