Step Daughter

[sxround]

I have a 20 year old step daughter that lives with myself and her mum (my DP)
We have a good life and no major dramas for which I feel blessed. I do however at times feel a touch pushed out of the equation which I know is childish and pathetic of me but it sometimes hurts.
I have been in my stepdaughters life for 8 years (so known her since she was 12) and we do get on well, although I am not “Dad” to her I am the only father type figure she has known. She is slightly autistic, and is very home focussed, but it just hurts when I see how she always goes to her mum and they have lots of girly secrets. She is a good kid and I love her like my own, and I know I am being silly here. As an example…they are always having hugs etc but she never comes to me for a hug to say goodbye or anything.

You're bothered by the bond an Autistic Woman has with her Mum?

I agree, the focus should 100% be on you. And of course she should hug you even if it makes her uncomfortable.

If it helps... I am not autistic and my parents are still together BUT I talk to my mum daily and see her as a best friend. My dad is my dad. I love them both the same, but I always hug my mum goodbye and rarely my dad. It's just a different relationship. I think this comes from your insecurity probably due to being a step parent. No real advice but what you've described sounds completely 'normal' to me. I'd just make peace with it 🙂

What???

You are jealous of a mother daughter bond. ?

Have you tried making first move and hugging her?

Crumbs some harsh answers here! I think it’s nice you want a close relationship with her. Step parents can’t win can they!

Yikes. So a grown ass man is jealous of an autistic young woman being close to her mum?

My two DDs are autistic. It's different, and you can feel indifference when your stepD is simply feeling unsure about being close to you.
Look for a different kind of bond. If she's very homey, what does she like to do that you would share?

I have autistic children (15&12) and they're very close to me and always want hugs ... unless they don't then it's a definite 'no'
Don't be jealous, just be pleased your wife has such a good relationship with her disabled child it's unreasonable to interfere with that

You've been present in her life for a significant period without establishing much of a connection with her. Have you attempted to foster a bond by engaging in activities aligned with her interests, such as watching TV or cooking together? Would the mother be open to this? If despite your efforts she hasn't warmed up to you, it's possible that she simply doesn't feel affection toward you, despite your love for her.

Considering the circumstances, it might be worth considering ending the relationship and seeking one where you feel included, perhaps with someone who doesn't have children. After eight years, it's unlikely that things will change, as you can't force someone to develop feelings for you..or show interest.

Regarding the mother's role in the situation, it's perplexing why she would enter into a long-term relationship if she is unable or unwilling to facilitate inclusion.

It's understandable that the daughter's adverse reactions and rudeness are challenging. While she doesn't have to display physical affection, basic manners and respect such as saying goodbye within her capabilities should be encouraged.
Discipline should be enforced, when the daughter is being rude to you.

Your feelings are valid.

Ultimately, it might be best to part ways unless you are content with remaining an outsider in the relationship.

OP people are either autistic or not autistic.
Nobody is "slightly autistic".

We have an ASD Dd. She always comes to me for problems and cuddles. All her life. Dh is her father, but I’m her emotional
support

Why would she want a hug from you?
Some people are just not very into hugs. The list of people I like to hug is very, very short. A step parent would never make the list, even if they were lovely and I cared about them a lot.

I'm sure she values you a lot, even if she's not in the habit of hugging you.

Op ignore the nasty posts on here. What I get from your op is that you'd like to be closer to her which is a lovely thing. So many parents claim their partner makes no effort.. you want to.

You might find it changes as the years go by. Some people just aren't tactile.. I'll bet she really values you though.

Not sure why you are perturbed about close mother and daughter relationship and hugging each other? And upset that she doesn't want to hug you? If you have a good relationship, that is alot to be thankful for. Celebrate!

It sounds like a lovely close mother/daughter relationship.

I don't see any reference to your emotional connection with your DSD. Feeling emotionally close is what leads to expressions of physical affection. This emotional closeness may just not be there between you and your DSD, which makes you feel left out when you see her have this with her mum.

Rather then focusing on the external situation you might try being curious about your reaction and feelings.

Did you receive emotional warmth and hugs from your parents? Did you feel emotionally close to them, like you could talk easily with them and be yourself? Maybe there are emotional aspects of your partner's and DSD's relationship that you would like to experience fot yourself?

Lots of people go to counselling to develop their capacity for emotional connection with others, and it can be very rewarding to do so.