Son making his wife cry

[Baglady56]

My granddaughter tells me things that happen at home in all innocence. I just listen and say very little but sometimes it really upsets me.
she told me today my son isn’t very nice to mum and sometimes make her cry. Well he has in the past treated me like this and it’s awful. He’s very bad tempered at times probably stress but this shouldn’t be happening to his lovely wife. Any suggestions of how I could help with this I don’t want to interfere but he’s got to be told that his child is clearly not liking this and you don’t treat your wife/ mother like this.

This is sad to hear. How old is your grandchild? Do you think your son is abusive?

It sounds like your granddaughter is witnessing domestic abuse. How’s your relationship with your dil?

I'd approach my DIL and say what DGD had told me. I'd tell her that you are her ally and if she needs help to come to you.

Keep her on your side OP.

He just seems to raise his voice a lot. He never lashes out. The sad thing is my ex was similar and it looks like history is repeating itself

How do you know he never lashes out?

Talk to your dil and let her know he's an abusive arsehole and if she wants to talk about their relationship you're open minded enough to listen, and to support her should she find the strength to leave. Encourage her to do so for the sake of your gc, and mean it.

i would treat it as your grandaughter asking for help and let them know. if shes told you shes probably telling friends and school - which i doubt the family want everyone talking about them or assuming hes abusing his family.

It is very important that you let your DiL know that you support her.
I lived with my ex and his mum for a couple of years and he was horribly abusive. Only one time did she say anything. It was awful. She tacitly accepted her son being an utter asshole.

Your son is being abusive to his wife and your grandchild sees it. It is affecting both of them. I am proud of you that you want to do the right thing. Speak with the DiL and let her know that you know and that you support her- in whatever form that takes.

Stress, eh?

You've minimised his treatment of you and that's why he thinks it's OK to treat his wife the same way.

Talk to your daughter in law. Tell her your son is out of line and offer her your full and unwavering support. The two of you could do an intervention.

And above all stop making excuses for his abuse.

He never lashes out? He does lash out - he shouts, that's verbal lashing out. Your DIL and GD are being abused by your son. You need to offer them support and stop minimising his behaviour.

Again, your comment on raising his voice a lot BUT never lashing out is minimising.

Shouty people make other people afraid. Shouty people make other people's lives stressful.
Shouty people are abusive. They shout in order to control and silence those around them. They usually do it behind the walls of their own homes, and once they have successfully snared a victim either through marriage, a mortgage, or having a child.

You don't see the shouty side at work because they understand very well how to keep a lid on it in an environment where they are expected to behave in a civil fashion. So it's not 'stress' that causes them to abuse their families and make their wives cry. It's the desire to hurt others, to feel powerful.

Shouty fathers make their children afraid, and their daughters end up stuck with abusive men.

This must be really hard for you to hear :(
What about starting with taking to the Mum?

I agree.

I’m really sorry this is happening - it must be heartbreaking to hear. It is a good thing that you can relate to being on the receiving end of such behaviour, and that you recognise your DiL and GDDs innocence in the situation.

Agree with pps that you should create an appropriate moment to do so and reach out to your DiL.

Please be aware that this could turn into a very difficult process for you because, even if as a woman, you feel deeply for her I imagine you love your son and it may be very challenging to reconcile what she might confide with the child you raised and care for. My instinct is to suggest you give yourself a (small) window of time in which to think through a DN prepare yourself a bit for this difficulty, and for the possibility that you might discover things are are worse than you currently imagine.

As someone who used to live with a man who made me cry (and whose then 9 year old daughter even called him out on doing so to his face on at least one occasion) all I can say is that what the children saw was the tip of the iceberg. I was working so hard for them not to be aware of how desperate and miserable I really was, and I cried much, much more alone or in front of him than I ever did when they were present.

If you potentially see a repeating pattern here from his father’s behaviour, or think his father was also “shouty” and made you sad it would be well worth reading Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? which you can download on kindle/Apple Books apps. You might find it helps contextualise your experience a bit and/or that it gives you some context for what your DiL is experiencing and some tools to help. It’s a really compassionate book with some incredibly valuable insight to offer.

It may help to remember, if and when you feel torn about the situation, that what you can provide is some safety for your GC and that is likely best done by ensuring her mother feels she really can depend on your support. You can’t control what your son or your DiL do, but you can offer to be there for HER and your GDD. Do let DiL know that (if she feels able to confide) you will not minimize or dismiss her feelings, or excuse your son’s behaviour. That you want HER to be ok, either inside or outside the marriage, and that you will support her so she and your GC can live in safety.

Good luck.

Sorry some typos - a ND was meant to say AND

I suggest you advise your DIL to threaten to leave him. This is what my MIL did and I am so grateful. The threat worked eventually.