DD gone travelling, I am struggling

[Parvanati]

My lovely youngest DD18 has left home to travel the other side of the world.

I have been supportive and didn’t try to talk her out of it or anything. I helped her do everything she asked for help with and have been excited for her.

She messages me a normal, good amount and I know she is ok, she’s safe and seems happy. She has money and is with a friend.

I cried the whole day and night she left after I dropped her off at the airport and I haven’t slept very well at all in many days. I have not told her any of this as it is not her burden to carry and I was alone when I was upset.

I am excited for her and I want more than anything for her to have an amazing experience, I am so excited to see the photos she shares and hear about what she is up to. But I miss her intensely and It is a combination of worry and sadness I am feeling that I am struggling with. Not being able to sleep is not helping me at all. I am past the tearful stage now, I went through all the emotions of truly letting her fly the nest but it’s overwhelming as it’s so far away and for so long. I don’t think I can visit, it’s too expensive plus she hasn’t invited me to, this is her journey and not mine.

How do I pull myself together?

Awww, I feel for you, it's so bittersweet being thrilled for them but empty at the same time.

I've not got any great advice, sorry. I found time helped a bit. 💐

Letting your youngest child go can be a real stage of grieving - it’s the end of your life stage as a mother of children that are actually children. And while it sounds like you have a great relationship, you will never be so central to her life again - there will be lots of bits of her life from now on that you won’t know too much about.

So it’s totally reasonable to be sad, and to need to let those feelings out. Give yourself permission to do that.

Then you really have to turn your attention to you. For the first time in a long time you can put yourself back at the centre of your life. What would you like the next stage of your life to be? It’s going to take a bit of time to be comfortable with this change, but you should be aiming to build yourself an exciting future as well as being happy about hers.

Treat it like grief. It’s a loss. An end of a chapter. And can feel totally opposite to what your mum instincts have been doing all these years! Give yourself a break and be kind to yourself and it will probably fade with time.

I think it has brought out a lot of feelings I wasn’t aware of. DD was one of the ones really affected by COVID lockdowns missing exams and things. She got depressed and it really affected our closeness. I felt like I didn’t know her anymore, she was very distant and had me at arms length. I suddenly felt like an annoyance. I was being over bearing as she pulled back I chased her so I had to stop doing this and it helped improve our relationship.

In the lead up to her leaving it was like old times and we became close again.

She wouldn’t look at me in the airport to say goodbye as I think she did not want to cry and she wouldn’t watch me walk away so I felt sad at how we said goodbye but I did not want to make her feel sad. On the way to the airport she seemed to be finding it hard, and up until then she had been so blasè!

I just want her to be ok, happy and safe. I think I will feel better once she gets a job and settles somewhere.

Thank you for being so kind. It is a kind of grief and no one around me seems to understand at ALL.

Everyone else has said it so much more eloquently than me! I agree it's a kind of grief and that means it's not linear or finite. However, I also agree you can gradually start to appreciate putting yourself front and centre again, it can be distracting and fun!

You're not alone and your feelings are valid.

You sound like a great mother!

I am 36 years old. My mother has told me how she is still worried when I travel somewhere, so I think that is normal!
But she is also happy that I get to see the world, just like you are happy that your daughter gets to see the world.

It's OK to feel your feelings about this. You miss her, but you are also happy for her.

I am happy but I am a little worried I admit.

DD is not the most outgoing type of person and is quite shy, and stays indoors a lot as does her friend so it was a bit confusing when they decided to take this trip. They are there now and DD complains at lot about the WiFi as I gather they stay in an awful lot watching streaming services… I know everyone is different but she could do this at home or Europe for a fraction of the cost.

She hasn’t found a job and isn’t looking by the sounds of it. I’m not sure they have made many friends either. They have some money so that’s fine but it will not last for the whole time they intend to be there. She wasn’t really making much effort to find a job before she left either.

I know I have to back off worrying about this, I now suspect she may just come home when she runs out of money and isn’t making the most of her opportunity.

It’s completely her choice, she says she is fine there but doesn’t seem overly enthusiastic about anything (she rarely is so this is not unusual) so I am possibly over thinking it all. It seems like she has paid a lot of money to go out wandering for a couple of hours a day then lay around watching TV, like the most expensive holiday ever! Is this usual for teen travelling? I think I had a different vision in my head that this was a working holiday and making the most of a new country.

