Adult daughter (25) trouble making friends and gets excluded

[CinderStar]

My daughter (25) has always had trouble keeping friends and often gets excluded from social events, and has difficulty with relationships. She is bright, attractive, intelligent, and talented, finishing MA at prestigious art college. However all through school, uni, and now, she makes friends but then finds herself excluded, especially by cliques. She may have ADHD of some sort, and this could explain things, but it is making her and me and my husband very unhappy. Has anybody got advice about what to do and how to change things for her?

How does she feel about the situation? Does she want friends?

She sounds very much like me, I think through my 20’s I hardly had any friends but then I did end up meeting dh and having dc early. My dd is now 20 and things seem very different from when I was that age. Dd has friends, she also has ASD and ADHD and didn’t really have friends through school, most of her friends are also on the spectrum, I think there are still times when she’s left out but it’s something she just expects and deals with.

I have had lots of friends over the years but not many have stayed friends, it doesn’t upset me, people come and go, some leave a mark wether it’s good or bad. I don’t really have many close friends but it doesn’t really bother me too much but I understand that some people would be bothered by it. Hopefully eventually your dd will find her people, I don’t think I really did until my 30’s and the friends I do have are probably all ADHD or ASD.

Finding your tribe is not as easy for everyone. Our daughter of almost the same age as yours was very similar, no close friends at high school, went into an apprenticeship and then moved to other jobs where there were no others her age. No relationships which I am aware of. I described her back then as a home bird and quite introverted. She does not suffer fools gladly but has the most amazing sense of humour. She now has 2 great groups of friends via the gym and recently moved out. But then, she has always done things her way and in her own time. Do not make a big deal, encourage her to get out and about and meet people with similar interests. She will find her tribe in her own time too, I am sure.

If you think that she may ND, have you discussed this with her?

How would she feel about seeking an assessment?

I see this is a conversation from May - so I'm coming to it rather late. It's 6 Nov and I've just got off the phone with my 20-yr-old daughter who started university in Sept (a year late). She was in tears - very depressed and saying she wants to come home (although I think she doesn't want to really). In August her boyfriend of 2 years broke up with her and she is (of course) still heartbroken. She says he was her only friend (they were at same school) and the only person who understood her. They are both at uni in Scotland and she has been in touch with him - he appears to be happy and moving on. She just feels abandoned and stuck - unable to even think about a life without him in it. I love my daughter but she can be hard work - emotional, moody, quite needy, not easy going. She is also pretty, bright, diligent and intelligent. It has been suggested to her that she's on the autistic spectrum and I could see that. Since Sept she has had a cold and now a long-term rash (seeing the GP for that), her first hall was grotty but she got to move. She has made some new friends but she feels they are superficial friendships and they all have best friends at home - and she has no-one. Her school friends faded away and even a close friend from Yr 7 stopped talking to her a couple of years ago. Maybe she was partly to blame - but I know some of those girls are just not very nice. In a nutshell she's very lonely, not really coping with her first term, the work and feeling that she'll never be able to be happy or have a best friend she can talk to. I understand her feelings (I've had times like that myself and I don't have any really close friends either). I just don't know what to say or how to help her.

That sounds so hard to hear as a Mum

You would probably get the best advice by starting your own thread under Higher Education but I'll try to help.

Would she be willing to speak to student services about how she's feeling? I can imagine she's quite overwhelmed right now.

She could talk to them about how she's feeling. Does she think ahead might be ND too? Have you ever talked about it?

It sounds as though she would benefit from trying an SSRI?

Has she joined any clubs? And is she giving time and attention to people on the outside of these cliques.

Thanks. I've told her to contact student services and will keep pushing her to try and talk to someone at uni. She has seen 2 different private counsellors in the past - but never gave them much of a chance unfortunately. And she's had anti-depressants which didn't help. She was assessed for ADHD by a psychiatrist - he felt she was just depressed. She's looking into getting an ASD assessment. She won't really talk to me or her father - it hurts but to some extent I understand. I probably wouldn't have talked to my mother either (but she died when I was 20 so I never got the chance really).

Why are you getting involved in your 25yr old daughter's friendship issues? I'm not getting at you but come on, she's an adult. Even if she does have ASD, she needs to learn to navigate these things on her own

Counselling is difficult if she is ND unless you happen to find a Counsellor who is experienced of helping young Women who are ND and mask and that can be really difficult to find.

I think VegTrug must be referring back to the first post by CinderStar. My daughter is just 20. But I think her response is harsh. If you have children, even as adults you'll always be connected to them - hopefully anyway. My sister's daughter is in her 40s and has 2 children but she still has problems and needs her parents' support. The problem my daughter and I seem to have is that she both does and doesn't want my help. She gives me clues to certain things (something quite major recently) but wants me to work out what has happened myself. She wants me to know things but doesn't feel able to be direct, I suppose. And I'm really not judgemental. I think she's in a mess emotionally and needs someone's help, even if it's not mine or her Dad's.

This was me throughout life. I even had to leave a girls holiday early due to them all turning on me for being honest. Woopsie. I’m diagnosed ADHD. At the moment my closest friends are mums I met up at the school who are also ADHD. So she needs to find her people ❤️❤️