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Original poster

Doing my best, feel fragile but it's not enough

16 replies

Teaortea · 23/06/2024 18:00

I have two adults children, dd 23, ds 26. They both moved out 4 years ago although DD comes back home regularly, between apartments, jobs etc
She's home atm as she's about to go travelling for 3 months starting next week.

She has problems with her hormones- mood swings, feeling low, tired, brain fog, upset etc

She came to me today saying her hormones were a problem and she felt tired, aching and unwell.

I asked her questions about what she meant, if she wanted food and tea, gave her tablets etc
I didn't realise she was upset and I thought I was being understanding, kind , listening to her, offering her sympathy, talking about finding a hormone specialist for when she gets back from travelling etc

This took about 20 mins so i asked again if she wanted a drink of tea and she blew up at me and stormed off.

She says when I offer tea or food I'm being dismissive of her feelings and not emotionally supportive.

After about half an hour I went upstairs to check on her and asked what can I do to show her emotional support and she said show her kindness, empathy, attentiveness. Literally I thought I was so idkw to do.

I'm also struggling with the recent sudden loss of our senior dog.
He was my baby, my lil soul dog. As time goes on I feel worse, so sad and in pain.

My husband is supportive but even though
Dd and I are close she gets overwhelmed easily so Im not able to talk to her about how bad I feel.

I honestly feel like I am giving as much as I can and I wonder if my grief is inpairing me?

She gets so annoyed with me, shouting and being hurtful.

She said I used to be able to give emotional support and now I can't "for some reason".

It saddens me so much that I can't help her and I've let her down, but at the same time is it asking too much to have a bit of grace and understanding from her? I honestly feel torn and fragile but I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 24/06/2024 08:06

I find giving emotional support very draining, especially over a long period of time. I find people want me to say what they want to hear, rather than practical help or a dose of reality.
You are upset and grieving, yet how much emotional support does she give you? Perhaps she thinks it’s only a dog and you should have got over it by now. If she can’t give you support, she shouldn’t expect it back.
Don’t let her make you feel bad

Humanswarm · 24/06/2024 09:04

Hormones are a nightmare. I'm peri and I think reading that, I probably feel the same way about my dd20 as your dd feels about you. And it's genuinely not that you aren't being supportive, it's that she really doesn't know what she needs. She's lashing out at the closest person to her.
It may be worth, at her age, going to the GP and trying something to help settle those hormones, could be a contraceptive or maybe she could seek to find some good supplements? Is this something you could broach on a good day?
Trust me, you are doing more than enough, try and change your mindset to 'I know I am doing all I can, she knows that too, it's just a storm to ride'. It's incredibly hard I know.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely dog too, have you considered some bereavement support? Dogs are a massive part of our lives and we grieve them as any other member of our family, so treat yourself as you would if someone else had passed.

Original poster
Teaortea · 25/06/2024 09:07

DustyLee123 · 24/06/2024 08:06

I find giving emotional support very draining, especially over a long period of time. I find people want me to say what they want to hear, rather than practical help or a dose of reality.
You are upset and grieving, yet how much emotional support does she give you? Perhaps she thinks it’s only a dog and you should have got over it by now. If she can’t give you support, she shouldn’t expect it back.
Don’t let her make you feel bad

Edited

Thank you for this, you've made me feel so much better. Yes it is draining giving constant emotional support, it's hard to admit as it feels like I'm failing or complaining but that is the reality.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teaortea · 25/06/2024 09:17

Humanswarm · 24/06/2024 09:04

Hormones are a nightmare. I'm peri and I think reading that, I probably feel the same way about my dd20 as your dd feels about you. And it's genuinely not that you aren't being supportive, it's that she really doesn't know what she needs. She's lashing out at the closest person to her.
It may be worth, at her age, going to the GP and trying something to help settle those hormones, could be a contraceptive or maybe she could seek to find some good supplements? Is this something you could broach on a good day?
Trust me, you are doing more than enough, try and change your mindset to 'I know I am doing all I can, she knows that too, it's just a storm to ride'. It's incredibly hard I know.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely dog too, have you considered some bereavement support? Dogs are a massive part of our lives and we grieve them as any other member of our family, so treat yourself as you would if someone else had passed.

Thank you so much for this. I love the mindset change so much. It's just a storm to ride X 100 😅
She seemed calmer yesterday so we had a talk about looking into a nutritional specialist, she takes supplements but clearly she needs something else and doesn't want to go the route of the pill etc
She has always taken out her emotions on me but I think because I haven't felt myself recently it's been harder to handle.

