Son is struggling with MH at uni. How do I help without smothering him?

[Everyoneissobusy]

NC for this.

Son is 20 & at uni (2nd year repeat) 4.5 hrs drive away. He has a medical condition (T1 diabetes) which causes him some issues, Uni are aware of this & have been really supportive. Has a girlfriend up there & a good circle of friends.

He came home weekend before Christmas, I thought he looked like he'd lost weight but didn't mention it (he's always been slim).

He's been out meeting up with school friends etc & sleeping in till early afternoon. He came out for the day with me last week & completely broke down saying that he couldn't sleep & had spent days at a time in his room at uni because he was too anxious to go out to lectures. Then he was worried he had missed a lecture & was overwhelmed so didn't want to go to the next one. He said he feels like he's drowning. He failed the year last year because his assignments were not handed in on time (illness) & he forgot to ask for mitigation at the time. I had no idea, we speak once or twice a week (he calls me usually). I asked if he wanted to leave uni but he was adamant he wanted to complete the course. He loves the subject & gets excellent grades but has a crisis when he is due to hand it in (that's what I could gather from his meltdown). I felt absolutely gutted for him. He hasn't told his girlfriend about this so he's been struggling on his own.

I told him that he would get through this and I would support him however I could. I suggested he email the uni welfare team & his personal tutor with everything that has been going on. I also suggested he write a list of all the modules he has with exam dates & plan his revision (exams next week). I also suggested that I call him every day for a week or so at uni to check he's up & if he's taken his thyroid meds & how his blood glucose is. He was up for that. I've also managed to get a GP appt for later today (minor miracle!).

Dear MN people, am I
Overreacting
Smothering
Doing the right things?

What should he tell the GP? He has also complained of feeling nauseous & he hurts all over (-ve covid test). Should I offer to go in with him to see the doctor?

Feeling helpless at the moment.

I think what you are doing is fine - he has opened up to you and that is him asking for help , You are helping to get him on track and making sensibile suggestions - When is ready to face more on his own then you can ease off but the fact he is talking to you is great ! You sound a lovely mum !

Does he qualify for any support under dsa? Do they have student mentors, counsellors or could he speak to his tutor? Unfortunately he needs to make the first move.

Couldn’t just read and run. Sounds like you are doing all the right things and not over reacting at all. We very sadly lost my DN aged 20 who took his own life while at Uni so it’s very important to take these things seriously. How I wish he could have confided in someone how he was feeling.
sending you love and strength

Does he have a personal tutor? They should be able to signpost him to the best help and also help him in applying for mitigation if things happen again.

Poor you and your poor boy. Tbh I'd take him out of uni and get his mental health better. The pressure sounds too much for him at the moment. Take uni and assignments off the table, get him seen by his GP. I'd bring him home let him recover and feel stronger. Once well look at getting a job and maybe studying via the.OU.

You're not smothering or overreacting he's told you he isn't coping and that is probably the tip of the iceberg.

I too have a 21 year old son and I think just now as his mum you need to step up and take control as he isn't coping and if he has been brave enough to tell you that then things must be bad. Good luck it isn't easy xx

Oh my sincere condolences, how awful for your family.

This is one of my fears, because of his T1 he has a very dangerous (though life preserving) drug attached to him all the time.
We have always been very close & I do worry that I smother him a bit. He does always call me when he has a problem.. missed train, locked out etc. He hadn't told me about this crisis for months.

I would go to doctor with him and offer to help speaking to uni tutors etc with him/in his behalf. Perhaps look into seeing if he could transfer somewhere nearer to home rather than the other end of the country?

Hello, I work in a uni. He needs to speak to the student welfare team ASAP. They will be able to help him access any support he's entitled to and liaise with his academic department. This contact with them will also likely be helpful if he needs to request extended deadlines etc later in the term. He is likely to be eligible for DSA due to his diabetes and mental health - student welfare will be able to help him sort that put too. I'd advise exploring support options before deciding to take a break from his studies as there are funding implications! Hope that helps.

