Caring for step grandchildren

[HJDG]

Hello, I have never posted on here before but just after a bit of reassurance that I am not being unreasonable.

2 years ago I was diagnosed with cancer, I have gone through some gruelling treatment and I am in remission but this has left me exhausted and with a very low immune system. At this time of year I often pick up coughs and colds which make me very ill.
my partner has a 2 year old grandchild who we look after once a week. My concern is the child often has colds as they do at this age but I am still expected to care for them. The family seem to think I should just get on with it. It doesn’t help that I don’t even get a thank you or any offer of paying for anything I do with their child. Not that I would take it but there is just no appreciation for my efforts or my situation. It’s really starting to upset me and I just don’t know how to tackle the situation without getting upset and cross!!

Who is actually looking after the child? You say 'we' but it sounds as if this responsibility is being dumped on you? The immediately obvious thing to do is to go out so your partner can look after his grandchild?

Even without your compromised immune system, this is a big ask of a grandparent. Whilst many might be happy to help (to be clear, I definitely wouldn't be!) it shouldn't be expected and should only be done if you want to. It limits what plans you can make quite apart from the risk to your health.

I think it's time for a conversation with your partner. You don't want to be involved in offering regular childcare. If he does, that's entirely his choice. How long have you been in a relationship with him? Is it a relatively new thing or have you been together for years?

If you are going out shopping, to work, or out patient appointments, you are as likely to catch colds etc there as you are from a child.
Is this about colds, or the baby sitting ?

I do end up doing most of the child care, if he has a day off o try to take a step back and let him do it. We have been together around 10 years. He says that I agreed to help with child care but I have no recollection of the conversation but that could be chemo brain!
I don’t mind looking after her, she’s absolutely no problem, I just feel upset that when she’s full of cold (green nose and coughing) that they don’t think that I can easily catch it. I do work but I can keep myself safe there by wearing a mask or just keeping away from someone who’s coughing and sneezing, I can’t do that with a child!
I think this coupled with the lack of appreciation is what is upsetting me. I don’t even get a card on my birthday, just a Facebook post…..

Blimey so actually you're doing most of the childcare whilst he's at work? There is essentially no 'we' about it.

I think it's time to say you no longer want to do regular (I assume unpaid) childcare. The lack of gratitude would be reason enough for me but I wouldn't bring that up. I would just say it doesn't suit and give a reasonably long notice period to help them find an alternative.

If your DP is insistent about it I would say firstly he needs to take every Friday off to do it himself and secondly why is he not interested in what you want.

I don't think you ever did agree to do this. But even if you did, you can change your mind at any time.

Absolutely not unreasonable. The parents are. Perhaps even your partner, though I don't feel I have enough context to pass judgement on him.

I'd tell your partner that you are struggling more than you expected and that you can't do it anymore.

Even an easy child can be exhausting

It’s early so excuse the bluntness of this. Our parents do regular childcare. Unless DC are ill enough to be off nursery I’d expect them to be cared for because children are like Petri dishes of illness and we need reliable childcare. (My siblings and I actually told my mum she’d never see her 5 grandchildren under 3 all at the same time if she insisted none were ill.)

MIL has had cancer 3 times so we have always been very understanding that her immune system isn’t great. Before we set out on asking parents for support we had a conversation with everyone which included a “kids get sick and snotty are you sure you’re okay committing to this?”

It sounds like the children’s sickness is too much and too stressful for you (and I totally understand this) so you need to tell them you can no longer provide regular childcare. Or perhaps your DP needs to go to them on days they’re ill (aware he could bring colds back into the home so you need to make that call). It doesn’t sound like you signed up to this so I definitely don’t think you should be doing it alone! Good luck.

I don't think that this is a snotty toddler problem. This is a partner problem.

Tell them all (WhatsApp group?) that after Xmas you’ll not be able to look after the child. Say she’s a lovely child and you really enjoy her company but you’re utterly exhausted and need to avoid illness. Your partner can step up if he is able to.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable and - more importantly- you have ev’ry right to be upset and cross. Your needs are being put last by your partner and his child, you are being taken for granted.

Park the point as to whether or not you said you could do it. You can’t now. You have serious health issues and they are made worse by close contact with a child and the exhaustion of caring for that child.

You cannot do it any more. So either your partner takes Fridays off and goes to his DGD to care for her or the parents find other childcare. You mustn’t damage your health for this.

You need to talk to the parents. Say what you've said here... you love looking after them, but are struggling with the cancer and looking after them, especiallywhen they aren't well. Most people will understand that.

I'd just say you are exhausted and finding it too much so you won't be involved anymore. Then leave them to it.

The step relationship is a side issue, I agree you shouldn't care for an ill child with your health history.

You will have to set things out. Give them a couple of months' notice but say you need to take a step back for health reasons.

The child's parents need to sort childcare

It is not your responsibility

Thank you for all the replies, I really wasn’t expecting so many! Good advice and it has made me think about one or two things! ❤️❤️❤️