Thank you for your condolences. Im keeping professional support in mind, giving myself a bit more time and hoping summer helps.

OP posts:
whatajoke26 · 25/06/2024 14:41

Asking questions and listening to her is showing emotional support. Does she want you to magic her problems away? You've also given advice. What else can you do really?

Meadowwild · 25/06/2024 14:51

OP, when hormones are unbalanced, she could scream at a saint for being uncaring.

IME, the only thing to say (which I often forget to say first) is, 'I'm sorry. That sounds so hard for you. I want to support you. How would you like me to help?'

That way, they can explain the specific help they feel they need in the moment.

When she is calm, be very clear you thought you were helping, meant to help and wanted to. That you want to chat about what sort of support feels right to her but that you too are human, make mistakes and also get very hurt when she attacks you when you are trying to be kind. She is an adult. She can't get away with treating people who love her like shit.

notnowmarmaduke · 25/06/2024 14:54

she is being very unfair on you. I think someone needs to tell her that

CharlotteRumpling · 26/06/2024 10:36

whatajoke26 · 25/06/2024 14:41

Asking questions and listening to her is showing emotional support. Does she want you to magic her problems away? You've also given advice. What else can you do really?

This. You have done all you can. She;s an adult. It's up to her to sort out her hormones.

Octavia64 · 26/06/2024 10:53

As someone who has been ill myself and has supported family members who have been ill, I would say there's a difference between in the moment support and longer term support.

If she comes to you and is tired and ill and achy then you talking about seeing a specialist after her travelling is longer term support. It might help her, but it's not going to do anything now.

The best way as others have said is to ask her what help she needs. Or you just say "I'm sorry that's shit. I'm here for you."

Offering food and cups of tea to "fix" upset is not unusual but it's not really listening to her either. Despite British belief a cup of tea does not fix all emotional ills. Grin

CharlotteRumpling · 26/06/2024 10:58

These things go both ways. What support has the DD offered to OP for the loss of her dog, which IMO is a big loss.Shouting if your mum is not listening to you as you think you you should be is entitled toddler behaviour.

I have done my share of caregiving and caregiver burnout is a thing. Op says she has given all she can. She doesn't need to put up with being a punching bag.

pikkumyy77 · 26/06/2024 11:00

Have you looked into PMDD? This one outburst is neither here nor there but if she is very regularly affected by her hormonal cycle this can destroy her life. I had a very brilliant patient who could simply not hold down a job longterm as her enraged outbursts every month would get her sacked.

Medication was absolutely required for her to function.

lease don’t let this slide. She could also have something else affecting her hormone levels: tumours etc… so she really needs a proper workup.

CharlotteRumpling · 26/06/2024 11:04

talking about finding a hormone specialist for when she gets back from travelling etc.

Op has offered to look into PMDD.

Drivinginmycar · 26/06/2024 11:14

When do people take accountability and responsibility for themselves these days? 18, 20, 25, 30, 40, 50 or never...

CharlotteRumpling · 26/06/2024 12:12

Seemingly never.

Veritysays897 · 26/06/2024 12:29

Meadowwild · 25/06/2024 14:51

OP, when hormones are unbalanced, she could scream at a saint for being uncaring.

IME, the only thing to say (which I often forget to say first) is, 'I'm sorry. That sounds so hard for you. I want to support you. How would you like me to help?'

That way, they can explain the specific help they feel they need in the moment.

When she is calm, be very clear you thought you were helping, meant to help and wanted to. That you want to chat about what sort of support feels right to her but that you too are human, make mistakes and also get very hurt when she attacks you when you are trying to be kind. She is an adult. She can't get away with treating people who love her like shit.

This^^

She probably just wants you to be attentive and listen rather than providing solutions.

And obviously she needs time to mature so she can reciprocate. IME young adults of that age are taking longer to mature because of lockdown.

FictionalCharacter · 26/06/2024 13:20

She's 23, not 13. She's old enough to seek medical help for her hormone problem herself - if the problem is indeed hormones. She doesn't know that for sure it seems.
What does she mean by support, specifically? She should be saying what she wants, not use vague terms like "support". Does she even know herself? You've listened, offered to look into medical help, offered things you thought would be comforting, and somehow she thinks you're so neglectful she's entitled to shout at you. This really isn't right.

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