Conflict with adult step children

[Lornad332]

Anyone had a problems with a partner having major issues over adult step children who occasionally visit/stay but is still upset over their untidiness when they lived at home. (ages 24 and 20). One is staying for 6 months with us and he is complaining incessantly about her not helping enough (she works full time) or not showing enough respect. She is no trouble and we are talking about the odd mug being left around. We walk on egg shells and if it isn't this, its something else. I have been told I should have made him priority and sorted the kids out. He is also annoyed at them ringing me often - we are all very close and this seems to be an issue too. Wondered if has tips for handling this as I am clearly doing it all wrong.

Your husband sounds very petty. For goodness sakes, most kids and young people do nothing at all and make a dreadful mess, he should be glad his doesn't. Does he have OCD?

I don't think so. He is leaving because I didn't take a firmer stand last year. He is making me choose really . Who is the most important and I just want everyone to relax and get on .

So they are his Step-Children? It doesn't sound as if he likes them very much.

If he wants to leave, I'd say that's a good thing. I don't think I could tolerate a man who was this emotionally immature, never mind one who was trying to make me choose between him and my DC.

Tell him if he makes you choose between him and your children, he will lose you and it's not even a close contest. Your children come first always and it doesn't sound as if they're doing anything wrong!

He sounds incredibly jealous of you and your kids close relationship.
It sounds like you would be much happier chucking him out with the egg shells x

A divorce will solve your problem. Be very wary of any man who tries to come between you and your children.

If he's asking you to choose between him and your children, surely your answer is clear?

Help him pack.

Yes, he is being completely unreasonable. He cannot put you in a position where he says it's him or your adult kids! Very immature, selfish and petty. You shouldn't feel that you are walking on eggshells, you deserve so much better than this. If he is unprepared to consider how unreasonable he is, then separation/divorce is what you need to do. Take care

If it’s your daughter - choose her, now. Get him out.

Zombie thread.

Hope everything is ok now, OP.

I'm so late to this thread - and new to mumsnet, so maybe nobody will see this, but I wanted to say, we can only see one side of this thread, but I may be able to offer some perspective from the other side. I am stepmum to two young adults who are INCREDIBLY lazy and messy, but if he were asked about it my partner would probably say ' yes, they leave the odd cup around'. What's unbearable to one person is a normal to another. But it is very isolating if you're the only one who finds the mess or lack of contribution to the house upsetting, even more so if everyone else is actually blood related and you're the 'newcomer'. I've found it really hard to explain to my partner that its not just the mess that upsets me, but also the fact that I'm outnumbered and so therefore it seems my feelings or opinions count for less. I have a young adult child of my own too, but I dont agree that kids should always come first when they are adults. If its yours and your husbands house, and the adult children are guests, then you and your husband should come first in this situation. Maybe OPs husband just needs to know his voice matters in his home and that everyone is happy to compromise and make an effort. I hope a different perspective is helpful.