Where has she gone? Is it Australia? I think it can take a few days and often the experience doesn’t live up the expectations- that you’re going to go to a backpackers, meet a tonne of fun people and travel up the coast together having the time of your lives. But I agree it doesn’t make sense just to sit around letting your money run out. There should be some seasonal work around ( I remember backpackers getting triple time to clear tables on Christmas Day/ Boxing Day) so she probably needs to be a bit more proactive.

I feel for you. My daughter is going to south korea in January and will be there for a year. I am dreading it. It's hard isn't it? Sending you love

@Buzzer3555 thinking of you! It is tough ❤️is she working there?

@Sparehair yes it is. She is in the most amazing place! I can’t imagine it myself 😂

It is so hot though and she’s not used to the heat so it will take some time to acclimatise to that. I think they can probably last a month or maybe more on their money, DD had at least £2k (if not a bit more) and is due another £800 from old wages in the next few weeks. She also has £2k held back for return flights. They don’t go out much don’t eat a lot, staying in cheap accommodation watching Disney+ 😑. I mean it is a holiday at this point and they don’t even need to find jobs but on holiday you would go OUT? 😂

I might be about to eat my words as she’s always surprising me 😂

Yes op she is teaching English

I totally get this. Mine left to travel in November, about ten days after my dm funeral and then my youngest dc left to travel
A different region in December. I have missed them sooo much. Not due back until
Summer.
As others have said, stay positive, remember you created such an independent person and be happy that she can have the experience.
Also look after yourself and give yourself some things to look forward to

I completely understand how you're feeling.My dd2 is going to australia in February, and I’m dreading it. My eldest daughter went in 2016, and didnt come back, not for any awful reason, she met her partner and she now lives in Canada. Im dreading my other daughter meeting someone and moving to Australia, i just cant afford to visit one very often but two on opposite sides of the world would just destroy me. Im happy theyre happy but why cant they have settled closer.

thanks for replying.

DD is having problems with her friend who she went with, which is a shame. The friend owes my DD money which she now says she can’t afford to pay back and I think there is a crap atmosphere now, what with friend feeling homesick as well and lying in bed a lot. DD has met a few people but everyone is moving around so it’s mainly her and the friend together and they aren’t going out much I don’t think. DD is covered in bites, I keep telling her to go to a pharmacy. She says she is ok and having a ok time but I worry that it’s not as good as it could be due to all this but it’s on DD to manage it, nothing I can do.

She needs to get a job

Time to put those big girl pants on and work. Or else she'll have to come home.

Yes, your mates will try and pull fast ones on you. That's what this experience is about.

Is she in Australia?

Yes and the friend won’t get a job apparently and is guilt tripping my DD. They have been friends since year 7 so it’s not a random. DD knows she has only 2 options, to ditch friend and go it alone or fly home. She isn’t expecting me to prop her up. Friend owes my DD money for hostels

This really hurts doesn't it, DS says he is moving out. The pain is unbearable and I'm not sure I like DH anymore 😕

What a shame your dd isnt having a better experience @Parvanati

@ssd i think she is now! Seems to have improved 😁
she has found more of a groove I think

Aww thats so good!!

So great to hear she stuck with it. You must be so proud of her. How are you doing now? Have you also found more of a groove?

I get it’s hard OP but all
of this is part of it:

• finding out your friends aren’t what you thought they were
• deciding what to do about that, whether to step away and figure it out herself, or come back
• lazing about for a while and then realising either you find a job or you’ll run out of money

its hard to listen to, but working out how she responds to this suggestion will be empowering for us, and set herself up for whatever she does next

I’m gonna be honest I am so impressed by her. She’s organised everything so far and really doing well. She doesn’t like the city life she is more nature/beach but she will run out of money soon so she has a lot of decisions to make. She isn’t asking for help though. She has got this. I’m so proud of her stepping up to this challenge. She’s so young but is really getting it together. I’m so excited for her 😁

sounds great op.
i think the problem now is it is so easy to contact your parents when abroad. so there is less mystery, more worry for you. both my dd have travelled.
sometimes it feels better not to know all the time because her experience will change from day to day as will as her mood. and of course she will contact you when she is troubled but less likely when not, or that is what i find with my dc

What a great update! It's such a hard thing for parents but they really do grow up if they go away. They just have to. Is she still with the friend? I suppose you learn who your true friends are when you travel, too.