Breaking Point With Adult Child

[Couldhavedonebetter]

Name changed for this. It is long but I hope someone will read it through and give me some advice. my relatiinship, with my adult DD is at breaking point and I don’t know where to go with it. I will try to keep it concise but our relationship is quite complex and there is a lot more I cannot fit into this post.

When she hit her teenage years I also hit the menopause and I feel this is the time things started going wrong. I’m ashamed to admit to but our relationship started to be strained due to my behaviour. I can’t go into everything as would take too long. But to try and summarise

I was often a shouty sweary mother ( am generally a bit sweary anyway)
I had a very short fuse and got irritated very easily
I was quick to anger and to escalate things
I would react first and think later
I could be dismissive at times
She felt I never listened and invalidated her feelings often.
when she developed mental health problems I was slow to realise and was
not very understanding initially. We did get her the help she needed when we realised, through NHS and Private counselling but she says none of it helped.
I was very much of the pull yourself together mentality which with hindsight I release was not what she needed. I didn’t always respect her boundaries for example I would insist we talked about things even when she didn’t want to and this would then Lead to many arguments. These arguments became frequent until we were both locked into a pattern of very poor communication which has just continued over the years. I know as the parent and adult it was down to me to change this but somehow no matter how much we tried we would just fall into the same patterns even as she grew up and became an adult. 👨 The

Basically my communication skills were extremely poor I realise now I was emotionally immature and I just didn’t seem to have the skills to deal with a spiky teenager. I think I took a lot of normal teenage behaviours as personal or disrespectful to my authority as a parent. didn’t handle it correctly. I have caused her a lot of emotional damage, that is still with her. I just want to say I was never personally verbally abusive about her as a person, or her personality I was just impatient irritated, angry, emotionally unavailable, this caused her to lose trust in me, walk on eggshells around me and feel she could never come to me. Which I understand and don’t blame her for.

I have done a lot of self reflection and we have had heart to hearts . I have apologised to her and taken full responsibility for my actions, I told her none of it was her fault and it was all mine, that she deserved better and that I should have been better. And that I wished I could go back and change things and that I am truly sorry and regretful. She has said that it wasn’t all bad and that she still felt loved and that we gave her a nice life in many ways but it doesn’t make up for some of my behaviour. Which I fully acknowledge. She has asked me why I was like that and needs an explanation but I honestly don’t know why I have some theories,mbut don’t want to use them as an excuse. I had a very poor upbringing I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused. My parents were authoritarian and what they said went, my sibling and I were ruled by fear and intimidation. There was a lot of shouting and swearing, and no role models on how to deal with conflict. I swore I would be a better parent to my child and in some ways I have been, but feel I may have repeated some patterns, and I feel terrible that I did. however I do not want to use that as an excuse and I have intake full responsibility for my actions. but I wonder if I came to parenting with my own trauma and unresolved issues annd poor parental role models? But was still my responsibility to do better.

Moving onto present day my DD is now almost 24 she has applied every year for university for excellent courses and for one reason or another they have fallen by the wayside, some due to her, some due to reasons beyond her control. We have fully supported her throughout the last five years she has moved from one job to another never really staying anywhere long because she gets bored. in fairness she cannot work full time due to health conditions that cause her fatigue, so she does as many hours as she can we do not charge her a penny for food rent or anything at all. Her meals are cooked for her she does nothing in the house basically she has it quite easy at home. We have paid for her car and expensive holidays for her all of which she has gladly accepted. We do a lot for her and we will be supporting her through uni. For which we will struggle a bit financially but will just about manage.

By this age I was hoping our relationship would have moved onto a more adult footing. She is now a fully grown adult and my expectations are different. I don’t expect her to necessarily forgive everything I did in the past but I hoped as she grew and matured she could start maybe moving forward especially as I have taken full responsibility and acknowledged and apologised for what I have done. I have tried to make amends with her and I really want to move forward, but I fear she is unable to do this and actually as she has got older it’s almost feels she now has the power to hurt me back like I hurt her in the past. And in some ways things are worse between us. She has said some really hurtful things to me and refuses to apologise whilst admitting if It was anyone else she would, but because it is me she won’t, she has told me she is nicer to other people than me, that she doesn’t like being alone with me in case w have an argument but at this point I feel arguments are two way she is now a fully grown adult , surely she is now responsible for her own actions too. She says she loves me but I have doubts. And I wonder if it’s just that she is dependent on us she is still here.

When have pointed out all we have done,mand are doing, and how easy she has it, she says we are just being transactional. I’m not, just thought that as an adult she would be a bit more appreciative. She can be quite short with me and a bit comtemptuous of my older age and that I don’t understand technology and such like. I realise that many people will probably say I deserve it all and that I am just getting back what I gave and maybe that is fair I have asked myself that question.

