I feel too involved to give good advice

[BorgQueen]

To my DD about her relationship breakdown.
Her partner of 7 years and Father of her 5yo has left the family home, completely out of the blue. He gave her ‘the script’ and admitted a fling, she’s devastated and furious, as am I and her Dad.
He did this while his parents were away so he could stay there, it must have been planned.
I’m biting my tongue, being sympathetic and just letting her vent, I feel like I can’t give my honest opinion of him in case they might get back together.
I’d like to rip his throat out for causing such pain.

I did childcare from 6 months old and now do before and after school x 4 days so have been very involved with their life, we’ve all been on holiday and socialised with his family regularly too.

It’s all the more awful because he has older children who lived with them every weekend/ half the holidays, DD is very close to them, we consider them our Grandchildren - he has ruined 5 lives with his actions and had a massive impact on me and DH.
Only a few months ago he was saying that DD had ‘saved’ him when his Wife left and took his ( v young at the time) kids away. DD has bent over backwards to accomodate them, it went from EoW at first to Fri eve - Sun afternoon over the last 18 months, there was even talk of having them full time as his ex Wife now has 2 other kids under 5.

I also feel ‘Mum guilt’ over the fact that we can’t buy him out of the house for her and it will have to be sold - it feels like my second home because I’m there so much!
It’s a big, beautiful house and I feel sad that she won’t afford anything like it on her own. Grateful that she has a well paid career and can afford to support herself and Dgc though.

When I saw he’d cleared out the older kid’s bedrooms I felt quite sick. DD can’t bear to go in them.

DgC seems to be taking it in their stride thankfully, spent the weekend with Dad and older siblings, ( even though it killed DD ) knows that Dad is getting another house, it’s early days though.
If you’ve read this saga, thank you.

I’m struggling to get my head round it all,

I’m in awe that DD is coping so well.

All you can do is what you're doing. Having been in (roughly) her position I didn't want my parents to alag my ex off. It hurt too much. I just needed them to be my safe place, which they were. A place where I could vent, or get support. Or talk about something completely different and not have him mentioned.

I felt ashamed and foolish and the one or two times my dad said something about my ex I just felt awful and like I needed to defend myself, or him, or my choices.

Just keep being the safe space for your DD

I’d just stick to being sympathetic and supportive of what she wants and not criticise him.

Draw his face on a potato and stab it with a fork. ..
What an utter cunt.

I’m trying to stick to practical matters.
While DgC was at school on Friday I cleaned the house and did all the washing - she’s off with DgC for the easter break so I didn’t want her to have to spend time cleaning.

It’s going to take time to get used to just her and DgC after a chaotic and busy house full.
She’s not in a rush to sell the house, he’s got a lot of sorting out to do but apparently no time to do it, she’s told him to book a week off work and a skip !
hopefully he’ll stick to his promise of paying half the mortgage although once he’s renting a 3 bed house he might not be so keen.

It's so hard to watch your DC in pain. She is lucky to have you and her Dad so firmly in her corner. All you can do is try to offer unwavering support and maybe do something nice with her over Easter to distract her from missing her step children. Will she still get to see them sometimes?

She’s on good terms with their Mum thankfully but they live 40 miles away.
She has seen them briefly when dropping off/ picking up DGC from Dad but his youngest (8) is apparently missing her terribly. She’s mentioned taking them out with my DGC over Easter but her ex has pulled his face at that.