Being compared to another mother

[Westju]

I don't want to sound bitter but I'm tired of my 19-yr-old daughter (an only child) constantly telling me her boyfriend's mother is so great and making me feel like a 2nd-rate Mum. She lends/gives my DD designer clothes, includes her in expensive meals out and buys her expensive stuff This Christmas holiday she has monopolised her time, arranging outings without checking with me and my husband that I/we might have had something planned for certain days/evenings. OK - my DD's boyfriend is home from uni and she obviously wants to spend lots of time with him - but he could come round to our house a bit more (we live near to each other). But everything is SO much better at their house. Right now I feel like my DD's 'other mother' is up on a pedestal and I'm under her feet! It's really getting me down.

I can understand how you might feel like that. If you are planning anything at all with her, I think once they reach this age you need to talk to them first so that they don't get double booked,

We keep a shared family diary so that we know if there's anything happening, would something like that make it easier for you?

I suspect though that the two things that might be bothering you are they they seem to have more expendable income and your DD is moving away from your family unit as she gets older and perfecting to spend her time elsewhere. I can understand how that might sting but look on the first one as your DD being introduced to another way of dining so that she will feel comfortable in nice restaurants when she's older and the second one is only natural unfortunately. You just have to try and enjoy the time that they do choose to spend with you

Your daughter's boyfriends mother does not need to check with her son's adult girlfriends mom to see if she, aforementioned adult girlfriend, is allowed out to play!

She's on a pedestal because she only has nice things to doz like buy her stuff. She didn't change nappies and deal with moody teenage DD.

Just smile and agree it's nice she can afford to treat DD and her boyfriend.

What effort have yo made to invite them to yours for a meal or suggested trips etc?

She doesn’t check with you she checks with your adult dd. If you want to make plans with your dd check with her.
I suggest you make lots of fun plans, include her boyfriend and make them feel welcome. You don’t need to spend lots, just make it things they will enjoy.
I do understand why you feel put out, but she is young and is taking you a bit for granted. Just try not to let it show as you may push her into the arms of her out laws.

You can't expect BFs mum to check with you on plans, your DD is an adult!

So, your daughter is tactless and inconsiderate.
And easily swayed by nice bits and bobs and a family that has no expectations of her. Sounds par for the course at 19.
A lot of relationships don’t survive uni, if they’re not at the same one.
Just hang on and be her mum. You’re the only one who can do that.

No - it's nothing to do with our income. My daughter has actually been fortunate enough to experience fine dining and lovely holidays abroad since she was a baby, being an only child with family in Hong Kong - and also her father is a food and travel photographer so we've been lucky enough to get freebies and discounts in high-end restaurants over the years. Her boyfriend's mother is a single mum of 2 boys. She has her own business which is up and down but, compared to us, she is quite a spender. We don't go in for designer clothes and all that (in our view) excessive stuff. But I guess the DD is at an age where she might be beguiled by the 'big' spending. Almost every year we have gone to a ballet or Christmas show - until DD got bored with that and wanted to go out clubbing or spend time with friends. But she seems to have forgotten that we ever did those things - shows, seeing the Christmas lights and windows, putting up the tree together. She says we 'don't have any traditions' - not true at all. We were prepared to 'let her go' - she should have gone to uni this year - and be seeing a lot less of her - but not to have her monopolised in this way. I most definitely think it's simply courteous to check with your son's girlfriend's family if they might have any outings, etc. planned before you start booking 'surprises' for them. That's what I would do. Too much taken for granted...

I most definitely think it's simply courteous to check with your son's girlfriend's family if they might have any outings, etc. planned before you start booking 'surprises' for them. That's what I would do.

I can understand you feeling hurt and that you think that this is common courtesy but it just doesn't work like that for most adults.

She has her own relationship and her own social life now and if you want a family night, you need to either be flexible or give her fair warning that you'd like to seen her on a particular night and have something planned. She may, or may not agree to come. Unfortunately she's no longer the adorable six year old who loves treats and is always available. She's a Woman and you need your communicate what you want with her

I most definitely think it's simply courteous to check with your son's girlfriend's family if they might have any outings, etc. planned before you start booking 'surprises' for them. That's what I would do.

.......and if you did, the other family would think you were bonkers.

Your dd is an adult. If boyfriend or boyfriend's family want to invite her to something (which sounds lovely, including her in whatever they are doing), then they would ask her, as an adult. As an adult, she would check her diary, see she is free, and accept. Same as if her old school friends wanted to meet up, or any other of her University friends. None of them would contact you to ask permission would they ?

@PinkMimosa

Owwww, you are literally the sweetest person ever. What a really, lovely, supportive comment.

OP, in the kindest way, Dd's boyfriend's mum checking with you is a bonkers idea. I'm sure once you've had a sleep and reflect in the morning, you will also realise this.

The family calendar is a great idea. (Think that was also pink mimosa - you are a good egg!) I recommend the app Time Tree.

DD has forgotten that you did used to have family traditions (you mentioned shows, seeing the Christmas lights and windows, putting up the tree together... But as she got older, lost interest and so these activities stopped?)

DD has clearly been involved with boyfriends family and enjoyed the nostalgia. Get the Time Tree app. And schedule in some of those forgotten traditions with her and her boyfriend.

I know Xmas is over now, but how about Chinese new year in Jan? Add a date on the calendar app that you will have a takeaway night together or all sit around and make dumplings.

Save a date for Pancake day. St. Paddy's Day. Add dates in for next Xmas for tree decorating and mulled wine night. Xmas light switch on in town?

She obviously wants those things again and wants the effort made (rightly or wrongly) on your part to organise them, like boyfriends mum does. That's why boyfriends mum is popular right now - DD is naturally favouring the person who is making the most effort - by making her feel good (with lovely, nostalgic, family xmassy things)

Sleep on it. Download Time Tree (or any other shared calendar app) get some dates in there for family nights. Just a games night with some wine. You and DP against DD and Boyfriend could be a fun night for you all?

Also, don't text boyfriends mum asking her if he has any plans on the days you put Into the calendar... You will look unhinged.

I know how you are feeling. I've been there once and am currently experiencing similar with another dc. It hurts and it's a strange new world where you have another parent involved.
From my experience, it will settle down and get better. Right now it's new and exciting and everyone's making an effort. Fast forward a year and you'll probably find your dd becoming more critical of the 'other' mum and wanting YOUR family traditions more.
Try and ride it out, do the things others have suggested, but keep faith and things will settle down again.

OP you are her Mother. Her only Mother, and she loves you dearly but, most probably taking you for granted. In my (very humble) opinion, experience has shown me quite a few (I know) Mothers of boys who generally want to keep the gf onside, because boys are notorious for not keeping in touch/being so smitten they're not around much etc, so maybe that's the case here. Maybe your DD wants to impress her bf too, so is 'getting in' with the Mother. It settles down for sure, but you also have to detach a little.

Just remember, you are her Mum, her only Mum, and she loves you..it's not easy but you'll find a way

The daughter she ever had!
The parenting experience with boys is very different to one with girls, let them get on with it for now, at the end of the day their relationship is likely to be very temporary. Be patient.

Never had.
I agree with previous poster!

Hi all I am having similar problems my daughter came today for 20 minutes not seen her in weeks . She off out for Mother’s Day meal with her boyfriend and his mothers tonight. I feel like she can’t really be that bothered with her own family now .

bit sad about it all but she’s 20 now and can do want she likes .

Sal

I think some DC can just be very, very thoughtless @Sadless. I'm sure she does love you and is probably being taking you for granted a bit