Problems with adult daughter

[Bonkersblonde]

Not sure if I need advice or just to vent

My 23 yo daughter left my home 2 years ago to move in with a friend. That didn't work so she then moved in with her dad (we're amiably separated). Her boyfriend was also living there. Both were working after she had a spell of unemployment and after he'd really had enough of them (lack of paying rent, leaving mess about, generally being difficult) they moved in with his parents. She then lost her job (temp contract not renewed) just before Christmas and things fell apart with his parents so they've ended up here 6 weeks ago.

Her working life has been littered with temp jobs and her either quitting or being let go. She’s got few qualifications so can’t apply for anything particularly well paid. She says she wants to work but I think she just wants to either lie in bed all day (what she’s doing now and has done for years) or have a job land in her lap.

Since they moved in I can see little evidence of job seeking and I've had rent off them for 1st 3 weeks- nothing since (he's working).

They drink too much and although he's up and out for work, I've just tried to rouse her and it's impossible.

I've just retired and normally rent my spare rooms out to generate income but they're occupying one and not paying rent regularly.

I'm at the end of my tether with it and just can't see a way out. They also fall out regularly and he stomps off to his parents but it back the following day all hearts and flowers again

They're both 23

Help!

@Bonkersblonde please don't take my comments as attack as that's not how I intended them .

I am not blaming you , believe me I know how hard it is .

I just don't think the whole just kick her out thing is a solution. This isn't a LTB post . Despite being an adult , she is still your child and it sounds like she doesn't have the life skills .

I see young women like this , often from perfectly good , loving homes but no direction in life . They bounce from low paid job to low paid job (often in retail or the catering industries) and end up with dysfunctional men (not saying that about her current bf) .

Well they are pulling the same shtick with you that they have on all their other bolt holes before you. You need to get tough. They have money for alcohol but not you! That is their priority.
Sit them down and (if you want to be soft) help them make a budget - money for his debts, the rent to you, food etc then what is left for saving and fun.
Stand over them whilst they set up a standing order to you for the rent and check it with an eagle eye to make sure it is paid and pull them up when it isn't. Have some house rules - no arguing etc.
Presuming you want to let them stay.

Sounds difficult and they have pulled the same stunt on different family members now.

• He needs to go back to his adoptive parents. He isn't paying rent. So off he go's.

This way at least it's only your DD you are dealing with and some consequences have happened. His parents can kick him up the arse. Might motivate him to pay rent elsewhere.

• Serious tough love for your DD. If she isn't pulling her weight do not make her life easy.

-No rent= you do not supply food, WiFi , you don't do her washing etc -Boyfriends do not stay over. You need some motivation for her to want to move out. If she wants to live with him she has to find a way to pay for rent somewhere else. That means working.

• Support her accessing training or work. She is now expected to work though. Never give her money. For christ sake at 23 she should be functioning independently by now.
• She needs to be getting up every morning. If any depression going on staying in bed will make this worse. So up and out she go's.

Good luck