Adult kids living at home

[Kiki105]

My 22 year old son still lives at home and I can't see him moving out anytime soon.
He doesn't do much around the house but does do his own washing and will change his bed sheets if asked.
I want him to be independent as much as possible while he lives with me so my question is: should I encourage him to do his own food shopping so he learns how to budget for this and buys what he wants to eat and learns how to cook (we have different tastes so I don't cook much firm him now anyway).
I'd be interested to hear your views on this. TIA

Honestly I’d just do whatever works for you rather than overthinking how to do it in the ‘right’ way.

So many people we know have their 20 something even 30 something adult kids still at home, and everyone seems to do it differently. From not charging rent at all to about £400 per month, and from not lifting much of a finger especially in cooking for themselves, to living pretty much independently just under the same roof. All of my department at work either still live with parents or are parents with adult dc at home, bizarrely without exception. It’s so common.

We have our late 20 ds just moved back for a variety of reasons after living dependently for a decade and we probably do the middle ground. Nominal rent but he buys and cooks for himself, I do most of the housework still, and would rather have control of my washing machine and the washing.

Sorry ‘independently for a decade’

Having dropped out of Uni early on (thanks to Covid) he missed out on that independence and was actually enjoying it so I want him to mature and not be reliant on a woman to do everything for him (like my ex-H).
He gets a meal at work each day so there's not much desire to eat a big meal in the evening anyway but shopping for himself gets him out occasionally and away from his PC which is his life when he's not working.
This kind of brings me onto the other issue - his addiction to gaming and socialising online only (he has no friends locally) so this is a way to break up his week to do something for himself.

My eldest son lives with me at 31 years old. We live pretty independently, but will cook for each other occasionally. Housework is shared, as we both live here and he pays a small amount of keep. We rub along nicely and I'm not in a hurry for him to move out, just because convention says he should.

My DS is at home (just me and him). He pays rent proportional to his earnings. Luckily we both agreed on what the appropriate sum was. He does his own washing, shopping, cooking etc, shares other chores. I personally think that the most harmonious way to do it, is treating it like a house share. I don't think it does any good to continue to "parent" them once in their 20's/30's etc. I need to know that if I dropped dead tomorrow, that he could cope!

It took a little while to make the transition of him understanding that if he did something around the house, he wasn't doing it "for me"! But I just reminded him it was for us, and he soon got it.

We have a combination of factors at play, we live in London, he has ASD and while he has lived independently (he worked abroad) he wasn't that keen on it. I'm not sure he was really ready at that point. He doesn't want a relationship either. Not sure if that's down to the ASD or he would have felt that way anyway. So he might always be here. We get on very well, the occasional bicker but never a full blown argument.

It works for us. He gets cheap rent, I benefit from not having to pay all the bills by myself. If he wasn't here I would need to get a lodger so it's better that it's family.

With regards to the gaming, my DS is also into that. I think ultimately it's up to him what he does in his free time. My DS has made loads of friends through it though and they have gaming meet ups, or sometimes all go out for dinner, that kind of thing, so he is socialising too. Maybe you could encourage your DS to think about doing something like that. There's actually a lot going on in "the gaming community". My DS has travelled all over the country to events, even to America once.

Hi, I'm in a similar situation. My son is 27 and not working, he lives at home, does nothing to help me, but will do his own washing. I feel the pressure to 'do the right thing' so support and guide. But it is only me and him, and I'm tired from doing it all. I work but am on minimum wage, scrape by every week, barely have time to cook for myself so many days go without any real food. He doesn't offer to cook, and I've given up asking. He spends his £84 a week on going out and take outs. I can only dream of having £84 a week pocket money! I feel mean but should I ask for help towards the cost of living?

Our DS is at home , he gives me £65 per week, his GF also stays over about 3 evenings a week and it covers their food but that’s it. We don’t need the money though and they are both good company. I have nothing to do with his washing or his bedroom at all. He unpacks and packs the dishwasher every day, will take out the bins and then do the occasional chore like hoover the whole house, usually if I have asked though he had a study day at home and did a few things without asking. He earns a very decent wage doing a degree apprenticeship but is saving for a house deposit as is his GF plus she has student debt.

@Pennypens DS signed on for about 4 months after he finished his A levels it was in lockdown and was awarded £64 per week until he got a job. He gave us £20 per week at that point.

Seems like you actually need the money to help, even if you didn’t it teaches them that nothing in life is free.

I would write down the budget of what all your costs are and say you need a contribution. It will be there in black and white just how much it costs to run your home.

First time poster….
My (adopted son) has started dating a new girl. 3 weeks after his best friend ended with her. During the friends relationship with her, my son had massive concerns about the relationship and its impact, extremely needy behaviour, emotional manipulation, self harm, anxiety, eating issues and the loss of his job.
The friend has then got together with her best friend and started a new relationship days after ending the existing one. She now likes my son, and the friend has “give you my blessing to date her” and he’s going for it.
I have massive fears that his relationship with the friend is enmeshed and itself potentially toxic, he’s pushing the two of them to move out together, and I’m terrified of the impact this new relationship will have on my son.
She came over and couldn’t even talk to me and my partner.

Any experience of similar circumstances from anyone?

Sorry, I’m not sure how I posted this to an existing thread, and can’t seem to delete it.