How to change from parenting kids to parenting adults?

[bigmarrowlegs]

Hello - would love thoughts / advice on this. DD is 18 and I'm dealing with a couple of issues at the moment which I'm struggling to navigate in terms of how I parent her as she's no longer a child, but nor is she really a full adult yet.

Without going into boring (and possibly outing) details - DD is in her first year at uni and has recently made some decisions which are far from ideal. But she is ADAMANT she knows what she is doing. I tried having a rational conversation, but DD didn't want to change her mind and felt I was trying to control her.

A couple of my friends have said that I should INSIST on her doing things a particular way, or 'hard parent' her. But that feels very unnatural to me. Fine if she was 14, but she's not. She is (in theory at least) an adult. So I'd love thoughts on how you develop your parenting style to acknowledge that she is an adult, but may still need guidance on some things.

(FWIW these decisions aren't major life altering ones - its more things that are unwise or not really the best choice).

If they are unwise or not the best choice, you let them learn. Experience will teach them faster and more thoroughly than you will.

And presumably she's still talking to you about things if you know. I'm willing to bet the hard-parented kids are just lying to their parents. I know I did!

I'd leave her to it if it isn't broken don't try and fix it, she will make mistakes along the way all we can do is advise them and warn them if we think they are being reckless or whatever.

At 18 she is an adult and no way would I interfere

Isn't part of being a parent to an adult child letting them make their own mistakes and learning from them? I mean, you can still offer an opinion. Casually, and hope some of it goes in. But ultimately their course through life is their decision. I mean, really once your child has left home for uni etc to start their own life, your job as a parent in terms of being influential to their morals and values is kind of over. They will then learn other ways of doing things at uni or in their working life, and hopefully be mature enough by then to consider all approaches to life, and how they compare to yours, and come to their own conclusions about how they want to live their own life. And by that point, there's not a lot you can do about it. As long as it's not illegal and they're happy and not hurting anyone, does it really matter?

With mine, when they annoucne that they're thinking of doing something I tend to say something like "that's interesting/brave/a bit different! Have you thought about what you'll do if x/y/z happens?" Just get them thinking. Even if they go all stroppy and say "It won't!" you've put that little thought there in their head which they might consider. If they listen and ignore it, then that's on them. Learning experience for them. Or you. As they may ignore what you asked/suggested and everything turns out fine for them!

Absolutely agree with not hard- parenting her at 18, my mum was like this and it was so oppressive and I still resent her for it. I'm not at the stage of parenting yet where I have to watch my children make mistakes without intervening to stop them as mine are still little, but I can imagine it will be horribly difficult to do. but still better than the alternative

Has your DD asked for advice? If not, best not to give it. If she has asked for advice, maybe think about how you would advise a friend. You wouldn't say "no, you can't do that" you would ask them to tell you about the thing, maybe say things like "I think if it were me I would worry about xyz". ultimately its down to her though.

As someone who grew up with a 'hard parent' do not do this! All you will do is annoy your DC and end up that they never involve you in anything about their lives because they can't be arsed with the aggro. Or worse, you may lose them completely!

Instead, show an interest. Ask sensible questions - have you considered this possible highly disastrous outcome? If they say yes, you say great and leave it as that!

I'm in my 40s now and realising that even the people who did everything 'right' when they were younger have seen their lives go off course in one way or another (lost jobs, split from spouses, had terminal illnesses). You can't control what she does. You just need to let her know that you love her no matter what and you will be there for her no matter what.

So I'm literally parenting my brother who has come out of an abusive relationship and of course I can't tell him what to do.

So I just lay it out for him when he tells me his bonkers plans.

So first I listen. Then I ask him why? Really listen to the reason.

Then say of course you can do it but if you do be wary of xxxxx and xxxx and make sure you have a contingency for if this or that happens.

Then perhaps share an example where I did something similar and it didn't end well

Then say. 'I would approach it like this because of this reason and point out the benefits'

Then say at the end of the day you're a grown up and the consequences are yours I guess.

Best to teach them to take risks. You won't be there forever to save them so important lessons will be learned.

Basically listen listen listen. Then roll your eyes and forgive them when they mess up.

When you say you tried to have a rational conversation but she didn't want to change her mind, it sounds like the only way you think she could be rational is to do what you want, which isn't much of a conversation as you have already made up your own mind.

She is 18, you can say that you don't think its a good idea, you can say why- which it sounds like you have already done. And then you leave her to make her own choices and learn from her own mistakes and sucesses.
You can't make her do anything anymore, the best you can do for her is to offer guidance- and accept when it is unwanted.
She's only going to become an experienced adult with time and by learning through experience- not by always doing what mum says is best.

Thank you for your replies- its reassuring to know that it's ok to let them make mistakes! I think I've let one particular friend get in my head - she has very firm ideas on how things should be done and will often tell me that I'm too laid back. My take on it is that I should advise and then let DD so he thing. If it all goes wrong I'll be here to support her, but my fear is that 'hard parenting' will just alienate her.

Tell them what you’d do in any given scenario, but say ultimately it’s his choice and decision. This is the approach I took with both my kids and it seems to have been moderately successful

if the thing isn't dangerous or a face tattoo 😄let her get on with it.

My "D"M has very firm ideas in what everyone should be doing. Me and DSis tell her nothing of our lives and aren't close with her at all.

Your DF needs to tread lightly.

my mum did too it just made me lie and hide stuff from her which in turn made me anxious and not tell her anything,

I never wanted my dds to be like that I mean I wasn't naive to think they wouldn't hide some things from me im their mum not their mate but now they are "proper" adults I think we have a good relationship.

Hard parenting? Basically railroading a young adult into adhering to parental choices and disallowing normal freedoms to make own choices and mistakes, which are an important part of learning and growing up.