I just feel that yes I made huge mistakes with her upbringing and I know I caused emotional damage that she is probably trying to work through and is why she is so angry and resentful and hurtful to me. I am trying to be understanding of that but her disrespect, coldness and behaviour at home is taking its toll on me even if I do deserve it in her eyes. Things have come to a head recently where she has said I have left amends too late I have blown it and you reap what you sow, and that nothing I do will change her low opinion of me. I think rightly or wrongly this is unfair hurtful and disrespectful of her whilst living the life she does in my home and that she expects us to fund her uni. And all the other things we do to support her and show her we lover her. Am I unreasonable to think she is an adult now and that she is responsible for her own actions and feelings,

I have offered to get her or both of us counselling but she has refused. I literally cannot say or do anything right in her eyes which I know stems from her hurt and anger towards me for the past but I cannot change it now, and I have apologised and acknowledged the hurt I caused I regret it deeply. it just doesn’t seem to be enough and we are at breaking point now.

If you have read all this thank you, please be kind I know what I have done and I already beat myself up about the past and have serious regrets. I love my DD and want a relationship and meaningful connection with her. Can anyone offer advice.

I just think you both need some distance from each other actually. You go on your own journey in life and its possible she hasn't really been on hers. She's still living at home, she's around you alot.. she's not going to have gained much perspective.
You absolutely have done the right thing by apologising for your mistakes as a parent but I think you have high expectations about your relationship. She wasn't just going to suddenly mature because you apologised. To get to a place where she can truly forgive you abd move forward with your adult relationship to each other, she needs space and time.
Doing everything for her and making no demands of her also keeps her in this young heads pace where she will still emotionally be a child.... she just hasn't really lived yet, she doesn't have the life experience to meet you as an adult yet.
I'd just give her space. Ideally she needs to live away from home and take care of herself for a while so she can grow as a person.
It sounds like you are a good person who tries their best. You've made mistakes in the past but you are very insightful and the fact you even own your mistakes and actually care about the impact they had on your daughter, makes you a much better parent than many!
One day your daughter will appreciate how hard you worked to try to be close to her. But don't force it too much. Don't overthink it too much. You may view 24 as an adult but she is still young abd has mental health issues.. I dont imagine her emotional regulation is that great. So try not to react or take it personally that she is still a bit edgy with you... these things take time and it sounds like you both put great work in.

she has told me she is nicer to other people than me, that she doesn’t like being alone with me in case w have an argument but at this point I feel arguments are two way she is now a fully grown adult , surely she is now responsible for her own actions too.

She doesn't have the same baggage and background in her relationships with other people. Yes, she's an adult. But she's still young and emotionally fraught and it's all recent in her past. Her teenage years aren't far behind her. They're a much bigger chunk of her life than they are of yours. It's not surprising that it still looms over her and that it affects her.

She can approach her relationship with others in two ways that are different from her relationships with you. Firstly, they're likely to be on more of an equal setting, even where there is a power imbalance, because at work the expectation is professionalism and fair treatment, not an emotional interpersonal tangled-up-together relationship. She can't have that with you, even now she's no longer a child, because you're her mother and until recently you had all the power over her. Secondly, her relationships with others can start from nothing. Her relationship with you is the product of her whole life.

Nobody is responsible purely for their own feelings. We have emotions and feelings in response to how people treat us and behave towards us, and how they have treated and behaved towards us in the past. Sometimes, the same behaviour that can be easily dismissed from one person can be very hurtful emotionally from another, because of that past.

Helping and supporting her materially is great, but it's not all. You also need to support her on an emotional level. Stop talking about how 'we do all these things for you and you have it easy' unless it's a direct response to her saying 'you do nothing for me, my life is so difficult'. Fostering a sense of guilt on her won't work. These are two different things. If your daughter is saying 'I don't feel supported by you emotionally' (because of what you yourself acknowledge), it's not a response to say 'but we support you in all these ways materially', because these are different needs.

How do you behave towards her now? It's good that you've apologised and acknowledged to her you shouldn't have acted towards her like you did. I'm sure she can be annoying and hurtful - as can we all. But because you're not starting out from a comfortable relationship where you both feel assured with each other, it's all the more important to try to react calmly and reasonably, even when you feel she's not, and to try basically to go further away from what you were doing wrong in the past. If for example she felt constantly criticised, try not to criticise her at all, or make comments about what you feel she should be doing instead, even if you think they're light, because the area is sensitive.

