Daughter having a baby with her domestic abusive boyfriend

[Annieg222]

My daughter has just turned 18 and is pregnant. Her boyfriend is a couple years older and has been physically abusive to her on several occasions in the past.
Is is very controlling and regularly tells her she's not allowed to see me. Though, thankfully she still does!
At one point she had lost dangerous amount of weight due to him calling her fat- she wasn't. He also bought her weed everyday to subdue her. Prior to her getting with him she was always antidrugs.
Thankfully, since becoming pregnant. She has gained some weight back and has stopped smoking cannabis.

The boyfriend hasn't changed in the slightest and I wouldn't trust to look after a flea. I've, in the past before she was 18 informed the police and social services but as she was unwilling to cooperate, there was nothing they could do!

Is there anyone else in a simular situation? I love my daughter and want more than anything to be part of my grandchild's life but I just can't see how it's going to work or if he'll even "allow" me to see the child. I can't forgive him for what he's done and still does to my daughter

Oh god what an awful situation. I have no experience but know I'd be worried. Apart from telling her she can come home whenever she wants, day or night, I'm not sure what to do?

Hopefully though this will bump for the evening crowd.

I'd report to social services. Abuse statistically escalates in pregnancy and postpartum. Be prepared that if she won't leave him, the baby may be going into care though - or coming your way.

Second the social services. İt might give her the confidence she needs to leave him. Unfortunately I think it's all you can do in this situation. I know you said they didn't help before, but they will take a baby being subject to a physically abusive man very seriously. They took my DA situation seriously and the man was on another continent with no way to get a passport due to criminal record. Even me speaking to him to try and get some money they took seriously and he had never hit me.

Poor thing. I've been pregnant with an abusive bf. I'd didn't tell my family as I believed him that it was all me that was the problem.
Shower her with love and warmth and remind her of how a pregnant woman deserves to be treated with kindness and help and care. This will be a genuine contrast to her bf and make her realise without you criticizing him and making her defend him.
If she is willing to, show her the freedom programme to do online or in person, and also the iPlayer series killed/murdered by my boyfriend. It's a true story about a teen pregnancy who ends up being killed by him but it's done so so so well.
Encourage her to access a children's centre if you can if they have pregnant women groups.
More than anything don't alienate her and remind her that she deserves love and she has a safe and happy home with you.

I second Maybebaby. Abuse often escalates during and after pregnancy. He will be telling her any poor behaviour on his part is all her fault and she will need lots of support to know this behaviour is not normal and not acceptable. I know she is now 18 but the Childline Locker resource has really accessible info on healthy relationships as does Women's Aid. Would you be able to attend a midwife appointment with her? If so, please encourage her to inform the midwife (or you let them know). They will be careful in appointments that he attends as well as following safeguarding procedures. Above anything else continue to let her know you are there for her and there is a place for her at yours when she decides to leave. Wishing you the very best of luck.x

Thank you everyone for your comments x

How far along is she?

Does she have a midwife at all? I would call the surgery and ask to speak to the midwife about your concerns. They obviously won’t tell you anything about your daughter but you can give them information so that the midwife is aware. The midwife can also report concerns so that they don’t need to come directly from you if you are worried that your daughter will stop speaking to you.

You can also report your concerns to social services, although if there is no “proof” and your daughter chooses not to engage not much will be done at this stage.

It is vitally important that you keep lines of communication open with your daughter and she knows you are there for her at anytime, I’m so sorry you’re going through this and hope she comes home x

Another who recommends that this gets flagged up to social services. I know you said that they couldn't take it further as your DD wouldn't engage with them, but if there is a baby involved they will take it further.

How are things going now?