DD and long term partner not speaking

[Jengadreads]

Hi all.

will try to keep this short, but here’s the back story. Met my partner 2018, DD (22) and him got on really well and he lived with us for 4 years. As DP is older (60) he’s not used to lgbtq terminology or gender. He’s never been in the environment before. My daughter is bi but with a long term male partner. Any accidental word used incorrectly DD would take offence. It wasn’t done very often but DD started holding a grudge.

last year I was really struggling with my mental health which became a massive strain on my relationship with DP. I’m ashamed to admit that one night due to alcohol we got in a psychical fight during an argument, I started it. It’s never happened before and I thought I wanted to end the relationship. I told my DD about it was the final strike for her.

After a few weeks DP and I began to talk again, realised where we went wrong, I started therapy and also couples therapy. I told DD and she went nuts which I understand and was expecting. She gave me an ultimatum of her or DP. At the time of course it would be my DD. It upset me so much to the point I wanted to try make us all happy. In the end we decided she was happy with us being friends and I told her I would never put her in an uncomfortable situation and allow him in the house or family events. she of course knows we have been back on a relationship for several months now.

my question is. How long can this go on for? I miss not living with my partner, we plan on getting married end of year too. I just want us all to be together again I just don’t know how long I can keep going living different lives. I feel torn in too. My DD has mental health issues so have tiptoed around her to keep things peaceful. She despises him yet we have been together for 6 years. I don’t know what to do. Can anyone give advice or been in this situation?

Honestly, this is a very difficult situation.

She knows there has been a physical fight between you and your DP and she's listened to you when you were struggling afterwards.

That's always going to colour her view of him - she can't not see that now.

I understand that you feel that the relationship is now OK following counselling and you want to get married, but she is always going to worry that there might be more physical fights which isn't good for everyone.

She might decide to watch and wait and try to be in the same room as the two of you but I'd be surprised if she was ever really happy you are together as she'll always be waiting for the next bust up.

Your partner at 60 is not of a generation where he doesn't know how to correctly refer to anyone either racially, on sexual or gender orientation or their physical ability yes his parents probably didn't but anyone under 70 definitely does....don't allow that. He knows he's offensive and doesn't care.

I have to agree. I'm not far off 60 and do understand. I will occasionally slip up, everyone can make a mistake but I would apologise if I did and hope that the other person took the action apology in good faith.

I also think your DD is worried for your safety. I can't imagine a scenario ever where my DH hit me. Even if I was violent with him. I just don't think he has it in him.

There must be more to this OP, why would you both have a fight? It can't have come out of the blue?