@Starsandflowers Thank you for your kind and insightful response. I do think you are correct in that although she is 24 it does still feel at times I am dealing with a dependent child/ teenager. She is stuck in that mentality because of the past and the fact she has not really been independent yet. also a good point about her emotional regulation. maybe I am expecting too much of her sometimes it’s hard not to, when I was 24 I worked , paid bills, had my own place etc but I know things were different then As far as what we do and material things I don’t mean to sound like I constantly remind of her of what we do materially and financially, we don’t, we do also support her emotionally and practically with her health. We support her dreams of getting to university, and we do a lot of things on a practical level to help when she gets overwhelmed or anxious about things. She is told she is loved and she is encouraged in lots of ways . I agree she does need to,live away and hopefully she is going to university this year. I am hoping the space and distance and growing maturity will give her some perspective. you saying that too gives me some hope for the future. It’s just difficult living under the same roof at the moment. I really hope she does realise how much I love her and that I made mistakes but was doing my best.
@Precipice thank you for the good advice especially about her being nicer to other people that hurt. As did her saying she would always apologise to other people before me. Because it’s me. You are right she doesn’t have the baggage with other people that she does me and she is still emotionally fraught maybe I am expecting too much of her maturity wise. I do understand her feelings towards me are a more complicated because of our past , the mistakes I made and our emotional entanglement I take that on board. I am not trying to make her feel guilty for all we do, I know it’s is our job as parents to do a lot of it. But I do feel that as an adult you do have to take some responsibility for your own actions that may lead to disagreements, I have been trying to act calmly and reasonably for a long time now and told her it is because I want us to relate better to Each other on an adult to adult level but I think she is still the hurt injured child emotionally which I understand but does not help us to move forward. You are also right in that some comments I would deem inoffensive or just idle chat I have found out she has been sensitive and upset about even years after the comment. So I do walk on eggshells around her because I don’t know what I might say that will put her brick wall back up and say hurtful things to me. I just don’t know how to traverse this until she goes to university but I have more to reflect on.

This is a really tricky situation.

My DD and DS both had mental health issues when they were teens and DD had physical health issues as well.

My DS recently said to me that when he was 17 it was the worst year of his life. His life has improved since then.

I wasn't able to be there for both of them (in part because I am quite badly disabled myself). I have apologised to both of them,
My ExH (we were together at the time) also wasn't there for them and was quite dismissive of what they were going through,

The thing is, the apology is just the start of a new relationship. You've said that you behaved badly and you are sorry but if your child had mh issues they are not going to be able to shake it off with just an apology from you.

Maybe you said to them that they were difficult and making it up and attention seeking. That sort of thing really stays with a person. It can impact their self esteem and their confidence and their ability to just get out into the world and build an adult life.

I don't know what you said and what you did. But I can tell you it will have impacted your child a great deal and it may well take years before they can begin to have a normal adult relationship with you that isn't haunted by what you said and did.

None of us are perfect but you can make this work be honest and be kind

It’s difficult but I agree that once they move out and boundaries can happen, it is a good opportunity to slowly mend fences.

At the age of late teens it does coincide with peri menopause in mothers. I had that too, together with severe anaemia needing infusion by drip and thyroid problems that left me completely exhausted and irritable. I also spent a lot more time parenting her younger brother with ASD and severe behavioural issues. It affected my ability to be more present for my daughter a few years ago, as she was experiencing her own set of problems, although she eventually did confide them. She has similar feelings to your daughter, I neglected her emotional well-being and I wish I could have done better.

She still does tell me the important stuff in her life and turns to me when she has difficulties but is very close to a good group of supportive friends, like your daughter. I am very happy they are there - they all have their heads screwed on and they are fun.

I wasn’t particularly close to my mother at that age as I wanted to be independent and it was only later on after I had kids when we became close again. So there is that natural desire to separate from parents at that age anyway.

So I focus on being supportive practicably, such as picking her up from the station, helping her buy a car and looking after her cats at night so she can socialise more. We have a shared love talking about politics / the news and debate so those are our good topics.

She will move out soon to the other side of the city to be closer to work and I feel this is going to be a very good thing for both of us. I plan to suggest regular dinner dates so that I can be present but look forward to watching her become more independent with her living skills and gain maturity.

With the fatigue and other health issues it sounds like your daughter is still carrying a lot of trauma and her nervous system is on fight flight or freeze. The best thing you can possibly do is get her into some somatic therapy to calm her system down. It will release tension and improve her executive functioning

I've had a few fraught times with my DD. I realised that when I saw her it was making me tense as I was expecting the latest barrage of abuse so I made a conscious effort to smile at her, like I was so pleased to see her, every single time I saw her.

I definitely didn't feel it at first but as time has gone on, it's really worked. She's now much more relaxed around me and we spend some time doing things together, but it's very much on her terms.