You are doing the right thing. Our DD is coming out of a huge MH crisis (she’s y3). It’s been awful and she’s now on medication for anxiety and depression which seems to be working . I went with her to a meeting with the academic advisor and have also sat in on zoom calls with her professors. The uni has been amazing. She’s now registered with the uni disability service and now has extra time/breaks for exams. I only wish we’d picked up on the signs earlier and brought her home to avoid the horrendous time she’s been through. She is due to start CBT therapy shortly.
A fortnight ago I would have said she would not be able to return to uni but she is currently revising for exams next week. We’re keeping a very close eye on her but she says she is not feeling stressed like she was before.
Good luck - it’s a very hard thing to deal with.

Thanks for the suggestions and support everyone.
To answer a couple of questions:
He does get DSA for his diabetes- & is registered with uni for that
He knows to apply for mitigation & has done in the past. He sent an email to the welfare team last week explaining it all & giving them authority to speak to me if needed.
He has a personal tutor who he has emailed but although she is helpful she is often not available for long periods.

He is adamant he doesn't want to quit, he hates the thought of 'giving up'. He would also stress about the financial implications.

I will suggest I go in with him for the gp appt.

Thank you.

Dear MN people, am I
Overreacting
Smothering
Doing the right things?

You’re absolutely doing the right things! Definitely not overreacting or smothering. Your ds needs help and that’s exactly what you’re giving him. People can only find their feet from a stable and secure base, which is what you’re providing. Once he’s got his balance again, he’ll be fine and you can step back a bit!

OP you've done all the right things. If he can't get hold of personal tutor as much he, he can try and email his programme lead, or they may have like at my uni, senior tutors for each school who also support with welfare issues and are also happy to help signpost to support both personal and academic.

You are doing great Op. Your ds is fortunate to has a parent that he confide in

Hi,
just to add to what you have done already - is your DS registered with the disability service at university?
If so, it may be worth him updating his records there to include MH issues, as well as whatever support the GP gives him. For example, it sounds like anxiety should be listed as a condition he is suffering and relevant support put in place for that, as well as the t1 diabetes.
It is also important to make sure he is accessing all the support available and it may be he needs to meet with his disability advisor again to ensure this.
My DD struggled with anxiety when she started university and is ND; she was able to access weekly well-being counselling and now has a counsellor (the latter, the University applied for the funding for, she also got some specialist software and IT equipment paid for; we are in Scotland so it was through the SAAS, not sure of the English equivalent). This was all organised by the disability service at her university.
So basically, it is important to know which part of the support services do what, as your DS may need to speak to different people. His academic tutor/advisor should be able to help with a plan for the missed assignments, and making these up over time; whilst he will need disability or welfare services for the relevant disability support (depending how it is organised). Also, does the university have a peer support service? Sometimes it can be helpful to talk to other students who have experienced difficulties. My DD (in third year now) buddied a new first year, for example.

Please reassure your son that he is not the first or the last student to be in this situation. University can be difficult and isolating and deadlines can mount up. He has already had significant health issues to contend with, and he is doing well to have gone back to repeat a year. It sounds like he needs support with getting back on track and that is what the student support services are for. He has done absolutely the right thing reaching out.

Another thing that could be helpful, if he would want it, is for him to confirm to his department in writing that they have permission to speak to you about him. Sometimes parents get in touch with Uni because they're concerned, but departments are not allowed to speak to them without that permission. If he would wish to grant it then it should be fine for him to email his teaching coordinator, Director of Studies, Academic Advisor or similar, copying you in, explicitly granting the permission.

@Dogmatix34 I can't tell you how very sorry I am to hear about your son.

