Sleeping with adult children living at home

[Bluebuddha10]

Hi. Not really an AIBU but looking for advice.
My adult DD is currently living at home, moved back after university and just working out next steps. She cannot afford to move out at the moment, renting is so expensive, and is using the opportunity of living here to save some money (she is working). That's all fine, very happy with the arrangement. We get on very well, she is very respectful, shares chores etc. My issue is that when she goes out at night with her friends, I find it really hard to switch off and sleep. She is not a big drinker, and always gets home safely etc. - but for some reason I cannot sleep until she is home. Occasionally this could be 4 or 5 in the morning - not often and usually only at weekends - but it means the next day I am exhausted which impacts on any plans I have for the day. Its really frustrating and really not necessary. She doesn't come home really drunk, or isn't even noisy, it's just something in my sub conscience that makes me worry until she's home safe. How can I break this? Not sleeping is the pits and there is really no need for it!

When I was in a similar position as a daughter, my DM and I solved this by me giving a quick call at around 2am (when the clubs closed) if I was going to a a party and I’d let her know who I was with.

She then got to sleep fine, and she was usually up that late on a Friday/Saturday watching films anyway.

We got into a little routine where I would tell her what:who and she would ask me to bring home milk or something.

If that’s too late a time for you, it could equally be midnight or when the pubs shut.

Also, this was the before mobile phones were a thing and I just used a phone box, but these days it could easily be a text. They said, you might find the actual sound of a voice more reassuring.

I realised it wasn’t a controlling thing, it was a safety check, like leaving your climb plan with the mountain rescue.

I always thought id be like this but now im old and middle aged my head hits the pillow and im out like a light. Im up for the loo in the night and check who's in then

Look up sleep techniques?

I don’t think you should ask her to call as PP suggests as that would be a way of passing your anxiety on

I agree about the sleep hygiene techniques to help with winding down. Maybe a meditation app (e.g., Calm) might help too. Another option on top of this might be to ask the GP to prescribe melatonin capsules (the immediate release version used for jet lag)? Very unlikely to have any side effects as it’s a natural hormone and could help you feel more sleepy and switch off. You don’t have to take it everyday so could just take it when you know she’s going out.

I agree with the recommendation to look up sleep techniques and work out what helps you. I would also suggest a chat to the GP about your anxiety/struggles sleeping and see whta they suggest.
I wouldn't ask your DC to call you, as that'll just make your anxiety worse if she can't call you for any reason. If she's in a club till 5am it might be too loud to call / signal might be poor, lots of clubs don't allow re-entry so leaving to call you might not be possible. It's also unfair to put the burden of your anxiety on your DC.

Thanks all. I don't think getting dd to call or text will help tbh. Weirdly, I don't feel particularly anxious or worried about her being out, but must be something deep down that plays havoc with my sleep. I think there are some improvements I could do around sleep hygiene though. Thanks for the tips 😊

I was the same when ds(20) first started going out clubbing etc. Even though I knew he was sensible, never courted trouble, was reasonably skilled at diffusing situations, and had a great group of friends that watched out for each other. He is the type of lad that would walk a girl he knew safely home and then not think how he was getting home after and that worried me that he might get jumped.

I just couldn't sleep until he was home and I was a walking zombie every weekend. The worry eased off after a few years months.

I’m exactly the same OP. My dc have moved out now but I had awful trouble sleeping when dd especially was living at home.
I would just be waiting to hear her coming in before I could relax. But tbh she went through a period of going out a lot when she was single and I didn’t know what time she would be in or where she was but that’s a whole different story!
She did settle down and was very sensible after that but still I couldn’t settle. No amount of relaxation/sleep techniques etc made any difference either.
You have my sympathy.