Could you suggest therapy for her again and are you getting any therapy?

Where's her dad in all of this?

And does your DD currently work?

Were you on HRT (I'm asking this partly as a personal question for me, as I was feeling the "rage", but it's calmed down since HRT and I'm hoping it stays that way, but also wondering if you did all you could through the difficult times to improve your behaviour?

@CadyEastman We have both had therapy things would improve for a while but somehow we would slip back into our old patterns of communication
we would slip into our old patterns of communicating.
@Happyinarcon thank you I will look II to that.
@WalkingaroundJardine she gets a lot of practical support with a lot of things. Like you we have lots of good conversations about all sorts of things, we will watch tv programs together, we both like to read and have shared books, so our relati8nshiomis not fraught all of the time, but there is an undercurrent, and we both walk on eggshells around each other.
@Octavia64 thank you, I agree things I have said or did will possibly stay with her. And I know it may take time for us to repair that we are working on it.
@JungleJimmy Her dad worked away a lot. and wasn’t always there. And honestly, at first I did not always do the best I could have, ( hence my name change] I initially just thought it was just mother daughter teenage stuff. But I when I realised how bad things were getting I did go to counselling. And things would improve for a while. But didn’t stay that way.

Since posting this, my DD and I have had a very frank and open discussion some things were difficult for me to hear, but needed to listen and accept.
we feel we have made some progress in trying to understand each other, but agree more work needs to be done. And that distance, space, and time will be needed. I am feeling hopeful.

Obviously she has mental health problems but sounds like it’s become an excuse for not being an adult. Maybe some tough love is in order

You've both had a frank discussion..good. but..if she keeps bringing it up ammo.. write her a letter..apologise once more about the past, but in that letter tell her this will be the last time you apologise and wont be emotional beaten up about it when you both have a spat.
Draw up boundaries now.
Be kind but forthright. She is abusing your kindness knowing she can bring up the past and you feel guilt about that so you help her out... again. Tell her it ends here. You'll be there for her but wont be guilt tripped..you dont have to tell her that you see her behaviour..just draw up those boundaries with yourself.

I just wanted to say that good on you for your honesty and willingness to look at what has happened and apologise and try to make changes that work for you all. Obviously I don't know what went on, but if either of my parents had acknowledged their shortcomings / errors, which have had serious long term impacts for all, I think it would have made a difference to all of us, them included.

Sounds like space, like other posters have said, may help. Good luck.

Your DD sounds like a spoilt brat to me. And you're not helping matters by wearing a hair shirt to punish yourself and indulging her materially and emotionally.

Move on, OP, and let your DD do the same. I don't think the "frank" discussions are really helping.

Provide a roof over her head til she goes to uni but charge her rent and let her fund her own holidays. My DD(19) is at uni and is paying for her holidays with friends this summer.

Let her be a grown up and look after yourself, OP. We're doing our adult children no favours by saying they have mental health issues all the time.

It sounds like she plays you like a fiddle.

I admire you OP for being honest and thoughtful and willing to apologise.

My mum and I were in a similar pattern (she is never going to apologize though!) and like your daughter I suffer a long term physical health condition (causing pain and fatigue)

We both say going to University was the best thing I did. Getting time away from the house helped me come back and appreciate it more, understand more etc. Having to wash your own dishes really helps you realize all your mum has done for you.

So I'd get focussed on getting everything set up to allow her to go in September.

I think the post from Loubelle70 is very sound advice. My own "D"M abs I have a very fractured relationship and although she was abusive and neglectful she has never once apologised. I think Loubelle's way of apologising and then drawing your own boundaries is excellent.

Since having my DD I've very much had my eye in the relationship I want us to have in the future.

It's good that you've had Counselling. Do you think it's worth trying again?

I was a far from perfect mother. OP, I think well of your self awareness and honesty. It's rare and hard to do. I honestly think you need two separate lives now. Your DD needs to be a full adult in how she lives, if she's to be a "full adult" in her behaviours and relationships. She's living like a child - under your roof, same place patterns and so on as she did as a child. She's doing well it sounds like, to try and change her side of the dynamic, but given the past I'd imagine it's so hard for her to grow and do the emotional separation that's needed to be a full adult, while she's still so dependent on her parents/mum.

I wish you both well. My own DD forgave me from that adult place, only once she'd lived alone, built her own adult life, made HER life rather than hanging on to the tail ends of her childhood life. Keep working on yourself, as the more stable, happy, balanced, open you are, the easier it will be for her to relate to her as a "new" mum different from the one who caused such distress to her. You still have a chance to role model and teach her all kinds of great things, by doing that.