I’d also suggest reviewing his diabetes control. My dc is also T1 and had bouts of anxiety and sleep issues at uni and while average blood glucose was good (so I was falsely reassured was managing it well at uni) was actually bouncing from hypo to hyper and reacting rather than being pro active about T1. Ideally want a flat graph on CGM. Now been swapped to a more accurate CGM and upgraded pump which adjusts background insulin automatically. This has improved T1 control and anxiety / mental health issues have massively improved (which I wasn’t expecting). Plus less hypos so sleep is better. Check if on the most modern CGM/insulin pump available. Counselling via the student services or diabetes team is likely to be quicker than GP. Suggest he really tighten up on T1 control for next 2 weeks (keep it a manageable task) and try avoid big fluctuations eg carb count accurately, eat regular intervals etc as there was definitely a big link between poor control and mental health for us.

Sorry I've taken a while to respond.

So we went to GP appt & ds was fine with me going in with him. He was very honest about how much he is feeling swamped & that it had been going on for several months. Dr has prescribed him some anti anxiety medication which he will review via telephone appointment in 4 weeks.
The only problem is that it can interfere with his bg levels & may also make him nauseous & tired- not ideal with exams next week.

Also, although he responded well initially to my prompting him to plan his revision & check what he's missed, he hasn't been doing anything other than gaming until 2 or 3 am then sleeping until 2pm. I'm trying not to add to his stress by nagging to stick to the plan (especially while he's at home with support) but I worry about what will happen on Monday if he is completely unprepared for his exam.

Am I being too soft?

@lyra22 He is on a very good pump with connected CGM which adjusts his basal levels every 5 mins. It will also give an extra bolus should he miscalculate his carbs. He has had a few blips especially when a sensor fails, but far less than his previous system (& a million times better than when he was first diagnosed at age 3). That's not to say he has is perfectly running all the time but I don't think he can really improve on it significantly.

I don't know what advice to give you, but I didn't want to read your update and not respond.

I think you sound like a great mother!
Good that your son had a GP appointment.

I understand that you don't want to nag, but what does he say if you ask him about his plans for the exam?

I hope everything will work out for you and your son, and that he will feel better soon!

That sounds really difficult. He is going to struggle with the exams if he has missed classes and is not spending any time revising.
It may be as well for him to fill in whatever form they have for mitigating circumstances for the exams (either if he cannot sit them at all, or for affected performance) and see if he can do the re-sit in the summer (or whenever they are), given that he has contacted his tutor, student services and his GP (although he may also need medical evidence). However, in making his case, he should be clear what support he has now sought.
It is just exams he would be missing, or is there coursework as well? He is in a better position if he has completed some of it and makes the university aware of his circumstances. Even though he has contacted his tutor and student well-being, he will still need to do whatever paperwork is required if he misses an exam or files for affected performance.

However, I would be concerned about how he will manage when he goes back in January as he will need to be in a routine. Maybe the gaming is calming and allows him to avoid the issues right now, but it is not a strategy for managing next semester. I think you do need to discuss with him what he thinks will happen then. I imagine there is a limit to how many years he can repeat and there is then a question whether he is on the right degree path or at the right university. Has he heard back from anyone in the university he contacted? Maybe not given time of year.

I think you are in a bit of a difficult position here because he is a not a child so you cannot really disconnect the gaming set up until the revision is done (and I do think it is doubtful he can catch up a semester or part of a semester in a week, hence my suggestion about putting in the mitigating circumstances). But I think you can have the conversation about how this is going to work if he goes back to university. I think you can express your concern that he will be gaming until the early hours, that he will have loans and costs racking up for a degree he is not well enough to continue and what is the plan? I do think you need to keep an eye on what support is coming from the university.

in practical terms, does he have good study skills and ways of keeping track of notes etc.? My DD uses OneNote and she has some mind-mapping software. Having everything well-organised helps her with anxiety, as she knows what she has done and where everything is. She also has a routine of making sure her notes are in order after classes, so she plans her schedule of ‘this is when x lecture is, this is when I will sort the notes and go to the library to do the reading’. So each class also has the preparation and review time in her week as well as the contact hour.