Son moved back home

[PrettyButterflies]

So, my son (29) has just moved back home to my house. He lived abroad but has returned to the UK and was renting with a friend but now has moved back to my house / his childhood home. When he moved back home I said there are some rules and I don't think they're unreasonable: please let me know if you're not coming home so I can lock up fully (my safety), no cooking after 9pm, keep your space clean and tidy, take off your muddy running shoes before you come in to the house (I have nice flooring) and the rest I said we would pick up as we went along. He hasn't lived at home since university and I'm struggling with this and him being here. He's extremely arrogant and selfish. Today he actually verbally abused me and called me an a.hole because I asked him to make some room for the builder to come in tomorrow. I am trying to make the home nicer for both of us. I was very shocked and upset after he said this. I have lived alone for some time and have been used to my own space and I'm okay with sharing but I have rules for my own home. Am I being unreasonable? I don't care what he does, where he goes, how he spends his money, I've allowed an on/off girlfriend to stay over. I have been accommodating to the fact he's a young man with his own life. He has a good job. I feel like he feels he can do what he wants and just sticks two fingers up to me! Please help!

His behaviour is certainly unacceptable but I'm wondering why you let him stay, since he has a good job so could afford to rent somewhere else, and you know he's extremely arrogant and selfish.

YANBU I would ask him to move on.

Today he actually verbally abused me and called me an a.hole because I asked him to make some room for the builder to come in tomorrow.

That's outrageous!

I am so angry on your behalf. I'm afraid I'd be showing him in the door.

How dare he speak to you like that?

Just say that you’ve had a rethink and it’s not going to work. Please find somewhere by next month.

He's not usually selfish and arrogant, was never like this before. But he seems to have this chip on his shoulder if that makes sense. That's why I said he could return. I was helping him save as renting is extortionate. I get we all have bad days but the verbal abuse is unacceptable for me.

I had to look up what YANBU meant! But thank you, I didn't think I was... deep down. I reached out on here and asked for advice because I started to see a different side to him since he's been home. I am not sure it's going to work long term. He's my son and I don't want to ask him to leave but I won't tolerate bad behaviour.

Thank you for your response. I think that's where it will be headed, I've tried to nip it in the bud, even spoke to his father (his father and I don't live together) and he spoke to him and told him he was out of line.

Is his father nearby? If so, I think he should go there immediately. It's not on that he should talk to you like that.

He’s not really a young man, he’s almost 30? At that age I was married with 2 children of my own. If he can’t show you respect I would be kicking him out.

This is not going to work full stop. An adult male verbally abusing his mother crosses a line. It almost seems like he considers it his house. Talk to him and say that it's time he sought alternative accommodation. This arrangement is only going one way

Your house, your rules. He needs to be told in no uncertain terms that he either plays by your rules, or fucks off. He sounds rude and entitled, and more than old enough/comfortable enough to rent somewhere of his own.

'If you ever speak to me like that again, I will give you 1 week to find somewhere else to stay!'

Curious - why no cooking after 9pm??

I’d be asking him to leave and move in with his father or anyone else with immediate effect. He is a guest and children don’t get to abuse parents never mind one that is trying to help him.

That's unacceptable language on top of unacceptable behaviour. Perhaps he's struggling with the change too, so I'd be firm in saying if he ever says anything like that again, he'll be out within a week, but also (more gently) that he should be looking to find somewhere sooner rather than later.

I'm guessing the no cooking after 9pm rule is because OP has already cooked one meal and tidied everything up after it and wants some rest and peace of quiet before she goes to bed. I'm guessing OP isn't talking about quietly reheating a plate in the oven or microwave and washing it up afterwrds, but more her son getting every pan and utensil back out again, leaving the worktops a mess, using food in the fridge that OP had earmarked for tomorrow's meals, stinking the nice fresh kitchen out, clashing about making a racket, leaving dirty plates and pans out etc etc.

When you want order and calm to enjoy your evening, it can be annoying when someone turns that upside down, especially if you've had a busy day.

The arrogance and selfishness that OP mentions would be enough for me to tell him to find somewhere else, never mind the calling me an asshole.

OP, you sound very reasonable and he's taken advantage of that. I'd just tell him that having 2 adults living together like that isn't working and it's time for him to move out to his own place, or houseshare.

And frame it to him like this: "We clearly just are 2 adults who have 2 different lifestyles and ways of doing things and if it's getting to the stage of you calling me names for asking you to do something that most adult house mates would find a perfectly reasonable request from a landlord then we're going to end up falling out if we carry on trying to rub along together like this. I'd hate for that to happen. So I think you'd agree with me that it's probably time for you to set up your own separate household, so that you can live how you want, isn't it?"

With a questioning look.

Why did the rental with the friend come to an end?

Why is the relationship with the girlfriend so on/off?

He sounds a bit of a man child who maybe can't compromise.

I do shift work. When I go to bed early and like to leave my kitchen clean and tidy before I go to bed and ready for me in the morning, sometimes I'm up as early as 3am but the following week I could be coming home at 3am. I hate getting up to mess and clutter. It's also the noise, banging around and clearing up, running water. I also don't like to come in to mess and clutter when I'm coming in late.

@CurlyhairedAssassin that is exactly why, thank you for understanding. I have already cooked and cleaned up.

It was only ever a temporary solution renting with his friend, he knew this.
The on/off g/f has been like that for some time, they do really love and care for each other but at the moment have other priorities.

No, dad is not nearby. I was there when they spoke and he was rude to him too. Although not as rude as he was to me. I've never had to ask his father for support, even when we were together, this was a first! His father and I have been divorced for six years but we are cool with each other it's not messy between us. We tried to keep things amicable as possible and we have mostly but never have shown any signs of difficulty between us.

Same!

Your rules or he leaves . Do not tolerate any abuse

I think I would tell him he has a month to go.

You need to have a blunt talk.

He must stick to your basic ground rules. None of them are unreasonable. And he must show you basic respect.

If not, he leaves & gets himself a room in a house. He isn't a child anymore.