Guide to parenting adult children

[Kiki105]

I could moan all day long on this forum about my lazy, disrespectful, ungrateful DD and DS (20 and 22 respectively) who still live at home, but what I really need is a good advice book on how to parent adult children. Any recommendations gratefully received.

he obviously isn't trying hard enough, as he won't actually impose any consequences on the behaviour - nothing will change if he won't actually encourage/force them to move out.

You don't parent them, they're adults!
You have ground rules that they have to abide by or you give a deadline for moving out.
None of us lived permanently at home after 18 apart from uni holidays and a couple of months here and there when moving house etc.
But when we were there we would help out with housework, cook for the family, do food shopping, put loads of washing on including getting them dry and tidied away, clean up after ourselves, make a round of teas etc!
If they're working they should be paying rent towards bills and food.
They should be treating you and your home with the same respect as they would treat housemates in a share house, or their own homes when they have them.

@Londonnight that is such an unfair comment! How do you know how good mine and others parenting skills were when they were children.
My dc were very well behaved, good manners and had respect. I also think I provided good parenting when they became teenagers, they never got into trouble, didn't go out to all hours much, no drink/drug issues. The one thing missing in their teen years was a father to help with the parenting, support and back me up.
They just don't seem to want to be fully responsible adults at times. They both work full time, do their own washing (mostly), prepare food for themselves if I'm not cooking. The big issue is my DD who is just damn rude to me, belittling me when we discuss, sullen face, flits in and out using the place like a hotel. Her Bf and friends raise an eyebrow and do pick her up on it when they hear her attitude towards me but nothing changes in the long term. It's affected our relationship which is frosty most of the time.
My son is just lazy, and moans like a teenager when I ask him to do stuff. He just spends all his time on his computer when not at work. The battle is constant, they want me to parent and do everything for them and I'm constantly trying to push away.

If they are impossible to live with, you need to tell them that. They can find other options.

@lljkk believe me I have, many times.

"lazy, disrespectful, ungrateful DD and DS"

You raised them.

But as pp have said they are adults. If they don't sort their behaviour, they need to leave. Perhaps you are used to enabling or ignoring poor behaviour which is why you have lazy, disrespectful and ungrateful adult children.

@INeedToClingToSomething Yes I did raise them and I raised them well thank you!
People on here are so quick to judge without knowing all the facts.
I'm just looking for some positive advice rather than criticism.

Cut the sons internet access.
Stop the Dds friends and BF coming over until they can act like grown ups.

Get them to move out
. They'll be able to afford a room in a house share.

IME adult kids revert to being teenagers when they remain living at home before moving out.

My 20 year old is marrying his girlfriend this year and moving to Berlin.

@WittiestUsernameEver
Internet goes off at night be DS just connects his PC using his unlimited mobile data.
DD's friends rarely come in the house and bf is only allowed to stay two nights a week.

Generally most house rules I enforce sticks but they just treat the place like a hotel with their lazy ways. As I said earlier they do their own washing, bed changing and occasional meal but it's the selfishness, ungrateful attitude and sometimes the rudeness from my dd I can't I stand. They were not brought up to be this way but now they're adults they feel it's their right to be this way towards me. When they were young I could punish for such behaviour but not anymore.

Do you pay for his contract? If so , stop that

And for DD ... Boyfriend can't stay over until she grows the fuck up

@SwordToFlamethrower that I would love to happen to one of mine but at the same time sad to be losing one of them.
I don't like my dc most of the time but I still love them dearly.

@WittiestUsernameEver
They both pay me rent and yes they pay for the own phone contracts.
I have a plan that if nothing changes in the next couple of years I'm selling the house and buying a small place just for me

You don't need to parent them you .need to reset your boundaries. If they are not coming home they need to message, they need to contribute if not financially but definitely physically to the house hold so clean up after themselves ask if they want laundry done, etc etc mine stayed at home till they were 23/24 but I didn't parent them they had jobs and lives but .they were not allowed to treat the house like a hotel and I wasn't their maid.

I read that your dd is ungrateful and rude I'd ignore her totally don't even get into anything with her.

@Mrsjayy I do try but it's very difficult to ignore sometimes.

Yes it must be especially if she is constantly at you. How do you respond to her?

@Mrsjayy It depends on the situation and her mood. I try and reason with her but she has a habit of talking over me and not letting me finish what I have to say which winds me up even more and I end up shouting at her. Not good I know, but when you're being told by your own dd that you're pathetic and childish it's hard not not.

You have a good chat about expectations.

Dd1 and her partner moved back in with us in December. They were in the last stages of saving to buy their own place, dd1 is 25 and partner is 30.

We agreed to charge no rent as long as they saved and pulled their weight.

Most of the time they've been exemplary house guests. They do all their own washing, and if they're in the kitchen food gets cooked for us all, dishwasher gets emptied. They've kept their room amazingly clean compared to when dd1 last lived at home 5 years ago!! They're pleasant company but also don't intrude. Even though they both work shifts, we're never disturbed by them. They walk the dog.

Next week they get the keys to their first flat together. They're unbelievably excited. It's been great to be able to help them out!!

@weegiemum that's fantastic and clearly dd1 leaving home has made her grow up. I would absolutely do the same, no rent in return for them to respect me and my home in order to get keys to their own home. I hope your dd1 and bf will be very happy in their new home together.

Kiki105, I agree with you, some unfair smug comments. As I said my oldest left home at 16, live in groom. I collected her weekends and did her washing, there were no facilities for that in her stable conversion. I taught her to drive. She had a car, continued with horses, she paid "keep". My ex H was very strict. At 21, (now a single parent to her 2 young brothers, she lost her job,her own fault. Came to live with me (emergency accommodation) did nothing,no job,no benefits she had been paid cash in hand. I gave her a week to find a job and threw her out. It was the hardest thing I had ever done. She ended up living in her car,then with a waste of space for some years. Then started in banking, worked her way up, private banker to some famous people. Then managed some of the big 4 supermarkets.

@Nannyfannybanny thank you.
Sounds like you've had your challenges too. Good to hear it worked out okay for you and dd.

Thank you for this supportive post 😊 I am currently reading this thread for a bit of support myself as in similar situation to OP although mine only 19, dropped out of uni, suffering from MH issues. He has never been the tidiest or organised (tried all sorts when he was growing up) but very clever, worked hard at school etc. A couple of people have suggested he may have undiagnosed ADHD. I was skeptical as he is introverted but I have since learnt there is a type where the hyper bit is more internal. However if if there is an undiagnosed issue he still needs to manage as an adult so hence looking for some ideas. I do find the it's your fault, you didn't parent them properly type replies not very or helpful so although I have no advice for OP I do have sympathy and hope you can navigate through this tricky phase. Xx

Maybe need to examine why they have grown up to be lazy, disrespectful and ungrateful? Also they will be someone’s partner and parent - perhaps it’s not too late for them to change their ways