Adult son (25) - don't know how to proceed

[DeSelby70]

Hi all. I have a 25 year old son who has displayed ASD type behaviours such as:

No friends – he had a small group but they dissipated after A level
Doesn’t take care of his appearance
Mumbles everything
Has obsessive random interests
Announces strongly held opinions at inappropriate times
No interest in dating, etc.

Diagnosis is not available where we live (unless private and unaffordable) and he wouldn’t engage with it anyway.

I admit I have propped him up through his degree (which was in my area of expertise). He then worked 6 months in a warehouse night shift. Then came a year and a half of no job, while he explained that he was going to make his fortune in business. This became increasingly unfounded in reality.

He then completed a Masters in an area in which there are many well paying jobs. My anticipation was that if he could secure one of these jobs then I could try to work with him regarding social interactions – the importance of small talk, smiling, being a good colleague, etc.

This was the plan up until a few weeks ago.

He’s now announced that he’s not getting a job because he’s starting his business and he’ll ‘be away soon enough’ (he won’t). I’m livid. Neither me or his other parent (separated since age 7) are allowed to know what this business is as it’s ‘none of our business’ – while he empties both fridges and pushes up the heating bills.

He’s not the type of son I read about on this forum who is violent/drugs/abusive. He has a good sense of humour and is interested in the world. I love my son but my heart is broke that there still is a possible future which could be the making of him but he’s choosing to delude himself in the most immature way – which after a period, I imagine would make him unemployable.

I feel that he’s brought me to a place where I’m just enabling him and I just want him to live independently now. He would be welcome back if his attitude changes, but otherwise he’ll be here when he’s forty (If I am).

His other parent wants to leave any discussion for a number of weeks because of a stressful work period in which they can’t get themselves upset. I’ve told him if he comes here, there will be a discussion or don’t come. So for now he’s staying there.

Anyone dealt with anything similar?

Well done on supporting him through his degree.
I would sit him down and tell him that on order to keep living wirh you etc etc he needs to share his business plan with you. If you don't feel it is a viable business then you make him get a job and refuse to fund anything for him.

Even if he has ASD and isn't capable of working he doesn't have to stay with parents forever. He can still move out and claim UC, he likely will need to persue a diagnosis to get the ill health elements though. He can come to that conclusion by himself when he gets fed up of having little food and no heating after being sanctioned for not complying with the job seekers elements. You can support from afar. His business idea either doesn't exist and he's just worked out it's s lie he can tell to avoid working (it's worked for the past 7yrs!) or he's being hoodwinked by someone for some kind of pyramid selling scheme, is my guess. Just tell him he can't decide what he's doing with his life whilst he lives with you and he either gets a job in the field he's trained for and starts paying rent and buying his own food, toiletries, clothes, phone, entertainment etc or he claims UC and pays for it all out of that while he looks for somewhere else to live. If he wants to start this mythical/dodgy business he can do it on his own dime.

To add, you can work and be in receipt of PIP because PIP isn't means tested, and so they might ask about ability to work but he can still work and receive PIP,

In theory. I'm unsure of the exact rules for PIP, but OP mentioned he has poor communication, so let's assume for argument sake that he gets PIP for that reason. So he's getting it for not being able to be around people, essentially. Then he gets a job...with people there, colleagues or customers. He'll find his PIP stopped because they'll no longer believe that he's disabled by his communication issues. If you've got no legs and use a wheelchair, everyone can see that so your PIP won't stop if you start working, but for anything mental it's not quite so simple.

That's not quite how PIP works.

We've got a lot of autism in our family, myself included.

It's based on need, not means. It's split into different levels and is heavily based around daily living tasks. It's usually advised to answer questions on a most days basis.

With autism support needs do change even multiple times a day, there are some days my little boy talks a lot and some days he doesn't even register when people are talking to him because he doesn't understand why we communicate reciprocally.

So on a most days basis, we would explain for him (if he was an adult) that he has communication challenges and here are examples A B and C, which may or may not include work.

However if OPs son did get a job after getting PIP this wouldn't impact his PIP claim, or even before, because it isn't fraudulent and evidence has to be presented of struggles anyway at the point of application for PIP.

If OPs son did manage to get a job, they'd also be expected to make reasonable adjustments, however it's not reasonable to abolish all communication within certain positions and roles and therefore it's unlikely that OPs son would even be hired for such positions. You wouldn't hire someone with no use of their lower limbs to climb up telegraph poles, and you wouldn't hire someone with a consistent communication deficit for a role that relies on communication. It's also unlikely that OPs son would even apply for this anyway.

It's why some job roles have a higher percentage of staff that are autistic because the nature of the job appeals to them and they're often solitary and repetitive in task.

If OPs son can demonstrate that he does have a job or wants a job but the support he needs to do that job is significantly greater than his peers, or even disables him from getting a job then that is only likely to strengthen his application for PIP because it's evidence that displays a need and an inability to perform daily living tasks.

Others have made some good points, he can’t expect you and his other parent to financially support him indefinitely while he builds up his business, whatever it might be. Does he have any money coming in? If so, he needs to contribute to the household expenses.

So instead of being subsidised by his mother you are suggesting that all of us subsidise his chosen lifestyle. If his mother is enabling him to make poor choices how much worse will it be when he is permanently enabled by the state. He will never be independent.

You don't need a diagnosis for either, however you do need to be able to answer the questions provided and evidence that most days he is detrimentally impacted by his abilities so that he cannot do key daily living activities including work.

It's not a lifestyle choice to be disabled. I am suggesting to OP that she looks at the benefits he may be entitled to as someone who is disabled, and have advised that this would need to be evidenced.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead She can certainly signpost him towards some support. I think that the first thing she needs to do though is reset her financial boundaries with him, I.e., I’ve financially supported you during your degree and Master’s, but now you need to start take financial responsibility for yourself. Great if you want to start a business, but I/your father can’t pay all the bills while you’re doing it.

....is it legal??
Why won't he tell you about it?
Or does he just think you will knock thr idea down....

Well, obviously at 25 he needs to be paying you rent - even if that's from his benefit money.

And he needs to be out of the house working every day - even if that is in a voluntary role.

If he cannot do those things due to laziness - ship him out.

If he has medical issues preventing him, then he must be responsible in seeing his GP.

You need to have a direct chat with him, clearly setting out your expectations.

Our son (21yrs) has just graduated with a first in software engineering but there's no work in that at the moment. He isn't idle though - he got himselfa job at Greggs and pays us £200/ month in rent.

We also have a 25yr old, disabled with ASD who's on full pip and UC but he can manage a few hours voluntary work per week and catch a bus independently.

If they are able to get out and work at 25, they must. It is far better for their mental health, confidence, skill set and sense of self worth.

Plus, it will give you a break and voluntary work is good to have on a CV